It has been a long time since I have blogged. I have noticed that the length of time between each blog has become increasingly long. I was thinking about that today and I believe that is because the original intention of this blog has changed. The broken person that first began blogging is vastly different than the woman that I am today. The story that originally was being written has been not necessarily resolved, but taken a turn towards being healed.
This blog started as a place for me to deal with the pain of infertility and how that pain affected everything in my life, but that pain mostly affected the way that I viewed God. Looking back on old entries I can see my struggle to reconcile a loving God with a bad circumstance.
Thankfully, God used that pain in my life to reveal the shifting sand that my faith was built on. He also revealed that I was putting my hope in everything but Him. Once all of that crud was removed I was left to rebuild my faith and re place my hope. God graciously came along side of me and loved me to a place where I intimately know Him and depend on Him. I understand God's character in a way that I never did. I now understand that what Satan means for evil, God always uses for our good. I understand that God's character and goodness have nothing to do with my circumstance, and that in the midst of pain God is right beside me. I have hope in Him alone. I know that in ALL things God is good, I know that deep in the core of my soul.
I have the peace that comes when you know that no matter what you face God is good and God is with you. I wouldn't change what I have learned for anything. I have also learned perspective. The pain that I have experienced in my life is nothing in comparison to the challenges and pain my brothers and sister in Christ face all over the world. Many people would take my pain in exchange for theirs any day. All of that to say, I think the focus of this blog is due to shift. I am in an intense time of learning. Growing. God is creating in me a fierce passion for Him. I am in fact learning at such a rapid pace that taking time to put the lessons into words has been difficult. Thus the long break in blogging.
On to lesson 1, which by the way I will always be in the process of learning, so summarizing it in a few sentences will NOT do it justice. As I said before, I am learning to hope in God alone. He is building in me a relentless hope. One that is fierce and full of persistence. He is using a book called Relentless Hope to aid me in that growth. I am learning about the faith of others that are willing to grow to the point where they believe that there is no circumstance in which God can't use the circumstance for His glory and our greater good. People who knew that their calling to the mission field would bring their death, not maybe, but most certainly bring death, but had relentless hope in the eternal reward waiting for them. " Not casual hope, not hope when it is convenient, but a relentless, barreling toward it, life-changing, deal-breaking, kind of hope". God has been relentless about healing my wounds and coming after my heart even when I wasn't trusting in him, even when I grossly misunderstood His character. Through that relentless love He is demonstrating to me a way to have relentless faith and hope.
Lesson #2, God is most certainly right in the midst of my storms.
Matthew 8:23-27
" Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. Suddenly a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!” He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.
The men were amazed and asked, “What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!”"
Some of the disciples were fisherman. They had probably been in many a boat when storms came up- and until this point they had always been able to handle those storms. The disciples also had been living life with Jesus- they had seen the miracles, and knew his character, yet we find them freaking out in the middle of a storm questioning what Jesus is doing and if He can save them. I just heard a sermon preached on this passage and it was so simple, and yet so hard to practice. I am just like those disciples, in the midst of the storm, I totally forget who Jesus is and where He is, especially when my own efforts fail. I constantly have to re learn that Jesus is in the boat. He is not on the shore watching me flail and scream for help. He is in my boat- smack dab in the middle of my storm with me. Lest I forget- He is more than able to calm every wave, because all of life is obedient to Him. There is nothing in which God cannot control and use for my good. Whether God chooses to calm my storm or take my life by storm, He is God and He is good.
I am so thankful that this blog is due for a turn on my journey. Without the journey of pain chronicled before this I would not be where I am today.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
Love Costs Everything
It feels like so long since I have written. Hitting the keys and processing what I have been learning into words almost feels foreign. I can't really explain why I haven't had the desire to sit down and mull through all that I have been learning, except that what I have been learning has been almost too precious and feels too close to share. That was until this past week.
