Christmas Lessons

Each day the mailbox has been full.  Each day I have brought the mail in and opened each card one by one.  My fridge is full of beautiful Christmas pictures of friends and family. With each envelope opened I prepared myself for the overwhelming feeling of wanting to cry.  This Christmas season started out for me as a pity party. I distinctly remember saying last year "this will probably be our last Christmas without a baby", well that statement came back to haunt me with a vengeance.  There would be no Christmas card picture with a new bundle of joy.

I have realized my greatest spiritual need is to know deep within my heart that God is still for me. To understand God's peace, hope, and love in light of still being childless.  I have built up walls around my heart because it simply hurts too much sometimes to try and understand.  Well, this Christmas season the wall has been slowly crumbling.  Even through the hurt of not having a Christmas baby God has been whispering to my heart "I am for you."

It started with a wonderful woman at my church who wanted to share some scripture with me that she is memorizing. Psalm 113:9 "He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother."  My initial reaction- he gives that to everyone but me, or maybe that is metaphorical.  She simply said, "Crystal, if God said it, we know it is true.  I am holding him to it." Her faith continues to amaze me.

The whisper continued when I found a friend's blog about longing.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  She said that God doesn't put a longing in our lives to torture us with it, he puts it there to fulfill it in his time.  I have been feeling that this longing for a family will never be met, and that God is simply trying to break me with it. What a sad view of a loving father who longs to fill my longings in the best way possible.  I desperately needed to hear that truth.

The whispering continued at church on Christmas Eve.  The sermon was on hope. Jesus Christ is hope for all people.  I prayed in bed that night that I would find all of my hope in the baby that saved the world.  On Christmas morning I opened a gift from my parents that was a necklace with one word on it, hope.  My parents want me to wear it until I have my baby in my arms.  I will do this, but it will be a reminder to me that my hope is to be in Him each day, not the hope of a baby.

Then last night I had dinner with my sweet extended family, and my great uncle who has had more health problems than humanly possible told me of his joy.  He joyfully prepared Christmas breakfast for hundreds of truckers.  He started a ministry to truckers 9 years ago, and that is how he spends Christmas morning each year.  My great uncle has no circumstances in which to rejoice over, or have hope in, but his hope in the Lord is what gives him joy. He serves so joyfully through the worst.  I was breaking in the presence of someone who truly understands what life is about.

Last but not least my quiet time this morning.  Not really wanting to read I sat down and simply flipped open my Bible.  Psalm 118: 5-7 " In my distress I prayed to the Lord and the Lord answered and set me free.  The Lord is for me, so I will have no fear.  Yes, the Lord is for me, he will help me. I will look in triumph on those who hate me."

The Lord is for me.  I hope to understand fully that the birth, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ alone shows me that the Lord is always for me.  This was my Christmas lesson.

And the waters parted

Hope is truly the source of abundant life.  I feel like everything around me recently has been pointing to this truth.  Our world is desperate for hope.  The student in Dave's class whose mother attempted suicide is desperate for hope.  The couple at our church who continues to suffer through infertility and loss is desperate for hope.  Parents whose children have gone astray are desperate for hope.  The homeless, hungry, hurting, lost....you fill in the blank- they are all desperate for hope.  I believe that we all have points in our life where we need a God moment. We need the hope that God will show up and do something amazing. 
Moses needed a God moment as Pharaoh's army was closing in on the Israelites and they had no where to go, but into the sea.  Moses had hope that God was big enough, and the waters parted.  Joshua needed a God moment when he was leading the people into the promise land, and they had to cross the overflowing Jordan river with the arch of the covenant.  Joshua had hope that God would provide, and the river bed dried up. 
Although, I am convinced that sometimes it is not the result that saves, but simply the hope. 
There has to be hope that there is more than what this world can offer.  Proverbs 13:12  says "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."  I have seen a lot of heart sick people whose hope has been deferred because it has been placed anywhere besides in Christ.  The world has let them down, people have let them down, and now they have lost hope.  Hope in Christ, the living God, who is coming back for us, and has a place in eternity for us is a longing that will be fulfilled.  We can cling to that for life.  I ache to share that hope with the youth in my church who say "I have lost my way and don't know if I believe in God, my life is a mess."
Psalm 130:5 "I wait for the LORD, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope."  We can offer hope through God's word.  His word will never let us down.  His word is a safe place to trust our hope to.  I think what struck me the most is that I am here on Earth to be a God moment for people who are desperate for one.  Not me, as in what I have to offer, but the hope that is in me because I know Christ.  I have the opportunity to meet people who are desperate for hope everyday, and the salvation that I have in Christ should overflow and run into their barren lives.  Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."  When I have my hope in the right place it will overflow and be used as a God moment in other people's lives.  That is huge.

Romans 8:23-25  ".... We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us. We were given this hope when we were saved. If we already have something, we don’t need to hope for it. But if we look forward to something we don’t yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently."  My hope is in my adoption into the kingdom of God as one of his children.  I was given hope when I was saved.  I look forward to the day that Christ will return and take me to Heaven.  I can wait patiently because I know He will return. 
We are standing at the sea of life waiting for God to part the waters....Dave is getting ready to graduate, and to find a job in this economy the sea will have to part.  We are aching for a family, and in order for us to have children the sea will have to part.  I wonder if I am in the right place with my career, and in order to serve where I am meant to be with a joyful heart the sea will have to part.  The blessing is that even if the sea never opens I will never lose hope.  There are so many people out there who need a hope that cannot be lost.  How can we be their God moment?

when one door shuts

As many of you read a few blogs ago, we had some trouble with our nursery furniture and had to cancel our order.  I threw myself a large pity party, and then just a few days later received an email from a high school friend inviting me to look at the website her interior design firm gets nursery furniture from.  I found the most lovely crib and dresser that I immediately fell in love with.  To add to this unexpected blessing she offered me her friends and family discount!  So, when the door to get what I thought was the furniture of my dreams closed another door to get even better furniture opened!  God showed me who was in control and thank God it isn't me!  How often do I panic when a door closes, not trusting that God has an even better door waiting if I will simply be patient!  Here are the links to the new furniture:

http://www.youngamerica.com/product/343681/BTG220091/_/btg%26%23160%3B2200%26%23160%3B%3Cbr%3Epanelslat_crib/Collection/genamerica

http://www.youngamerica.com/product/343693/782000291/_/genamerica%26%23160%3B%3Cbr%3Edresser/Collection/genamerica

I am small in this world after all

The theme of the last few weeks has been humility. I was listening to a sermon in the car on the way to work about marriage and out of a marriage sermon came my first lesson this week in humility.  The pastor said that we often feel like we have the right to things in this world like marriage, and kids.  In reality we don't have the right to any blessings, but God does often choose to bless us.  It is the heart behind feeling entitled to certain things that bothered me.  The realization that sometimes my anger at God for not blessing us with a family comes directly from the heart of feeling like I have the right to be a mom.  I don't have the right to any good thing in this world because I am a sinner who has fallen desperately short of the glory of God.  Having said that, God is still good to provide salvation through his son and blessing in our lives. 
The list of blessings in my life poured through my head, not blessings I had a right to, but blessings God wanted to give me even though I don't deserve them.  I immediately turned off the sermon and began to repent of the sin of pride. Telling God that I don't have the right to any of His blessings, asking for forgiveness for demanding a family, and for the pride of feeling like I deserve one.  I realize that anything outside of salvation is amazingly more than I deserve.  I was able to see that if God decides to bless us with a family it will be more than I deserve, not something I have the right to, or something I have earned.  There was a lot of freedom in that.  There was freedom in confessing sin, and in changing my perspective.  It takes away impatience in the waiting, it takes away anger, and it replaces all of those sinful feelings with humility.  It is good to realize that I am so blessed, and so undeserving. 
Lesson number 2 came at small group. I got up to go to small group after working the night before and not having slept very much that day.  To say the least I was not very fun to be around on the way. Dave lovingly informed me that I was being "a pill", and I was.  I was so focused on being sleep deprived, and having too many chores that went undone that I didn't prepare my heart for small group at all.  I stumbled up the stairs into small group and turned on the happy face.  We had a special speaker at small group that night.  A missionary from Chile.  I spent the next 2 hours listening to the amazing ministry he and his family are involved in.  He told stories of the street kids he has seen come to know the Lord, the lives that have been changed for eternity, his great need for financial support, and prayer.  I could feel myself shrinking in my seat.  My ridiculous attitude over lack of sleep melted away.  My stress over the most mundane things in life looked sickening in the light of what life should truly be about.  The lives changed by the truth of the gospel was the center of this family's world.  Where had my true center gone?  Again, the need to repent and set my mind on things above smacked me in the face. 
I am such a small part of this world.  My concerns are so insignificant in the light of the great commission.  My "needs" mean nothing in the scheme of eternal things.  It is a huge world after all and I am such a small part.  It is good to truly see your place.  It is healthy to feel insignificant.  It is peaceful to repent and have God strip the attitude away.  It is good to see how small I am in this world after all.

