I made it. I woke up yesterday morning with the same sense of dread I had been anticipating all week. I felt a little sick to my stomach, and all I wanted to do was stay in my PJ's, drink lots of coffee, and run away in to a novel that had absolutely nothing to do with reality. The good news is that God was not allowing that option. I was committed to bring donuts and do the "youth hang out" on Sunday morning before church. I climbed in the shower and breathed out one simple prayer "Lord, I am broken today. Please help me." One foot in front of the other I got dressed and made it to church. I smiled, said the words that were stuck in my throat "happy mothers day", and stood up to get ready to worship.
Singing praises to God was like a cool salve on aching wounds and slowly my focus shifted from my pain to my savior. I sang these words "There is nothing Lord, that I want more, than to follow you." God in a very loving fatherly way whispered back "are you sure?" I woke up wanting nothing more than to be a mother on mothers day. I wasn't being beaten up or chastised by the Lord, I was being gently reminded that I needed to shift my focus. I began to sing that line like I wanted it and to quietly pray that God would build in me a desire for him that far out weighed my desire to be a mom.
Next song I sang out "beautiful Jesus, beautiful savior, nothing is greater, brilliant creator, friend of mine." Again God softly whispered back, do you really believe that nothing is greater than me? I woke up thinking nothing would be greater than being a mom. Immediately a senses of brokenness and repentance flooded through me. I began to sing that song like I believed it. I prayed that God would show me nothing is greater than Him. I didn't need to be a mom this mothers day. I needed to remember that there is nothing that I want more than to know my God who is greater than anything here on this Earth.
I was already beginning to settle into the love, comfort, and peace God was providing on this difficult day. Then pastor Matt stood up on stage and knocked me over with a need so great it made me feel physically ill. He said approx 996,000 people in Charlotte need the Lord, basically 83% of the people where I live are in need of salvation. Out of the 106,000 evangelical churches 100,000 of them did not see even 1 person come to know Christ last year. Not even one. And to top things off 98% of Christians have never shared their faith.
O Lord, we are in desperate need to share the secret to fulfillment in you. I know the way to a life that means more than just living day to day on this Earth and I must share it. I have the key to eternal life and so many die every day and go to Hell. Lord, forgive me for focusing on myself. Forgive me for waking up and the first person I feel for and think about is me. Help me Jesus because I need to shift my focus. There is so much work to be done for the kingdom and the focused workers are few. That wasn't really what I expected mothers day to be like. I am so thankful for a God that decided to meet me right where I was yesterday. He reached down and pulled me out of the slimy pit of self pity and set me on the rock of salvation and urged me forward to serve Him.
As church was ending I had a renewed focus and a renewed sense of purpose that God had lovingly placed in my aching heart. I was about to leave when one of the women from church came up and wrapped her arms around me. She said she had a gift for me. While sitting behind me at church God had spoken a word to her. He wanted her to tell me that he does hear my prayers. God had a word just for me. God had a plan for my Mother's Day.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Thursday, May 5, 2011
God loves ugly
There is no place in the world that I feel more inadequate than at work. I attempt to pray, memorize scripture, listen to sermons and praise music, and put as much "holy armor" on as possible on my way to work. My car is a place where I ready myself for the spiritual battle that inevitably will take place once I walk through the doors. For about the last year I walk through those doors, the wind hits me, and immediately every piece of armor I have so carefully put into place is blown away in seconds. I am left standing there exposed, and what is underneath is not always pretty. In fact it is sometimes hideous.
God has increasingly used this place to point out my glaring short falls and ugly imperfections. That is probably why at times I dislike going so much. And Satan has used this place to gain a foothold in my life. My "fake it till you make it" philosophy has slowly began to crack under pressure and that perfect image that I tried so hard to craft has fallen away to reveal in all of my humility that I am an imperfect mess who is only functional by the saving grace of Jesus. The words of my mouth reveal the state of my heart, and lets just say it isn't always positive or even beneficial to those who listen. I used to feel like God used infertility as his main tool to sharpen and mold me, and now I am quite sure my career as a nurse has become his new tool of refinement. I am in such need of it.