I just got back from a youth conference called Christ In Youth- or CIY. We took 20 teenagers to the conference. I have been on youth trips before, and I always get something out of the trips. The worship is usually amazing, and the speakers are entertaining, but this trip was something I never saw coming. The theme for the week was " Love Costs Everything", well that was the theme that resonated with me. We read stories about Daniel, Rahab, John the Baptist, and Josiah. They were all faced with situations where following their faith could cost them their lives. Their love for God was so great that they were willing to choose God over life on Earth. Those stories were powerful, but nothing compared to the stories of the martyrs and the persecuted that were told over the next few days.
There are approx 100- 200 million Christians in our world being severely persecuted or killed for their faith.
"What if we weren’t allowed to have sanctuaries? What if there were no cathedrals? Would we still have a church? This is a reality for nearly two hundred million Christians around the world. Daily, they risk their lives simply because they believe in Jesus. They could surrender, or convert, or quit but the love of Jesus is worth the sacrifice. For many of them, this road leads to death."- CIY MOVE
I watched story after story of people today who are faced with this question- Die and give up everything or continue to proclaim your faith in Jesus. I watched story after story of men and women who boldly chose Jesus and paid with their lives and the lives of their families. I watched the interviews of people who after just losing loved ones praised God for working through that painful situation. I watched a mother and her children literally proclaim the love and faithfulness of God as they scooped up the body of their father who had just been shot and put him into their car. I watched the story of a man who baptized the three men who raped and beat his wife close to death. I heard a missionary speak of how he prayed and baptized the leader of an extremist group who tried to kill him and the missionaries with him. I saw grace and forgiveness lived out on a scale that I cannot even imagine. I saw a group of people so convinced of God's love for them and God's trustworthiness that they were willing to give everything, and not only to give everything, but to do it without doubt, question, anger, and with JOY.
Philippians 1: 21 "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." Paul said this as he sat in prison. I have never truly understood this verse. Then I saw this verse lived out. I heard a man who was about to die say this verse. He meant every word. He understood that to live for Christ is great, but to die for Christ and to be with God in Heaven is even better, especially when over 200 people come to know the Lord at your funeral, as the people in Columbia did at this man's funeral.
Love Costs Everything. Being a Christians has a steep cost for most of the people in this world. What does it cost those of us here in America? We allow our religious freedom to lull us into a lazy stupor. We take for granted that there is a church on every corner and we choose to sleep in on Sunday mornings. We neglect to read daily the word of God, when there are 12 Bible's in our homes. We don't share the love of Christ with others, even though most likely we won't be taking a bullet for it, but maybe only risking a roll of someone's eyes. Our religious freedom in the United States has caused us to take God for granted. Love Costs Everything. What is it costing me? It should cost me something. What value is there in something that costs nothing? If we are given something for free and lose it, it doesn't bother us, but if we spend our hard earned money on something and lose it, then we are upset. Living as a believer should cost you something. It cost Jesus His life! He gave his everything because He loved us. What are you giving?
It should cost us our finances, our time, our comfort, our devotion, our life plans, our everything belongs to Christ. I was wrecked by my laziness, apathy, pitiful complaints of how "hard" life is. I repented with weeping after watching true faith played out on the video screens. I will not allow the freedom we have here to lull me into going through the motions of faith, and not giving everything. I am so thankful to worship a God who deserves everything. I am overwhelmed by a love that cost him everything. I want to give Him my everything. I am broken for the Christians of this world who are murdered and beaten daily just because of what they believe. I am ashamed that I had no idea what most of them were going through. I am sad to say that until this past week I thought little of the Christians outside of my world, and prayed even less. I am committed to praying with a larger world view now. I don't want to forget what others are sacrificing for their faith.
Join me. Pray for those in Iraq, India, Columbia, North Korea, and all over who are giving their everything to see people come to know Christ. Don't allow our religious freedom to really put us in the prison of laziness and apathy. Open your Bible daily, consume the word the way these people do, like it might be your last chance. Go to church and become a part of the body who serves, like these people do, because their life literally depends on it. Trust God and love God with all that you are, the way these people do because you are convinced without a shadow of a doubt that HE IS WORTHY.