Spiritual warfare round 2

Proof that nothing will ever be easy...I ordered my nursery furniture in September, and received the invoice this week only to find out that the pieces were ordered in different colors.  Because I am type A +,  I pulled out the original copy of the order that I had printed off and filed away, and I had ordered all of the furniture in one color- cherry.  So I set out to figure out why my furniture was being shipped in different colors!  Talked to two very unpleasant customer service reps only to find out that the manufacturer was out of cherry, so JC Penny decided to order different colors for me.  They just picked a different color for me- that was very nice of them!  So, I had one cherry piece and two butternut pieces.  Not exactly my taste.  Because they had trouble confirming our credit card info in Sept they had canceled our order, and put the order back in the system in Oct, and by then they had run out of Cherry furniture. Which, they never contacted us to tell us.  All of that to say I have now canceled our order. The crib had already shipped, so it will have to be shipped back, and we are starting the hunt for nursery furniture from square one.  Not looking at JC Penny anymore- just sayin'.  It is hard on days like this not to take this as just another brick wall in the way of getting ready to have a family.  But, my only choice is to keep fighting.  Joy is deeply opposed by an enemy, and I am currently in a heated battle! Glad to have a blog to vent to!

No news is....

Wednesday came and went.  Wednesday was our one year anniversary...one year since we started the adoption process.  It was bitter sweet.  It meant one year of being free of the nightmare that was infertility and that was very sweet, but it also meant another year passing without being a mom.  It has been a year of speed bumps, hurdles, road blocks, twists and turns, and more growth than I ever even imagined.  I often get asked if we have any updates about our adoption and the only response I have had for months is "no news."  No news in the adoption world is exactly that, no news.  I have to say though that no news isn't exactly accurate for me.
 If I really answered truthfully It would be a news real of what God is teaching me.  Because even though we don't have news of a baby, I have news of what God is doing in my life.  My news flashes would look like this: "Overcoming unbelief", "Learning to pray", "Finding healing", "Learning to trust God".  Often I am overwhelmed with emotion, being stretched and refined constantly, to the point where I want to ask God to slow down the growing process.  Being taught at such a rapid rate has often been uncomfortable and painful.  It is overwhelming to see so regularly just how much growth I need. 
My mentor said that she sees me as a glass ornament that started off with a tiny crack that has now spread all over and the pieces of my old self are beginning to fall away to reveal a beautiful new me that God is molding and creating in His image.  Even though the cracking isn't pleasant seeing who God is creating me to be is hopeful. 
God is molding me to be a mom who has learned patience.  He is giving me trust so that I can trust my child's life into His hands.  He is providing healing so that I can pray "sun stand still" prayers and whether the answer is yes or no I will still believe.  He is building my faith on a foundation of stone so that when the storms come my castle isn't knocked over by life.  Life has in some ways tried to beat the vision out of me.  God is fighting to teach me to keep my eyes on Him so that my vision doesn't waiver.  So the newsflash is: I am a work in progress. That is good news.

An enemy

I have an enemy.  I have someone in my life who personally seeks to destroy me.  He strips me of all hope. He whispers lies to me.  He attacks me so regularly that I am tempted to forget he is there.  He has been reeking havoc on me the past few weeks.  I nearly allowed him to steal everything I care about, including my faith. 

I have had a rough month.  I have not written in weeks on this blog, and that is a direct reflection of my inability to fight through the attacks Satan- the enemy- has been throwing my way.  Until today I did not realize that all of these trials that have been put in my path were from the enemy. I have been busy placing blame on my savior. What a cunning thing for the enemy to do- to wreck my life and then entice me to blame my savior.  The realization sent a wave of nausea over me.  I feel like throwing up when I think about all of the crap that Satan has gotten away with. I see it all around me. 

I saw it clearly today talking with a sweet friend who is going through trials that could only be placed there because she is trying desperately to follow the path God is calling her to.  She is a threat to Satan and he is in return trying anything he can to disrupt the glory that will be given to God when she gets where she is going.
I had this righteous anger today listening to what she is going through. I could see the hand of a deceitful enemy... and then it struck me.  That is the same hand messing with my life.  Anger.  That is what I feel.  I am mad at myself for not seeing the attack earlier.  I am heart sick that I have been questioning God's plan for me. 

This all came together when I received a letter in the mail today, immediately after meeting with my friend, from a minister that I keep up with.  He explained how something very disappointing happened in his life recently, something that he had been hoping and praying for, for years.  He was totally heartbroken. 

Here is an excerpt from the letter that pretty much sums up what has been happening to me:
 " Disappointment rushes in and feelings of not again...not again.  That feeling like if anything good is going to happen you've got to make it happen and it makes you feel so alone.  Doubts rush in about hearing the voice of God, which are about the worst doubts there are because it draws your whole relationship into question."

After he realized that his relationship with God was being drawn into question he began to pray.  His prayer was like reading my inner most dialogue on paper, so instead of me writing it, I am going to copy his prayer for you.

" Jesus, I love you.  Help me with this."
God's response- You felt hurt by this
"Yes, I was.  I really hoped that finally, finally, it would all come together. I thought it was going to be a beautiful ending. It hurts to feel like you don't care"
God's response- You blame me
"Yes, I do.  I mean, I prayed hard, and it didn't happen.I thought you were in it.  I thought I was following your voice"
God's response- what is the pain?
" Well, it hurts to feel like you don't care, like you aren't even listening.  It hurts also to think I wasn't hearing from you."
God's response- So you feel betrayed.
" Yes. I do. But I can't blame that on you.  I think the thing that hurts me most deeply is, why does something that matters so deeply to me not seem to matter to you at all?"

God's response-  Every joy is deeply opposed.

There it was.  TRUTH.  Every joy is deeply opposed.  Every good and amazing thing God is doing is going to be opposed by the enemy.  The more glory that God is going to receive and the better it is  for us, the more opposition we will experience.  What that  means is God is doing something truly amazing in my life because the opposition is almost unbearable.  I am under fire, but the hope that surged through me today was that it is not because God doesn't care, or because God is the one firing upon me.  I am under fire because an amazingly loving God is trying to pour out joy over me.  He is fighting for me just as hard as the enemy is, and the good news is that God will always win.  I am HIS.  I am not a child of the enemy. 

There is hope because where there is opposition there is JOY waiting.  Praise the Lord!  Now I can place anger and blame with whom it lies- with satan.  I can fight for joy.  I can withstand attack and know how to fight when I know who the enemy is. So, if you are under attack and you are a child of God it is because there is an unspeakable joy waiting for you.  Fight!

closer than a brother

Proverbs 18:24 "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."
I came home from work this morning to find a lime green package tied up with a white ribbon sitting on my counter. A gift. I opened the card and then tore open the package. It was a baby book. Not just any baby book, but the one from my wish list. It is perfectly created for a baby whose story includes the beautiful gift of adoption. It is going to be filled with the story of our baby. Only a friend who was actually more like family would think to send us this sweet gift. There was no special occasion, no shower, just simply the kind of love that only comes from family. Our baby's life is being pieced together by beautiful acts provided by a loving family. A room from grandparents, a diaper bag from in laws, bibs from co-workers, diapers and wipes from family, books from friends. Our baby is going to be surrounded by the ultimate picture of love and family.
Dave and I could not be more blessed. We have this group of friends surrounding us that are closer than brothers. In fact many of them I truly love as my brothers. Do you ever have those moments where how blessed you are smacks you right in the face? This morning was one of those moments for me. In fact this journey has brought out many of those moments.
Dave surrounded by brothers praying over one of their own.-blessed. Overhearing Dave praying with a brother over the phone-blessed. Being encouraged by the hugs and words of encouragement every time we get together- blessed. Godly brothers who love me-blessed.
Sisters clapping and cheering (literally) when I told them that I finally ordered the furniture-blessed. Coffee with sisters who offer wisdom, support, and love- blessed. Messages from sisters far away who just want me to know that they are encouraged by what God is doing in my life- blessed. Seeing God unite sisters together through this simple blog-blessed.
I am truly blessed with friends who stick closer than brothers and sisters. My extended family continues to amaze me with their love and support. You are all truly the hands and feet of Jesus in my life. Thank you for being the embodiment of the love of Christ. You are God in the flesh to me. I feel the warmth of Jesus' arms wrapped around me through you. I am humbled by you. I am truly blessed by you.