I face down one of my greatest desires each time I enter into those doors. I help others become mothers night after night and the ugly demons of anger, resentment, doubt, and pride (I deserve to be a mom more than she does) show up regularly. I constantly have to face my increasing doubt that God will in fact provide this sweet gift to me one day as well, and that His plan for me is perfect. Satan takes every advantage with each delivery to make me doubt this. I forget to do things and make mistakes- I am not a perfect person and the work load is so much to bear. I have a hard time accepting that I am not perfect and I cannot help but be consumed with trying to be at work- there is no escaping it. I have difficulty sharing Jesus with my coworkers and often times settle with longing to be accepted over doing what is right. I allow myself to wallow in negativity and my tongue to say things it should not. I allow Satan to use these struggles to convince me that I am a failure, and that I will never be good enough. Confronting the truth this week was not easy.
I started reading a book given to me by a friend called "God loves ugly", and my need to hear this couldn't have been more prevalent than this week. My failures and short comings sometimes overwhelm me to the point that I feel I cannot stand up under them. God loves ugly. God loves my broken, sinful, messed up self enough to use my job, infertility, and so many other things to refine me into something beautiful. The fact is he even uses the ugly for his beautiful glory. He loves me just as I am, but loves me too much to leave me that way. God is becoming more and I am becoming less. If I didn't have things in my life to remind me that I could not do it without God, I would most definitely be tempted to live my life without Him. I am so thankful for my inability to fake it any more. It is good for my soul to be faced with my impossibilities because God's love for me has never been so real and so needed. I long to want God more each day. I long to be beautiful because of Him, not to try to be beautiful for my own glory. If I didn't have things that regularly reminded me of just how inadequate my feeble attempts are then I would live life relying on myself. What good is that life?
When you lay the ugly in the light and allow God to see it and heal it you begin a journey to becoming amazingly covered by the beautiful blood of Christ. You then become consumed with people seeing the beautiful Jesus in you, not the fake perfection you put up. God loves ugly. God takes ugly and makes it truly beautiful in His time.
Ecclesiastes 3:11 (New International Version, ©2011)
" He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. "
God has increasingly used this place to point out my glaring short falls and ugly imperfections. That is probably why at times I dislike going so much. And Satan has used this place to gain a foothold in my life. My "fake it till you make it" philosophy has slowly began to crack under pressure and that perfect image that I tried so hard to craft has fallen away to reveal in all of my humility that I am an imperfect mess who is only functional by the saving grace of Jesus. The words of my mouth reveal the state of my heart, and lets just say it isn't always positive or even beneficial to those who listen. I used to feel like God used infertility as his main tool to sharpen and mold me, and now I am quite sure my career as a nurse has become his new tool of refinement. I am in such need of it.
I face down one of my greatest desires each time I enter into those doors. I help others become mothers night after night and the ugly demons of anger, resentment, doubt, and pride (I deserve to be a mom more than she does) show up regularly. I constantly have to face my increasing doubt that God will in fact provide this sweet gift to me one day as well, and that His plan for me is perfect. Satan takes every advantage with each delivery to make me doubt this. I forget to do things and make mistakes- I am not a perfect person and the work load is so much to bear. I have a hard time accepting that I am not perfect and I cannot help but be consumed with trying to be at work- there is no escaping it. I have difficulty sharing Jesus with my coworkers and often times settle with longing to be accepted over doing what is right. I allow myself to wallow in negativity and my tongue to say things it should not. I allow Satan to use these struggles to convince me that I am a failure, and that I will never be good enough. Confronting the truth this week was not easy.
I started reading a book given to me by a friend called "God loves ugly", and my need to hear this couldn't have been more prevalent than this week. My failures and short comings sometimes overwhelm me to the point that I feel I cannot stand up under them. God loves ugly. God loves my broken, sinful, messed up self enough to use my job, infertility, and so many other things to refine me into something beautiful. The fact is he even uses the ugly for his beautiful glory. He loves me just as I am, but loves me too much to leave me that way. God is becoming more and I am becoming less. If I didn't have things in my life to remind me that I could not do it without God, I would most definitely be tempted to live my life without Him. I am so thankful for my inability to fake it any more. It is good for my soul to be faced with my impossibilities because God's love for me has never been so real and so needed. I long to want God more each day. I long to be beautiful because of Him, not to try to be beautiful for my own glory. If I didn't have things that regularly reminded me of just how inadequate my feeble attempts are then I would live life relying on myself. What good is that life?
When you lay the ugly in the light and allow God to see it and heal it you begin a journey to becoming amazingly covered by the beautiful blood of Christ. You then become consumed with people seeing the beautiful Jesus in you, not the fake perfection you put up. God loves ugly. God takes ugly and makes it truly beautiful in His time.
Ecclesiastes 3:11 (New International Version, ©2011)
" He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. "
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