May love cost us everything.
http://2011.ciy.com/move/lovecostseverything
I just got back from a youth conference called Christ In Youth- or CIY. We took 20 teenagers to the conference. I have been on youth trips before, and I always get something out of the trips. The worship is usually amazing, and the speakers are entertaining, but this trip was something I never saw coming. The theme for the week was " Love Costs Everything", well that was the theme that resonated with me. We read stories about Daniel, Rahab, John the Baptist, and Josiah. They were all faced with situations where following their faith could cost them their lives. Their love for God was so great that they were willing to choose God over life on Earth. Those stories were powerful, but nothing compared to the stories of the martyrs and the persecuted that were told over the next few days.
There are approx 100- 200 million Christians in our world being severely persecuted or killed for their faith.
"What if we weren’t allowed to have sanctuaries? What if there were no cathedrals? Would we still have a church? This is a reality for nearly two hundred million Christians around the world. Daily, they risk their lives simply because they believe in Jesus. They could surrender, or convert, or quit but the love of Jesus is worth the sacrifice. For many of them, this road leads to death."- CIY MOVE
I watched story after story of people today who are faced with this question- Die and give up everything or continue to proclaim your faith in Jesus. I watched story after story of men and women who boldly chose Jesus and paid with their lives and the lives of their families. I watched the interviews of people who after just losing loved ones praised God for working through that painful situation. I watched a mother and her children literally proclaim the love and faithfulness of God as they scooped up the body of their father who had just been shot and put him into their car. I watched the story of a man who baptized the three men who raped and beat his wife close to death. I heard a missionary speak of how he prayed and baptized the leader of an extremist group who tried to kill him and the missionaries with him. I saw grace and forgiveness lived out on a scale that I cannot even imagine. I saw a group of people so convinced of God's love for them and God's trustworthiness that they were willing to give everything, and not only to give everything, but to do it without doubt, question, anger, and with JOY.
Philippians 1: 21 "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." Paul said this as he sat in prison. I have never truly understood this verse. Then I saw this verse lived out. I heard a man who was about to die say this verse. He meant every word. He understood that to live for Christ is great, but to die for Christ and to be with God in Heaven is even better, especially when over 200 people come to know the Lord at your funeral, as the people in Columbia did at this man's funeral.
Love Costs Everything. Being a Christians has a steep cost for most of the people in this world. What does it cost those of us here in America? We allow our religious freedom to lull us into a lazy stupor. We take for granted that there is a church on every corner and we choose to sleep in on Sunday mornings. We neglect to read daily the word of God, when there are 12 Bible's in our homes. We don't share the love of Christ with others, even though most likely we won't be taking a bullet for it, but maybe only risking a roll of someone's eyes. Our religious freedom in the United States has caused us to take God for granted. Love Costs Everything. What is it costing me? It should cost me something. What value is there in something that costs nothing? If we are given something for free and lose it, it doesn't bother us, but if we spend our hard earned money on something and lose it, then we are upset. Living as a believer should cost you something. It cost Jesus His life! He gave his everything because He loved us. What are you giving?
It should cost us our finances, our time, our comfort, our devotion, our life plans, our everything belongs to Christ. I was wrecked by my laziness, apathy, pitiful complaints of how "hard" life is. I repented with weeping after watching true faith played out on the video screens. I will not allow the freedom we have here to lull me into going through the motions of faith, and not giving everything. I am so thankful to worship a God who deserves everything. I am overwhelmed by a love that cost him everything. I want to give Him my everything. I am broken for the Christians of this world who are murdered and beaten daily just because of what they believe. I am ashamed that I had no idea what most of them were going through. I am sad to say that until this past week I thought little of the Christians outside of my world, and prayed even less. I am committed to praying with a larger world view now. I don't want to forget what others are sacrificing for their faith.