Adding Twigs to the Nest

Well, this is the newest addition to the nest!  Hello Coach diaper bag! This is a very early Christmas present from my wonderful in laws! LOVE IT!  It is so pretty and begging to be used!
We also ordered the nursery furniture, which after much debating is almost out of stock, so I got in by the skin of my teeth! That is what I get for waiting.  I am including the link if you want to see what it looks like.  We got the crib, changer, and dresser in the cherry finish. It is on back order till Nov, but I think we will love it!  A BIG thank you to my parents for providing a beautiful bedroom for their soon to be grand baby.  After all of the doubt about preparing I have to say nesting is GREAT!

Here is the link to the furniture: http://www4.jcpenney.com/jcp/X6.aspx?GrpTyp=PRD&ItemID=194cdc2&DeptID=70676&CatID=77448&SO=0&Ne=5+18+904+949+833&shopperType=G&N=4294940794&Nao=0&PSO=0&cmAMS_T=XGN3&cmAMS_C=MERCHA&cmAMS_Z=XGN3TOPOFRESULTS&CmCatId=70676|77448

Unspoken

There are often times where I know that there is a need in my life and yet I don't bring it before God.  I think about it a lot, I allow it to bother me, but for some reason I don't speak it into words.  I would never speak it out loud, but this time I didn't even speak it into silent words of prayer. I just allowed this longing to be.  To just simply exist.  I think that is why I was so shocked when God answered the longing.  He answered the unspoken prayer with a loud and mighty YES.  It is humbling to have one of your needs met before you even admit to it.  I was immediately reminded of the scripture that talks about the holy spirit interceding for us in prayer. Romans 8:26 "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."  I believe that the holy spirit took that need and put it into words that I could not express and interceded with God for me.  That is an amazing thing to experience. 
What I wanted was a friend, close to me, who was currently going through the adoption process.  I felt guilty for wanting that.  I have so much support around me, so many people who sympathize with us, but I secretly wanted someone to empathize with me.  I wanted to sit around in a group of girls and complain about how hard the paper work is, and talk about what they are doing in the waiting, and what they are reading.  I wanted to feel normal.  I wanted to have the moments in a group full of people just like me, that my pregnant friends have with each other.  But I didn't want to ask for such a selfish thing.  Well, God gives above and beyond what we deserve.
Within the span of 3 days last week I received news from two couples that we are close to, that they are adopting.  I didn't realize just how much I needed and wanted that until it happened.  I wanted to shout, sing, dance, and immediately run over to their homes to have coffee and chat, which I did.  I got my chance to be normal for an afternoon as I sat with one of the wives and we chatted about our experiences.  Then I got to talk on the phone with the other wife about how excited she was and I am, and about our plans.  I was given a gift that is beyond precious to me. 
I now understand why David danced before the Lord, and the phrase "shout for joy".
Psalm 20:5 "We will shout for joy when you are victorious and will lift up our banners in the name of our God. May the LORD grant all your requests."
God granted an unspoken request that met an unspoken need from a Loud and Mighty God who loves me. I want to shout for joy that GOD IS THE GIVER OF ALL GOOD GIFTS!

More of you and less of me

I was meeting with my mentor yesterday and she shared that her life has recently been full of examples where God is bringing about more of Him and less of her.  She said that she could see God doing the same thing in my life.  God becoming more and me becoming less.  Her words didn't really impact me the way that they should have.  I moved forward and continued the conversation and didn't think about it again, until today.  I was sitting in my large overstuffed chair in the living room, snuggled in, to have some quiet time with the Lord.  I began reading and praying through some scripture.  I came across this scripture: Isaiah 53:4-5
"Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our sins; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed." 
It was heart breaking.  It opened up a place in my heart that aches, a place that knows how little credit I give my savior.  He took my sin and my sorrow and carried them on his shoulders straight to the cross.  It is only by his wounds that I find healing.  It is all about what He did and not about what I am feeling.  I can have peace because of His punishment.  My healing is a direct result of His death.  It is all about Him and not about me. The truth crashes in on you sometimes in a mighty way. 
 I continued to read scripture after scripture about Jesus being the one who sustains, the one who rescues, the one who rejoices over me, the one who strengthens my faith, the one who preserves life, the one who gives abundant life, the one who makes my path straight, the one who has depth of wisdom, the one who comforts, loves, and saves. 
How could I not want more of Him and less of me?  When I don't understand why the wait is taking so long, God has numbered the days.  When I am hurting, God is comfort.  When I am confused and don't understand God's plan, He knows every step.  When I don't think I can trust, God gives the strength to believe.  When I needed to be saved, Jesus wounded himself to make it happen.  I need nothing more than to have more God in my life and less me. 
It is an amazingly simple concept that can seem so complicated.  If the trials we are going through in this life are producing more of Him and less of me then we are blessed beyond words.  My prayer: Lord, let there be more of you and less of me.  Who doesn't need more of our AMAZING God in their lives?  He is the giver of ALL things.  He is life. 

Building the Nest

A very sweet friend at work encouraged me to start giving quick blog updates on the things I am doing to prepare for our baby.  My first thought was that would be great if I were actually preparing.  I have wanted to prepare.  I have wanted to run to Babies R US and register, have showers, build a nursery, act like an expectant mommy, but in the end I have been paralyzed by fear and doubts. I have done nothing to prepare.
Today I was reading John 20:29 "Then Jesus told him, "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed."
Choosing to believe without seeing has been easy for me in regards to my faith in Jesus as the son of God, but when it comes to believing that God will bless us with a family my inner dialogue has been "I won't believe it until I see it." I have been quietly telling God- you will have to prove it to me before I will believe.  I have been functioning under the lie that if I start preparing for this baby then I will have to wait longer, or even worse it will never happen. Your actions reflect what you truly believe.
It was obvious to me this morning that I am still not truly trusting that God can and will provide us with a child.  If I believed that then I would be preparing for what I cannot see, but what I know is going to come.  So, I decided that I have to take a leap of faith and start living like this is going to happen.  To believe and with true belief take action.  So today I didn't just jump, I leaped off the mountain!
Nesting step #1 was subscribing to a parenting magazine for adoptive families!  I cannot wait to read and prepare to be the best mom I can be.  I also made a wish list on amazon of the books that we want to read to our sweet little one to help them understand God's plan for their adoption. If you are curious, here is the link http://amzn.com/w/1HM8WPJBL490N. 
I am going to act as if I believe, and through that I am hoping God will help heal my unbelief.  I will update as I slowly add twigs to the nest!

The We Factor

One early morning this week I walked into a dark quiet room to give my patient her pain medication, she turned to look at me and said "you are going to be such a blessing to your baby."  She nearly had a sobbing nurse standing in her room at 5 am.  It was from God's heart to her lips, words that drove directly to the inner most parts of my heart.  A piece of encouragement that fit perfectly into the gaping hole just it's size in my chest.  I needed that more than she could have ever known. 
Getting off of my shift after another long night I was in the break room when one of our doctors came in.  He quietly asked how things were going with our adoption.  Who am I that someone should take the time to think about me and encourage me?  This doctor who I respect very much is watching out for me.  He thinks enough of me to take time out of his insane schedule to help find the missing piece to our family. 
I am not an island. You are not an island.   We are not meant to do life by ourselves.  I have learned this lesson over and over again through the waiting more than at any other time in my life.  I have never needed people to walk beside me more, and in the times where I have felt like the deserted Island God has placed some beautiful strangers in my life.  It never fails that when I need encouragement God will use someone I least expect to offer it. 
There is a nurse practitioner at work who I have met maybe 2 times, and she has heard that we are adopting. Now when I see her she asks how we are doing and tells me she has been praying for me and how encouraged she is by our story. 
I was looking at baby furniture the other night,  late at night at work online, and without saying a word a bunch of my co-workers asked to see, they ood and ahhed and made me feel like I was going to burst with happiness.  It was one of my rare feeling like an expectant mommy moments.  I have received so much kindness from unexpected places.  People I barely know reading my blog and encouraging me. 
I mentioned in my previous blog that being in this time of waiting has been uncomfortable for me.  I don't know if I should set up a nursery, or wait till we get the call.  I don't know if I should register, or if people will find that silly.  I don't know when to have a shower, or what to tell people when they ask what we need.  I don't know how to wait for an indefinite time period- the type A in me is cringing at the thought.  At times I don't know how to relate to those around me.  How do I explain why we are adopting, or that we really DO want to talk about our adoption. 
What I do know is that we cannot get through this without the body of Christ.  1 Corinthians 12:12
" The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body. So it is with Christ."  So we may be an arm in the body, but it takes the other arm to form an embrace and bring comfort.   I could not be more thankful that at the times I truly need an embrace I have people in my life who offer to be the other half.  They hold me up and offer me hope.  From a girl in my youth group who cannot wait to help babysit, to a friend who wants to help me decorate the nursery, and my parents who talk about how excited they are non stop I could not be more involved in the body.  Without We there is no me, I could not make it.  Thank you to all of those people in my life who hold me up and keep me going.  I will never be able to express in words what you mean to me.

