The clay pot

Let me start off by saying that the last few weeks have been filled with so much emotion that I haven't been able to process them into words. I have been thinking about what I wanted to share on my blog and how to make sense of everything, but I just couldn't muster the energy to type them out in words. I was on my way to work late last night and was listening to worship music in the car. In that still quiet moment God renewed me just enough to be able to share with you what I have been learning.

Dave and I went on a high school retreat last weekend with our youth and like many other times I went into it expecting for the youth to get a lot out of it. And then, as usual God spoke directly to my heart. We were reading in Isaiah during the morning session and words knocked a hole through my heart: Isaiah 45:9-11
“What sorrow awaits those who argue with their Creator. Does a clay pot argue with its maker? Does the clay dispute with the one who shapes it, saying, ‘Stop, you’re doing it wrong!’ Does the pot exclaim, ‘How clumsy can you be?’ How terrible it would be if a newborn baby said to its father,‘Why was I born?’ or if it said to its mother, ‘Why did you make me this way?’” This is what the Lord says— the Holy One of Israel and your Creator: “Do you question what I do for my children? Do you give me orders about the work of my hands?"

I read this again during my quiet time and the shame I felt was overwhelming. How many times during this process trying to have a family have I looked up to my creator and said why did you make me this way? Why are you doing this? You aren't doing it right! How much will you put me through? Please do this my way! I am that clay pot staring back at my maker and telling him how to write my story. I am that clay saying "No, mold me this way! " Do I not trust the work of my fathers hands? I confessed immediately and settled in my heart right there in the middle of a strangers dorm room that I will try not to ever question my fathers will and workmanship. So that leads me to Monday.....

Who knew that I would be called to put that into action the very next Monday? God probably did. It is amazing how He prepares us. We had our initial home study interview and to say that it didn't go as planned would be an understatement. Our social worker thought that the meeting was at another location and wasn't there when we got there, we found out that they made a mistake and we started our home study paper work before we had our class and that no one is supposed to do that, and then we were faced with the possibility of a very long wait. We were told that if we didn't "consider more options " we should expect to wait a very long time. Crushing. I left that office saying what just happened? I was so disheartened. So tired of things being hard. So over facing one road block after another. So ready to be a mom. So depressed.

Here is where the rubber meets the road. I sat in my car last night saying God I trust the works of your hands. I would rather live a life that is how you crafted it than the life I think you should have crafted. If you want us to wait for years I will. If you want to change our plans I will go. My heavenly father loves me so much that He crafts each stroke of my life with such attention to detail. Oh how he loves us. How could the clay possibly know what it's masterpiece should look like?

We have our individual interviews this Monday. Our class is April 23rd, and then our home visit should be the last week in April. After that we begin the wait. I am more willing than ever to wait on God's masterpiece for my life.