Join me. Pray for those in Iraq, India, Columbia, North Korea, and all over who are giving their everything to see people come to know Christ. Don't allow our religious freedom to really put us in the prison of laziness and apathy. Open your Bible daily, consume the word the way these people do, like it might be your last chance. Go to church and become a part of the body who serves, like these people do, because their life literally depends on it. Trust God and love God with all that you are, the way these people do because you are convinced without a shadow of a doubt that HE IS WORTHY.
May love cost us everything.
http://2011.ciy.com/move/lovecostseverything
Monday, May 9, 2011
shift in focus
I made it. I woke up yesterday morning with the same sense of dread I had been anticipating all week. I felt a little sick to my stomach, and all I wanted to do was stay in my PJ's, drink lots of coffee, and run away in to a novel that had absolutely nothing to do with reality. The good news is that God was not allowing that option. I was committed to bring donuts and do the "youth hang out" on Sunday morning before church. I climbed in the shower and breathed out one simple prayer "Lord, I am broken today. Please help me." One foot in front of the other I got dressed and made it to church. I smiled, said the words that were stuck in my throat "happy mothers day", and stood up to get ready to worship.
Singing praises to God was like a cool salve on aching wounds and slowly my focus shifted from my pain to my savior. I sang these words "There is nothing Lord, that I want more, than to follow you." God in a very loving fatherly way whispered back "are you sure?" I woke up wanting nothing more than to be a mother on mothers day. I wasn't being beaten up or chastised by the Lord, I was being gently reminded that I needed to shift my focus. I began to sing that line like I wanted it and to quietly pray that God would build in me a desire for him that far out weighed my desire to be a mom.
Next song I sang out "beautiful Jesus, beautiful savior, nothing is greater, brilliant creator, friend of mine." Again God softly whispered back, do you really believe that nothing is greater than me? I woke up thinking nothing would be greater than being a mom. Immediately a senses of brokenness and repentance flooded through me. I began to sing that song like I believed it. I prayed that God would show me nothing is greater than Him. I didn't need to be a mom this mothers day. I needed to remember that there is nothing that I want more than to know my God who is greater than anything here on this Earth.
I was already beginning to settle into the love, comfort, and peace God was providing on this difficult day. Then pastor Matt stood up on stage and knocked me over with a need so great it made me feel physically ill. He said approx 996,000 people in Charlotte need the Lord, basically 83% of the people where I live are in need of salvation. Out of the 106,000 evangelical churches 100,000 of them did not see even 1 person come to know Christ last year. Not even one. And to top things off 98% of Christians have never shared their faith.
O Lord, we are in desperate need to share the secret to fulfillment in you. I know the way to a life that means more than just living day to day on this Earth and I must share it. I have the key to eternal life and so many die every day and go to Hell. Lord, forgive me for focusing on myself. Forgive me for waking up and the first person I feel for and think about is me. Help me Jesus because I need to shift my focus. There is so much work to be done for the kingdom and the focused workers are few. That wasn't really what I expected mothers day to be like. I am so thankful for a God that decided to meet me right where I was yesterday. He reached down and pulled me out of the slimy pit of self pity and set me on the rock of salvation and urged me forward to serve Him.
As church was ending I had a renewed focus and a renewed sense of purpose that God had lovingly placed in my aching heart. I was about to leave when one of the women from church came up and wrapped her arms around me. She said she had a gift for me. While sitting behind me at church God had spoken a word to her. He wanted her to tell me that he does hear my prayers. God had a word just for me. God had a plan for my Mother's Day.
Singing praises to God was like a cool salve on aching wounds and slowly my focus shifted from my pain to my savior. I sang these words "There is nothing Lord, that I want more, than to follow you." God in a very loving fatherly way whispered back "are you sure?" I woke up wanting nothing more than to be a mother on mothers day. I wasn't being beaten up or chastised by the Lord, I was being gently reminded that I needed to shift my focus. I began to sing that line like I wanted it and to quietly pray that God would build in me a desire for him that far out weighed my desire to be a mom.