Square Peg Round Hole

I have been mulling this blog over in my head for weeks.  I just couldn't find the exact right words, or I found them and decided that they may not be taken in the exact right way.  I have had this feeling for months now that I just don't quite fit in.  The phrase "square peg and round hole" is from a movie that I love. It fits how I feel perfectly.  I am the square peg trying to fit into the round hole of life.  I just don't quite fit right. 
I have never fully understood the scripture 1 Peter 2:11"Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul."  I understood the part about resisting sinful desires, that is obvious enough. It is the fact that Christians are being referred to as aliens or strangers in the world that left me confused.  It means that they don't fit in, they are in a foreign place, they are not like others around them.
I have spent much of my life fitting in.  I have always wanted to be liked.  Being a part of a group and being seen as "one of them" was so important to me.  I enjoy being comfortable and I am most comfortable when I am similar to the people around me.  I love having things in common with people. I like feeling like I am a part of something. I would have died if someone had described me as an alien or a stranger.  But I am beginning to understand exactly what that means and would even venture to say that I am slowly becoming what I have feared so much- I am different.  I don't fit in.  I am a stranger to this world.
This is not the part where I say that no one loves me or that you should feel bad for me because poor me doesn't fit in or have a group.  This is the part where you should rejoice that I am no longer clinging to a dead world and dead things to find my identity. 
When you make the decision to follow God's will in your life you almost immediately guarantee that you are going to be a stranger to this world.  This world is all about following the most lucrative career path, seeking to do what pleases you, the life with 2.5 kids and the white picket fence.  The world is about doing what makes you happy.  God's will is exactly opposite of that.  God doesn't want me to be happy, he wants me to be holy.  He has lead Dave and I to choose careers that are in essence our ministry.  We are there simply because God has called us there, not because it is what makes logical sense.  We will never be wealthy, have power, or indulge in the best of what this world has to offer.  In that way we are different. 
But I think the most glaring difference for me has been the way that God is choosing to piece our family together. In a group full of pregnant women I am different.  At a baby shower for friends I am different.  When people talk about their parenting experiences I am different.  I am different when people ask me if we have kids and I say we are adopting. I have in fact never felt so different.  To be honest, being different has been a process of being uncomfortable. It turns out that I needed to be uncomfortable to see that God's calling on my life is supposed to be unique. 
Where much of life is ordinary  in these areas God's plan for my life is extraordinary.  In my discomfort God is shaping me to be the woman that He wants me to be.  My path seems crazy and haphazard to the world, but it makes a perfect picture in the hands of my creator.  I do not belong to this world. I belong to Yahweh.  The Most High God.  God has a purpose and a plan for my life that will in the end make me holy.  I am different because I am not my own. I am His.  For the first time in my life I am glad that I do not fit in because it has forced me to run into the arms of the one who understands me. 
This is where I have to make a disclaimer: Please know that this is just the way that God has chosen to show me that I need to run to him. I am not saying that having a good job or having kids means that you are the same as everyone else.  Every plan is God's unique plan for that person.  It just took God pointing out the differences in my life for me to realize that I need to run after him and not what I covet in other people's lives.
The reality is I am surrounded by people who are also strangers and aliens in this world. In our own ways we are all different.  I am thankful for the examples in my life of men and women who choose every day to be what God has called them to be.  I am glad that in the times in my life where I have cared more about fitting in then about standing out, God's grace never left me. 
The letter of 1 Peter 1:1  begins with this opening
 "Peter, an apostle of Jesus Christ, To God's elect, strangers in the world..."  To the other strangers in the world, thank you for living life as an example for me.

Waiting not wasting

So many of us spend our whole lives waiting.  We begin waiting for the day that we will get our license, then the day that we will graduate high school, then we cannot wait until we graduate college.  We wait for God to bring Mr/Mrs right, then we wait for God to bless us with the dream job, and then we wait for God to grow our family.  We spend so much time waiting for the next best thing.  I came to that reality check at the beginning of this summer.  I have spent the last 2 years just waiting.  Waiting for Dave to finish school, waiting for my job to get easier, and most importantly waiting for God to bless us with a child.  The sad part of this realization is that a lot of that time spent waiting was actually wasting the opportunity to live.  I wanted the next best thing so bad that I forgot to try and live in what God is currently giving and doing.  Dave and I sat down at the start of this summer and decided that waiting should be living, not wasting.  So we began a summer of adventure.  We started off by backpacking through Northern Cali for almost two weeks, then off to the mountain house for a week, then the beach house for a little over a week, then Washington DC, a high school reunion, and we are closing our adventure out with a close friend's wedding.  We have truly delighted in the blessings God has given us.  We have admired the amazing creative hand of God under the largest trees in the world.  We have sat on a bench in down town Blowing Rock eating (full fat) ice cream and loving it.  We have watched the sun set on top of the widows watch at the beach.  We traveled through history in DC, and have spent more days this summer just holding hands and enjoying each others company than we have in all of last year combined.  Now that is living!  I am so thankful that God has awakened my desire to live and not waste any more time waiting.  Now begins the real challenge...our adventures are quickly coming to an end.  Dave will return to school in a few weeks.  I am back at work with no vacation time planned in the near future.  Our phone has not rang with the amazing news that we are going to be parents.  We are still in a time of waiting.  My prayer now is that in the midst of the mundane and waiting that I will continue to live in the blessings that I already have.  Psalm 90:12" Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom."  Through waiting I am slowly gaining a heart of wisdom.  God has asked me to wait, not to waste the time He has given me.

Wrecked by Grace

The prodigal son. A story that I have heard preached on and have read a million times. In fact I groaned inwardly when the preacher said that was the story he was speaking on. The speaker, Dirwin Gray, looked straight out into the audience and said that he hoped someone in the audience would be wrecked by God's grace, then he looked in my direction. I thought to myself, I don't even know what that means....well I quickly found out.

The prodigal son story in Luke chapter 15 is a story about a young son who asks for his inheritance from his father before his father is dead (which was like saying to his fathers face- I wish you were dead, now give me what is mine because your life means nothing to me) , he then moves away and squanders all he has with sinful living. The son eventually realized the error of his ways and when he has nothing left comes back to his father. His father not only allows him to come back, but he welcomes him back with love and rejoicing. He restores his son's honor and blesses him beyond what he deserves. Now all of that I have heard before, and though it is a great story it has never brought me to tears.

That is until Dirwin Gray pointed this out in verse 20:

"So the son got up and went to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him."

The father is the star of this story. His father had spent the entire time he was away waiting and looking for him to return. That is amazing in itself, but what happens next is what wrecked me. He ran. He didn't walk, he ran. He broke custom and ran. Why did he run? Dirwin said that in history it was customary that if a Jewish son dishonored his father that the elders of the town would come and get him and stone him to death. The elders may have been watching for his son as well. They may have started walking towards the father's son. Is that why the father ran? He knew that if he didn't get to his son first that the elders would stone him to death. So the father ran to the son, and then he threw his arms around him- if the elders made it to them they would have to kill the father first to get to the son. He wrapped his arms around his son to protect him. He was willing to give his life for the son who left him. He loved him so much and was so eager to have him back that he ran to him and wrapped him in his arms. The father would have given anything to prevent his son further pain. If his son was going to suffer he was going to suffer with him. He was filled with compassion for his hurting son. He wanted nothing more than for his son to feel the love of his embrace. He wanted to protect him and love him.