Next song I sang out "beautiful Jesus, beautiful savior, nothing is greater, brilliant creator, friend of mine." Again God softly whispered back, do you really believe that nothing is greater than me? I woke up thinking nothing would be greater than being a mom. Immediately a senses of brokenness and repentance flooded through me. I began to sing that song like I believed it. I prayed that God would show me nothing is greater than Him. I didn't need to be a mom this mothers day. I needed to remember that there is nothing that I want more than to know my God who is greater than anything here on this Earth.
I was already beginning to settle into the love, comfort, and peace God was providing on this difficult day. Then pastor Matt stood up on stage and knocked me over with a need so great it made me feel physically ill. He said approx 996,000 people in Charlotte need the Lord, basically 83% of the people where I live are in need of salvation. Out of the 106,000 evangelical churches 100,000 of them did not see even 1 person come to know Christ last year. Not even one. And to top things off 98% of Christians have never shared their faith.
O Lord, we are in desperate need to share the secret to fulfillment in you. I know the way to a life that means more than just living day to day on this Earth and I must share it. I have the key to eternal life and so many die every day and go to Hell. Lord, forgive me for focusing on myself. Forgive me for waking up and the first person I feel for and think about is me. Help me Jesus because I need to shift my focus. There is so much work to be done for the kingdom and the focused workers are few. That wasn't really what I expected mothers day to be like. I am so thankful for a God that decided to meet me right where I was yesterday. He reached down and pulled me out of the slimy pit of self pity and set me on the rock of salvation and urged me forward to serve Him.
As church was ending I had a renewed focus and a renewed sense of purpose that God had lovingly placed in my aching heart. I was about to leave when one of the women from church came up and wrapped her arms around me. She said she had a gift for me. While sitting behind me at church God had spoken a word to her. He wanted her to tell me that he does hear my prayers. God had a word just for me. God had a plan for my Mother's Day.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
God loves ugly
There is no place in the world that I feel more inadequate than at work. I attempt to pray, memorize scripture, listen to sermons and praise music, and put as much "holy armor" on as possible on my way to work. My car is a place where I ready myself for the spiritual battle that inevitably will take place once I walk through the doors. For about the last year I walk through those doors, the wind hits me, and immediately every piece of armor I have so carefully put into place is blown away in seconds. I am left standing there exposed, and what is underneath is not always pretty. In fact it is sometimes hideous.
God has increasingly used this place to point out my glaring short falls and ugly imperfections. That is probably why at times I dislike going so much. And Satan has used this place to gain a foothold in my life. My "fake it till you make it" philosophy has slowly began to crack under pressure and that perfect image that I tried so hard to craft has fallen away to reveal in all of my humility that I am an imperfect mess who is only functional by the saving grace of Jesus. The words of my mouth reveal the state of my heart, and lets just say it isn't always positive or even beneficial to those who listen. I used to feel like God used infertility as his main tool to sharpen and mold me, and now I am quite sure my career as a nurse has become his new tool of refinement. I am in such need of it.
I face down one of my greatest desires each time I enter into those doors. I help others become mothers night after night and the ugly demons of anger, resentment, doubt, and pride (I deserve to be a mom more than she does) show up regularly. I constantly have to face my increasing doubt that God will in fact provide this sweet gift to me one day as well, and that His plan for me is perfect. Satan takes every advantage with each delivery to make me doubt this. I forget to do things and make mistakes- I am not a perfect person and the work load is so much to bear. I have a hard time accepting that I am not perfect and I cannot help but be consumed with trying to be at work- there is no escaping it. I have difficulty sharing Jesus with my coworkers and often times settle with longing to be accepted over doing what is right. I allow myself to wallow in negativity and my tongue to say things it should not. I allow Satan to use these struggles to convince me that I am a failure, and that I will never be good enough. Confronting the truth this week was not easy.