I have spent many months through all of this infertility and adoption process wondering if God cared that I was hurting. Asking myself, if you are really there God, then why are you allowing this to happen? Do you love me? If you love me then why are you allowing me to hurt? I have said "I just don't understand" approximately a million times. I would follow that up with,"I am just going to choose to believe". Now, choosing to believe has some merit, but it is not enough to sustain an intimate relationship with God. I truly felt like if I stopped trying (or as my mentor said, striving) that God would not pursue my heart. I expected myself to remain committed with or without love, joy, or peace. In the end that wasn't enough. I needed to know God's love for me. I needed to be pursued by my father. I needed to intimately know Him even if I don't always understand him. So I began to pray for exactly that, exactly two days before this message.

God said so clearly to me that night through Dirwin Gray that He has been waiting for me to lay down all of the "trying" and simply allow Him to run towards me and throw His arms around me and save me with His love. God has hurt with me and cried with me. He watches and waits for me to meet with him. He runs to pursue me. He loves me so much that he endures my pain with me. He wraps me in his arms and calls me his daughter. I am loved so amazingly that it doesn't matter that God's plan doesn't always make sense. I sat in that seat in the auditorium and was wrecked. How could a love this BIG not be enough for me? How could I question God's presence in my life? How could I think that God doesn't want good things for his children? I have never felt a need for God's grace rest so heavily on me. I immediately began to beg for forgiveness and thank God for throwing His arms around me and running towards me. Who am I that you love me with so much passion Lord?

Wow, I cannot put into words how God took less than two days to wreck me with grace. He went even further to provide a book for me called "When God Doesn't Make Sense" by James Dobson. The peace that this book has brought to those aching questions that I mentioned earlier... All that I can say is that for me God doesn't have to make sense anymore. His love is enough and His grace is enough. I am wrecked. I truly hope that if you haven't been wrecked by God at least once in your life that you will begin to pray for it. His embrace is like no other.

Adoption Video

I wanted to put up a link to our adoption video, this will be for the birth mothers to watch. It will also be on our online profile for out of state birth mothers to see. Enjoy! Please continue to pray for us as we find the courage to wait.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BdDqJcZ5oK8

Even the stones will cry out

Luke 19:40
"I tell you," he replied, "if they keep quiet the stones will cry out."

I was walking through a snow covered grove of Sequoia trees all over 200 ft tall looking up at these huge giants thinking even if I never told anyone about God these amazing creations would scream that there is a creator. I looked at the brown bear with her blond and black cubs and thought only God would color things so perfectly. I sat next to a lake that reflected the image of a huge mountain and thought only a God that cared about my enjoyment of this world would make things so beautiful. I thought probably a hundred times last week that even if we never testified to God's existence even the stones would cry out. How amazing is our God? It was very humbling to be reminded so many times of His power and creativity. It was also reassuring to a heart that sometimes questions God's presence.

On our adventures through Norther California's national parks we also hiked to the 5th tallest waterfall in the world. It was probably one of the most physically challenging things I have ever done. I was trudging straight up this rocky slope thinking I just can't do this. This is too hard. This hurts too much. Soon after came this thought "this is exactly how my life has been." That is at least how I have been feeling. I wanted to stop. I wanted to sit down and be frustrated and say this is too hard and I give up. After having a minor melt down I simply decided that I was going to keep putting one foot in front of the other and stop staring at the end goal that seemed so far away. Step by step I made it up this seemingly impossible hike and ended up at the top looking out thinking I cannot believe I made it. Simple whispers to my heart that this is what God is asking of me to do right now in my life washed over me. I am asked to simply put one foot in front of the other on God's path and to try not to look at the seemingly impossible end. I have to fight and not give up. I have to trust that in the end I will be where he wants me to be. It may be hard and at times painful but in the end I will be stronger and able to see where God was leading me. Another lesson learned in God's creation.

Right before we left for the trip we received a letter saying that we have been officially approved and are now waiting for our baby. It was a moment of peace. We finally made it. We have jumped through the hoops and climbed the mountains of paper work and have landed into a time of waiting. I thought that this would bring me so much joy and release, that I would seamlessly and patiently wait for our baby with happiness and a heart to prepare. I have been fighting a lot of fear. Mainly fearing that we might be facing a long wait and how that will affect us. I am scared to prepare and truly allow myself to be "expecting" for fear that it will end up hurting more in the end. Please pray that I will keep putting one foot in front of the other and enjoy what God is doing in my life right now. I don't want to focus on the seemingly impossible end. I want to grow stronger. If you are praying for our family I want to take this time to say thank you. We couldn't appreciate your support through prayer more. You will never know how much we value your prayers!

Lord Willing

I have adopted a new phrase, well new to me. Lord willing....and fill in the blank. It is so true. If the Lord is willing nothing can stop Him, and if the Lord has other plans my inability to understand doesn't lessen the goodness of those plans. The Lord was willing today to allow us to finish our home study! Our social worker came over, took less than 10 minutes to look at the house, reviewed our paperwork and then was on her way. It was easy and painless. I haven't been able to say that very often the last few years. We are so thankful for an easy and painless step. She met with our pastor after us, and walking by Dave on the way out she said "I think you passed." And then it was over. Our paper work will now be sent to the home office in Asheville to await approval. It should take about 2 weeks and then we are officially waiting! Thank you for all of the encouragement and prayers. We will continue to need prayer as we enter this new phase of waiting. Pray that the paper work will be approved quickly, pray that Lord willing we will not have a long wait, pray for our baby's safety, and for the birth mother as she begins to make this difficult decision. Lord willing, we will strengthen our faith in Him, and Lord willing we will be holding our child soon.

Teachable moments

I am going to rename this blog teachable moments. That is what this blog is. It is me sharing the moments in my life when I actually allow God to teach me something. It is the aha moments. The moments in my life that are worth sharing. This week our home study was scheduled for Wedn morning. I was supposed to be blogging about how amazing it is to be done with this process and how hopeful and excited I feel. Instead, I crawled into my car after a long night shift and checked my phone. The text message read: Crystal, I am so sorry to do this, but I woke up with a fever,chills, and body aches, and I have to cancel our visit for today. Again, I am sorry.
All of the anticipation, hope, and joy came crashing down with one simple text.
Are you kidding me? Of all the days that our social worker would wake up sick, it just happens to be our home study. Of all of the months to get the flu- May?! Is this a sick joke? Well, add it to the list of road blocks. Of course you have to cancel, nothing can be easy...that was the running dialogue in my head as I drove home. Angry. God, how do you explain this?
I forced myself to turn on the Christian radio station, and even thought- I am not singing though. Beth Moore came on and said "Have you ever had those situations that you just don't know how to deal with? You don't have a file for this. You don't know how to respond. That is when we need to pray for wisdom." All I could think was that is exactly how I feel. I don't have a file for this. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know how to respond in faith. Well, I guess I should ask for wisdom. That is exactly what I did.
Last night I got in my car for my 1 hour drive to work and wisdom fell like rain. I was listening to my favorite worship song (you hold me now), and the end keeps repeating "your kingdom come, your will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven." That struck me. God's will is Heavenly and when it is lived out here on Earth it may not look like we think it should. But, it is divine and perfect. When I ask for God's will (which I frequently do), I am asking for a Heaven inspired plan that will probably not make much Earthly sense. I started to pray...Lord, I believe that your plan is perfect and that this timing is there to lead me to the child you have chosen for me. In a still moment God spoke directly to my heart this question: do you really believe that? The answer was evident... no. I am that father in Mark 9:26 that yells out to Jesus "I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief." I was telling God what I thought I should say and in that moment realized that I didn't believe it. I felt the immediate need to confess my unbelief. I began to confess my doubts, fears, emotions. I felt the reassurance of the love of my father wash over me. I acknowledged the unbelief and allowed God to soothe my frustrated heart. It was good. It was so good.
That was a teachable moment. That was God giving me the wisdom I asked for. From now on I am not going to ask for God to fix situations, I am going to ask for the wisdom to understand the heavenly will of God.

A Gift

A purple card with a black and white picture of a mothers hands holding two tiny feet that says
" Soon those ten tiny toes will tiptoe into your heart...and leave their footprints forever." My first Mother's Day gift. No one can imagine the impact.
Last night after going to dinner with Dave and my parents we came back to my house to exchange gifts. Dave got a birthday gift, my dad got a birthday gift, and my mom got a mothers day gift. After all of the gift giving was done my mom and dad said that they had just one more.
Out came a BABY bag that contained the sweet card I quoted above and two teddy bears, one pink, and one blue. It was a Mother's Day gift. For me. There were so many layers to what this meant to me.
What a small thing that it was in a baby bag, but I have never been the one to receive a baby bag. I have sat and watched shower after shower and dreamed of the day that I would unwrap gifts from pastel bags, but this time it was meant for me. I unwrapped it. Next that sweet card-tears automatically followed. It represents hope. As my mom said- you are expecting and I want you to feel that. I did. I have this card to hold on to. A symbol of hope of the blessing that are already on their way. Next, the bears. The excitement of not knowing if our baby will need pink or blue, or possibly we will get babies for both bears. They are going to sit in the crib until it is filled with our sweet child. (By the way, I have already picked out the crib I want- no surprise.) It was such a sweet moment for me. My parents are going to be grandparents and they are so excited and that couldn't mean more to me.
When I climbed into bed last night I couldn't help but be humbled by a love from God that I don't deserve. A love from family that I don't deserve. I prayed that God would help me love those around me the way God loves me. I am so blessed. I am so loved. I am so undeserving. That is what is so amazing about God's love. I did nothing to make God love me, but He does. I did nothing to deserve these gifts, but He gives them. I am nothing, but through Him I am someone. He holds me the way that mom on my card is holding those tiny feet. And there is hope in God's love.

Comedy of errors

This Thursday we headed off to Asheville for our adoption conference with Bethany. Dave and I were excited, nervous, and not sure what to expect. We followed the directions Bethany provided and exited off of the exit where our hotel was supposed to be. All of the other hotels they listed were there, but our hotel was no where to be found. After 3 phone calls we realized that the directions they provided to our hotel were wrong, but a nice woman gave us the address to our hotel and about 5 exits down we found it.

Now, if anyone knows me you will understand what happened next. We pulled up to our hotel and it was actually a motel, with the doors opening to the outside. All I could think was of course the one we picked is not what we thought it was, and of course it was the only one on the list that was a motel, and of course it was the only one with the wrong directions. This is par for the course of my life! We walked into the room and I walked into the bathroom and burst into tears. Utter melt down. Not a good start to the weekend.

Dave found me sitting in the bathroom balling my eyes out. I blubbered out "why does our life always have to be like this?" The words of our mouths are from the overflow of our hearts- who am I to ask more of God than what he has already blessed me with? Why do I feel entitled to something better? What an ungrateful child I am! The truth of my sin was sobering. I quickly pulled myself together and we headed out for dinner.

God didn't have to provide his ungrateful child with yet another gift, but He did. We found a place that I had heard about in Southern Living magazine called the Tupelo Honey Cafe. It was an amazingly perfect little place in downtown Asheville. It was beautiful, quaint, and kind of fairy tale like. There were homemade biscuits and blackberry Jam...and we had the perfect date night with lovely intimate conversation. A gift!

The next morning at 8:45 am we were heading into the church where our meeting was. There were 26 couples. All with the same look on their faces as we had. The look of fear, but also the look of hope. After a very long day- I came away with a renewed sense of purpose. Adoption is what God has called us to. Adoption is so much bigger than us just becoming parents, adoption is the legacy we will leave with our kids. They will have a new identity, a new name, and be loved by us as their parents. God has adopted those who believe in Him. He has given us a new identity as His sons and daughters in Christ. He is our father. We will inherit the kingdom of Heaven. Our kids will inherit the legacy of our love for them and their adoption into our family, as well as their identity in Christ. What a beautiful picture adoption is of Christ's love for us. We are so privileged to be a part of an adoption story. We cannot wait to see God's plan unfold. What a privileged life I live!

Waiting

Psalm 27:14 "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord."

I read this scripture and thought now this is one I need to commit to memory. So much of our life is about waiting right now. We are waiting for the paperwork to be finished, we are waiting for our baby, we are waiting for Dave to finish school, I am waiting for a time when we will have another income, we are waiting to see where Dave will get a job, I am waiting to see if one day I can work less ;)...we are in an indefinite time of waiting.
I am not good at waiting. I was reading this morning in my "Adopted for Life" book and he mentioned that God has always been about waiting in anticipation for something better. He created Adam, but didn't create Eve right away, God waited until Adam realized that there wasn't a helper suitable for him on the Earth. God promised Abraham a son and they waited for God to fulfill that prophecy. Hannah waited for years until she finally had a child. Mary and Martha waited for Jesus to come heal Lazarus- Jesus didn't come until Lazarus was dead. Jesus said he would return and we are anxiously still waiting for that day. But the end to these stories of waiting is the fulfillment of God's best. Adam found his helper, Sarah and Hannah had babies, Lazarus was raised from the dead, and Jesus is coming back for us.
The waiting was part of God's plan. He has a purpose in the waiting. He is using this time to make me more like Christ. He is using this time to prepare me to be a mom. He is using this time to show me that I am horrible at trusting in God's goodness when I am waiting. I am so weak and I realize that I should beg for God's mercy for ever questioning His goodness. In the end I may not get exactly what I am waiting for, but I do have God's love, and He will get the glory that He deserves.
Please remind me of this when I once again fall apart and lose patience in the waiting...

how sweet

I wanted to let everyone know that we are almost done with the home study!!! YEAH!!!! Our class has been moved to April 23rd and we have our final home study visit on May 5th. We are very excited to see light at the end of the paper work tunnel. It has seemed like forever since we started this journey. I am so thankful to not be alone on this untraveled road...
I talked to one of my sweetest friends today, my best friend, and was reminded just how valuable friendships are. She has been one of the most constant people in my life since elementary school. It is so precious to be able to talk with someone who knows you, really knows you. Someone who understands why you are the way you are and how you got to be that way. It is so sweet to share in what God is teaching you and in how tough life can be. To know that you have someone on the other side of the world who is praying for you and encouraging you. My sister in Christ, but really when it comes down to it, just my sister.
I have seen recently so many examples of friendship. Dinner last night with women who have come together to show that when one world is falling apart the others are there to hold up the pieces. Church on Sunday, one of the women I look up to the most grabbed my hand and said "Really, how are you?" I couldn't resist the torrent of emotions that flowed from my mouth and she couldn't resist hugging me and praying for me. She went to battle against the enemy for me. There is no better friend. A friend from work asking "What are you going to do in your nursery?" She has no idea that just that simple question overflows my aching heart so much because she is validating that I am preparing to be a mom, and that doesn't happen often to families adopting. Phone calls to see how I am doing, messages on my blog of sweet encouragement, texts, emails, facebook messages, cards, and Easter baskets.
I see so clearly that we are in fact the body of Christ. My friends and family are His arms hugging me, His words encouraging me, Him loving me. Jesus uses those sweet relationships in my life to remind me that He is good. It reminds me of that phrase "the aroma of Christ", the love that draws you to him, that satisfies, that is sweet to the soul, that makes the empty cup of my heart overflow. What would I do without my Jesus?

Adoption Profile

Click here to view this photo book larger

The clay pot

Let me start off by saying that the last few weeks have been filled with so much emotion that I haven't been able to process them into words. I have been thinking about what I wanted to share on my blog and how to make sense of everything, but I just couldn't muster the energy to type them out in words. I was on my way to work late last night and was listening to worship music in the car. In that still quiet moment God renewed me just enough to be able to share with you what I have been learning.

Dave and I went on a high school retreat last weekend with our youth and like many other times I went into it expecting for the youth to get a lot out of it. And then, as usual God spoke directly to my heart. We were reading in Isaiah during the morning session and words knocked a hole through my heart: Isaiah 45:9-11
“What sorrow awaits those who argue with their Creator. Does a clay pot argue with its maker? Does the clay dispute with the one who shapes it, saying, ‘Stop, you’re doing it wrong!’ Does the pot exclaim, ‘How clumsy can you be?’ How terrible it would be if a newborn baby said to its father,‘Why was I born?’ or if it said to its mother, ‘Why did you make me this way?’” This is what the Lord says— the Holy One of Israel and your Creator: “Do you question what I do for my children? Do you give me orders about the work of my hands?"