I started reading a book given to me by a friend called "God loves ugly", and my need to hear this couldn't have been more prevalent than this week. My failures and short comings sometimes overwhelm me to the point that I feel I cannot stand up under them. God loves ugly. God loves my broken, sinful, messed up self enough to use my job, infertility, and so many other things to refine me into something beautiful. The fact is he even uses the ugly for his beautiful glory. He loves me just as I am, but loves me too much to leave me that way. God is becoming more and I am becoming less. If I didn't have things in my life to remind me that I could not do it without God, I would most definitely be tempted to live my life without Him. I am so thankful for my inability to fake it any more. It is good for my soul to be faced with my impossibilities because God's love for me has never been so real and so needed. I long to want God more each day. I long to be beautiful because of Him, not to try to be beautiful for my own glory. If I didn't have things that regularly reminded me of just how inadequate my feeble attempts are then I would live life relying on myself. What good is that life?
When you lay the ugly in the light and allow God to see it and heal it you begin a journey to becoming amazingly covered by the beautiful blood of Christ. You then become consumed with people seeing the beautiful Jesus in you, not the fake perfection you put up. God loves ugly. God takes ugly and makes it truly beautiful in His time.
Ecclesiastes 3:11 (New International Version, ©2011)
" He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. "
God has increasingly used this place to point out my glaring short falls and ugly imperfections. That is probably why at times I dislike going so much. And Satan has used this place to gain a foothold in my life. My "fake it till you make it" philosophy has slowly began to crack under pressure and that perfect image that I tried so hard to craft has fallen away to reveal in all of my humility that I am an imperfect mess who is only functional by the saving grace of Jesus. The words of my mouth reveal the state of my heart, and lets just say it isn't always positive or even beneficial to those who listen. I used to feel like God used infertility as his main tool to sharpen and mold me, and now I am quite sure my career as a nurse has become his new tool of refinement. I am in such need of it.
I face down one of my greatest desires each time I enter into those doors. I help others become mothers night after night and the ugly demons of anger, resentment, doubt, and pride (I deserve to be a mom more than she does) show up regularly. I constantly have to face my increasing doubt that God will in fact provide this sweet gift to me one day as well, and that His plan for me is perfect. Satan takes every advantage with each delivery to make me doubt this. I forget to do things and make mistakes- I am not a perfect person and the work load is so much to bear. I have a hard time accepting that I am not perfect and I cannot help but be consumed with trying to be at work- there is no escaping it. I have difficulty sharing Jesus with my coworkers and often times settle with longing to be accepted over doing what is right. I allow myself to wallow in negativity and my tongue to say things it should not. I allow Satan to use these struggles to convince me that I am a failure, and that I will never be good enough. Confronting the truth this week was not easy.
I started reading a book given to me by a friend called "God loves ugly", and my need to hear this couldn't have been more prevalent than this week. My failures and short comings sometimes overwhelm me to the point that I feel I cannot stand up under them. God loves ugly. God loves my broken, sinful, messed up self enough to use my job, infertility, and so many other things to refine me into something beautiful. The fact is he even uses the ugly for his beautiful glory. He loves me just as I am, but loves me too much to leave me that way. God is becoming more and I am becoming less. If I didn't have things in my life to remind me that I could not do it without God, I would most definitely be tempted to live my life without Him. I am so thankful for my inability to fake it any more. It is good for my soul to be faced with my impossibilities because God's love for me has never been so real and so needed. I long to want God more each day. I long to be beautiful because of Him, not to try to be beautiful for my own glory. If I didn't have things that regularly reminded me of just how inadequate my feeble attempts are then I would live life relying on myself. What good is that life?
When you lay the ugly in the light and allow God to see it and heal it you begin a journey to becoming amazingly covered by the beautiful blood of Christ. You then become consumed with people seeing the beautiful Jesus in you, not the fake perfection you put up. God loves ugly. God takes ugly and makes it truly beautiful in His time.
Ecclesiastes 3:11 (New International Version, ©2011)
" He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. "
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
The best place to be
I was talking to someone dear to me yesterday, and after reading my last blog they were worried about me. They called to see if I was "okay". They felt like I was in a bad place. To be honest, I wasn't sure what to say. Their fear for me took me by surprise. They were worried that my state of mind and emotions were in a dark place.