I read this again during my quiet time and the shame I felt was overwhelming. How many times during this process trying to have a family have I looked up to my creator and said why did you make me this way? Why are you doing this? You aren't doing it right! How much will you put me through? Please do this my way! I am that clay pot staring back at my maker and telling him how to write my story. I am that clay saying "No, mold me this way! " Do I not trust the work of my fathers hands? I confessed immediately and settled in my heart right there in the middle of a strangers dorm room that I will try not to ever question my fathers will and workmanship. So that leads me to Monday.....

Who knew that I would be called to put that into action the very next Monday? God probably did. It is amazing how He prepares us. We had our initial home study interview and to say that it didn't go as planned would be an understatement. Our social worker thought that the meeting was at another location and wasn't there when we got there, we found out that they made a mistake and we started our home study paper work before we had our class and that no one is supposed to do that, and then we were faced with the possibility of a very long wait. We were told that if we didn't "consider more options " we should expect to wait a very long time. Crushing. I left that office saying what just happened? I was so disheartened. So tired of things being hard. So over facing one road block after another. So ready to be a mom. So depressed.

Here is where the rubber meets the road. I sat in my car last night saying God I trust the works of your hands. I would rather live a life that is how you crafted it than the life I think you should have crafted. If you want us to wait for years I will. If you want to change our plans I will go. My heavenly father loves me so much that He crafts each stroke of my life with such attention to detail. Oh how he loves us. How could the clay possibly know what it's masterpiece should look like?

We have our individual interviews this Monday. Our class is April 23rd, and then our home visit should be the last week in April. After that we begin the wait. I am more willing than ever to wait on God's masterpiece for my life.

out of inspiration

I feel like I should update our blog since it has been over a week, but for the first time in a while I don't feel like writing. It has been a long week or so. I am tired. I have prayed more than I have in a long time, but for whatever reason couldn't make myself take the time to open the word. I feel the need to focus on asking God to move. Really, begging God to move. There are situations in our ministry right now and in our life that we need God to move in. We need God to show up in BIG ways and change what seems impossible. We need God to show to everyone that He is alive, active, and in control. I believe it. I truly do, down to the core of my being. I know God cares for us and hears our cries. The problem is I just don't know what the answers will look like. Guess that is again where faith comes in, trusting in the answer that you don't know yet. But knowing that the answer will be God's best for you and that He will help you accept whatever the answer is. I have been so burdened for the people in our life, so broken for them, so in need of God to repair them. I want them to be a story that shows God's ability to repair. I just ask that you would pray for the same thing. Pray that they would know the amazing power of God's ability to heal and restore.
On a side note we have our initial home study interview on Monday the 22nd. So, we will finally start moving forward again. Recently that has been the last thing on my mind, but I am happy to regain focus on growing our family and actually be able to participate in some more steps that will allow us to do that. Dave will finish his last class before student teaching in May (praise GOD)!, and I am just trying to keep up energy to work and run our household. The blessing is that when others around us are falling apart God has helped us be in a time of strength so that we can pour out and minister. Thankful for that.

Storms

I am finding that I look forward to this moment on a regular basis. The moment where I sit down with my cup of coffee and start to blog. It helps me reflect on what God is teaching me. It helps me put in to words what I am feeling, and it has helped me realize that I have a heart for sharing what God is doing in my life! It is my own personal little place of healing and growth. Who would have ever thought that God would choose to use the tool of blogging to reach me- I guess God would have.
I have been reading through 1 Peter in my quiet times, and as I have posted earlier a lot of 1 Peter is about suffering and trial. Trial and suffering are two things very close to my heart. I understand that might sound strange, but I am going to explain.
This weekend in the midst of a wedding celebration I ran into an old friend, and right there at the reception we began to talk about the storm that she has been walking through in her life. She has been struggling with the storm of infertility and miscarriage. I was moved by the pain she was going through. A couple of weeks ago I had a conversation with a co-worker about her husband's diagnosis of kidney failure and his treatment options. I was struck by the storm ahead of her and by the overwhelming need to support her. I sat at church this morning and watched people tear up as our pastor preached on, what else, storms!! I thought about what the pain in their lives might be.
See, storms, pain, and suffering happen to us all. We are either coming out of a storm, going into a storm, or are in the middle of a storm. At this point it looks depressing, but what moves me about storms is Jesus in the midst of them.
I have never known the heart of Jesus more than when I have been in the middle of a storm. We read in Matthew 7: 24-27 today. "Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash." My house before suffering was built on sand, but after the first storm of life came and knocked it down God has been slowly rebuilding it on rock. I finally have faith that can withstand the storms of life. What happens to the people who don't have that faith?
We then looked at Matthew 8: 24-26 "Without warning, a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him, saying, "Lord, save us! We're going to drown!" He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm."
Just one chapter before God was warning us to build our faith on rock and not on sand, so that we are safe in the storms. The next chapter blew me away. First of all, the storm came without warning- isn't that just like life? We think we are smooth sailing and then out of no where life throws you a curve ball and you are in the middle of a storm you didn't see coming. Jesus is physically with the disciples at this point, and they think He is going to sleep right through their storm and they panic! Doubt immediately follows. Isn't that just like me? But what Jesus does next is the miracle- in one second he makes it- completely calm. Probably with just one word.
So, what this left me with was a burning desire to share the Jesus that is with me with others. I have been asking myself why it is easier for me to share my faith now? Because I have been through storms, and I have been with Jesus, and with a word he has completely calmed my soul. What do people do who don't have that? Where do they turn when their faith that is built on sand is destroyed and they are left facing the storm alone? I want so badly for people to know the Jesus that I have met. Being a believer and knowing Jesus intimately doesn't promise that there will not be storms. But being in a storm with Jesus is quite amazing, and the only way I can survive.
I have been moved, disturbed to action, and grown through storms. I finally get what 1 Peter has been teaching me "But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." I can rejoice that because of suffering I can relate to the rest of the world. I can minister to anyone because everyone goes through storms. I can see the need for Christ that people have. I can know Christ better. That is something to rejoice about!

Finally some GOOD news

This blog won't make anyone cry because it is actually GOOD news! Haha ;) We got an email from Bethany stating that they received- get ready for it- ALL of our paper work!!! YEAH!!!! They also set the date for our "class", April 30th in Asheville! Very exciting! So, hopefully our social worker will be in contact soon to set up our home visit date- guess that means it is time to spring clean!!! After our home visit is finished we will go to the class, turn in our family profile, and then be officially waiting!!! It is extremely exciting to just be taking baby steps forward! I needed that boost! More to follow...

Growing Pains

This week has been normal in a lot of ways, but full of growing pains in others. I have been dealing with a lot of fears this week. A fear that I will lose patience as we are still in a time of waiting to move forward with the adoption process. A fear that somehow we will never get to the end of this process. A fear that the end result will not be a beautiful baby, but a failed adoption. I fear having to learn through more tragedy. I have been hearing messages this week about God teaching us through suffering and tragedy. I read in 1 Peter this morning about suffering and becoming more like Jesus through suffering. Can't help but wonder if God is preparing me to learn through suffering again.... Jesus suffered so many horrible things in His life for me. His love for me put him through unspeakable tragedy, but when faced with the thought of pain I find myself begging God not to allow it. I understand that fearing God's will for my life is not healthy, and it is also not of God. My enemy is hard at work trying to destroy my faith in God's love for me. God has an amazing plan for an abundant life for me- I know that deep down. God does allow suffering, but He also allows unspeakable joy, love, and growth.
My savior spoke louder than the enemy this morning. I got the reminder I needed reading a blog of a couple that I have never met. She was talking about her adoption in Russia. The only thing she wants her new son to remember at the end of his day is that she loves him. She wants to say to him, you are my son whom I love! I sat in front of my computer and cried. It hit me like a recking ball- How much more does God want to say to me- you are my daughter that I love dearly! God created parenthood, and He is the original father. It is a beautiful picture of His love for us. A tangible way for us to see His love. I can imagine in some small way His love for me when I think about the love I have for a child I have never met.
These growing pains are preparing me to be a mother. The patience that I am learning will no doubt serve me later when my children are being disobedient, or are late for their curfew. The ability to trust in God's plan no matter the situation will be implemented when my children stray from Him and I feel as if I have no control. The love that I now more deeply understand will one day be poured out on my children. Growing pains aren't easy, but they are so necessary. They will allow me to grow my faith and my family.

Reality Check

Have you ever had a reality check happen when you weren't ready for it? Got up this morning and headed out the door for church with my cup of coffee, business as usual for Sundays...until I got to church. I began to listen to the message and before long started to feel convicted. God was holding a large magnifying lens over my heart and what I saw was shocking. The sin that was staring back at me was ugly. It was exposed. It needed to be dealt with. It was as if my pastor had watched my week play out and written his sermon to speak directly to me. There was scripture that I have read a million times but never once applied to this area of my life. It was as if I was seeing it for the first time- and maybe I was. I began to sink in my seat and wonder how such a perfect God, or anyone else for that matter could love me. I don't deserve His mercy and grace that He lavishes on me, but oh how I need it.
I prayed for a humble spirit earlier this week and God answered today. My pride revealed by my unwillingness to acknowledge my own sin. There it was staring right at me, and now it had to be dealt with. The good news is that the Word of God washed over me like cleansing water. I heard with my heart how I could address this sin, how there is an enemy against me, and how God's word says I can fight against it. God's word is so applicable. It is a weapon of mighty power. It will allow me to dig out and destroy this dark spot. I can expose it to the light of truth and allow God to deal with it. God's mercy has never felt so reassuring. My time of communion was bitter sweet. A broken sinner taking a part of the perfect lamb and feeling so undeserving, but so desperate for the repair it brings.
Now to humble myself at the feet of those that I have sinned against-not easy, but so necessary. Admitting that I am a sinner is a struggle for a perfectionist like me. It hurts my pride. But not admitting it hurts far more. I am a sinner who desperately needs the blood of a perfect savior and the power of a loving God. Holy holy holy is the Lord God almighty.

Always need to be reminded

I just read my last blog and laughed at myself. I have found myself seeking desperately for comfort and safety this week. I have yearned for calm and certainty. Where is the "no faith required" path? I missed it, but would sure like to find it. I can honestly say my favorite word has been easy, why can't things be easy? It is like just when I find comfort and settle into a path that seems more predictable my world is shaken like a snow globe. I am learning that even though I am growing each day in my faith and courage to follow God; I am still happy to settle into a clear path and find it very hard to accept when God once again steps in and adds a secret trail that I didn't see coming. I revert back to wondering do I really trust where this path will lead and who made the map? It humbles me to see how easily my world is turned upside down. I read in 1 Peter today about trials and thought to myself I am sure glad that I am through all of those- haha...I am sure many of you are laughing right now. I wanted to be through them. I read the verse and thought- that is so true- trial really does purify and build faith- glad that it worked for me, hope I never have it again!
5 hours later...where is that verse again?! 1 Peter 1:6-7 "So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you may have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold-though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world."
Can I be truly glad just because I have the faith to believe that there is wonderful joy ahead when Jesus Christ comes back for me? Do I have that kind of genuine faith? It is safe to say it is being refined by fire. May I find my faith more precious than Gold when I am through. It struck me tonight though just how comforting it is to have a savior that so intimately knows my inmost thoughts and desires. I can whisper fears and doubts that no one else in the world knows and know that they are safe in his arms. He hears me and loves me and wants to help. That is a feeling that is worth trial. My savior knows my inner most thoughts and feelings and He is going to handle them gently. Praise God that He is the lover of my soul. I find peace in that. I find comfort in that. I find the courage to say your will be done. Your will be done Lord.

No longer living safe

I feel like God brings things that I need to learn in waves. Maybe because I have to be knocked over in order to hear them. God is faithful to bring up the same message until I begin to get it. Lately, the theme has been living out loud, live like your dieing, don't live the safe life, take chances for God, ect. Our church has been talking about "the end times", and with that asking the questions- What are we putting off that we really need to be doing now? What is important to us? What do we need to be doing while we wait for Jesus to return? He IS coming back and we do not know the day or time, so in a churchy kind of way- are we ready? I feel like for the first time in my life I could listen to that message being preached and actually think of some examples.
I am risking my heart and basically our bank account to follow God's plan to adopt. I am jumping off the edge of that cliff and praying that God is big enough to provide the finances to complete our adoption, and the faith to raise an adopted child- that is probably one of the most scary and trusting things I have ever done!
Dave is in school and working at our church so that he can go into the schools and bring the Gospel to lost students. I can only imagine what God will do with that. We cannot out give or out trust God. He will always out bless and out provide us.
I am trying to be bold and let the people I work with see the hope that I have in Christ. I am trying not to keep this amazing gift I have to myself. To share in actions, but also in words. I don't want to just be the nice girl at work, but to have an answer for what I believe. His word will not return void.
It is amazing to me to learn lessons like this one. If it were up to me I would be living the safe, easy, middle of the road life. I love comfort. I am not one to take any kind of risk, or do anything out of the ordinary of people's expectations. I am that girl clinging to the balance beam of life content to be safe. Never to ripple the waters of this world. I would probably be a consumeristic Christian who goes to church to grow, but not serve. Goes to work to make money, but not impact lives for Christ. Goes through life getting things done, completing the routine, but never stopping to ask herself what God really wants from me. It took the grace of God and the little wake up calls of life not turning out quite like I thought it would to open my eyes to this crazy life God has for us if we will only make small steps of faith.
I have so much to learn, but I pray that what I have learned from these trials will not be forgotten. When I get to Heaven I want to know that I did something to bring glory to God, or had an impact on someones eternity. What I am thankful for most of all is trial because through trial I have learned perseverance and through that I have become more rooted in my belief of an abundant life through living for God's will and not my own.

CELEBRATE!!!

It is time to celebrate- I mailed the paperwork off yesterday!!!!!!!!! It feels amazing to have it out of this house and on its way to the right place. Unfortunately, I am celebrating temporarily by myself because Dave is gone on staff retreat. I cannot explain the weight that lifted off my shoulders as I watched the very nice woman at the UPS store put all of that precious material into an envelope and seal it. Even that experience was sweet- the woman at the UPS charged me less to notarize our papers and copy them. God has been so good to shower small gifts of love and assurance on us through this process. Now we will take the time to tie up loose ends (I am not counting my chickens before they hatch- they may want more paper work from us), set a home visit up, and set up a date for the informational weekend. During this process just taking baby steps forward is such a gratifying feeling.
On a side note I am very glad to have this blog as an outlet for what is going on. Somehow I feel more connected to people. I feel like I can share our progress and our story of adoption, which in many cases during real life I don't get to share. It is tempting to feel like you are alone in this process, or that you are the only one excited about doing paperwork. But for me paperwork is my pregnancy process,adoption updates are my ultrasound pictures, and talking with our adoption agency is our doctors appointments. I know that so much of the adoption process isn't glamorous or exciting, but it is our way of experiencing bringing a child into our world. I want very much to feel like we have this huge family just as excited and just as ready as we are to meet this baby. That has been one of my deepest prayers. So, if you have been one of those amazing encouraging people who have emailed, facebooked, commented on our blog, or said an encouraging word- thank you. You will never know just how much we long for that and need that. You are truly a part of something we hope brings amazing amounts of glory to God.

Still Working...

I have been chatting with a lot of people lately who have mentioned that I haven't updated our blog in a while, so here is an update. We are still working on our home study paper work, which has been a true labor of love. Until this point I have patiently moved through our paperwork and been able to remind myself that this is all for the love of our child- and then I got the home study packet in the mail. It has been so thick and so long and my patience in this process has at times wavered. I have wanted to cry and believe the lie that this will never happen, and at other times I have seen God move in amazing ways (God appointed an amazing woman at the Clerk of Courts to give us our background checks in one day and free of charge). The closer we get to being done with the home study paper work the more anxious I get! I have to take moments every day to be still before the Lord and pray for patience. In many ways this process has been similar to pregnancy: I have been tired and had many sleepless nights. I look at the timeline and think will this child ever be here? I anticipate what he/she will look like, act like, ect. Even the labor pains of going through something uncomfortable in order to meet our sweet little one! Please continue to pray for us as we fight our way through this process. Pray for patience and endurance. Pray for speed through the rest of the process. Pray for our future little one that he/she is being knit together according to God's perfect plan, and for our future birth mother as she will begin to make one of the hardest choices in her life. We will let you know when the home study paper work is sent in (there will be A LOT of rejoicing), and after that the agency will contact us to set up an appointment to come see our house and do our interviews. We will also attend a weekend information meeting...and then we will see!