I began to wonder if my readers are receiving the wrong message. I know in my last blog I admitted to being a "pit dweller", but I feel the need to clarify a few things just in case my readers believe the same thing as this other person in my life. Having been through many trials, or as I referred to them in my last blog "pits", I am in the best place I could be, right in the middle of God's plan for my life. I have never been stretched so much, held so tight, or ever more convinced of God's love for me than I am right now. I wouldn't trade a single tear, weak moment, or painful thought for the glory that God is receiving through my pain.
I have moved from a place of faith built on sand, that was blown away easily when the slightest wind came, to a faith built on rock that can withstand the worse storm. If God calls me in and out of trials for the rest of my life I will willingly follow because God's plan for me is the best plan for me. He loves me with a love that I have only found by walking through the depths of dark valley's. I was reading in Romans 8 this morning and I felt as if I could have written this passage myself. I don't usually include a huge chunk of scripture, but please read the entire thing. It is worth it:
Romans 8:31-39 (New Living Translation)
Nothing Can Separate Us from God’s Love
31 What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? 32 Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? 33 Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. 34 Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.
35 Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? 36 (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”) 37 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.
38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.
If God is for me, then no one, or no thing can stand against me and win. I am a victor in this life because of Christ. God did not even spare His most precious gift for me, His son. He hung him on a cross for my sin. I no longer have the right to doubt if God will provide the most insignificant gifts in my life. God is the most loving, lavishing, gift giving father. Nothing can separate me from the love of God: not infertility, not painful waiting, not financial worry, not job frustrations, NOTHING!
But the most important point of this piece of scripture and in my life is that now I am convinced. Before the pits, trials, and tribulations, I was not convinced of God's love for me. I allowed the fears for today and the worries about tomorrow to make me doubt his love. No longer is that the case.
So, yes I do have bad days where emotionally I am torn, hurting, sad, mad, fill in the blank, but spiritually I remain convinced of God's love for me. Because of that I can face life in victory no matter how bad my day has been.
I pray that sharing with you my emotional struggles has not deceived you into thinking that I am not in a good place. If you, like this other dear person, worry about my well being- please do not. I am an over comer and I am a victor because the ultimate victory has already been won, Jesus rose from the dead, and one day I will spend eternity with Him! That is a life and a promise worth celebrating. I could not be more thankful for where I am in life. I could not be more convinced of God's love for me. I am in the best place to be, wrapped in the loving arms of an amazing Father who I cannot be separated from!
I began to wonder if my readers are receiving the wrong message. I know in my last blog I admitted to being a "pit dweller", but I feel the need to clarify a few things just in case my readers believe the same thing as this other person in my life. Having been through many trials, or as I referred to them in my last blog "pits", I am in the best place I could be, right in the middle of God's plan for my life. I have never been stretched so much, held so tight, or ever more convinced of God's love for me than I am right now. I wouldn't trade a single tear, weak moment, or painful thought for the glory that God is receiving through my pain.
I have moved from a place of faith built on sand, that was blown away easily when the slightest wind came, to a faith built on rock that can withstand the worse storm. If God calls me in and out of trials for the rest of my life I will willingly follow because God's plan for me is the best plan for me. He loves me with a love that I have only found by walking through the depths of dark valley's. I was reading in Romans 8 this morning and I felt as if I could have written this passage myself. I don't usually include a huge chunk of scripture, but please read the entire thing. It is worth it:
Romans 8:31-39 (New Living Translation)
Nothing Can Separate Us from God’s Love
31 What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? 32 Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? 33 Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. 34 Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.
35 Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? 36 (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”) 37 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.
38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.
If God is for me, then no one, or no thing can stand against me and win. I am a victor in this life because of Christ. God did not even spare His most precious gift for me, His son. He hung him on a cross for my sin. I no longer have the right to doubt if God will provide the most insignificant gifts in my life. God is the most loving, lavishing, gift giving father. Nothing can separate me from the love of God: not infertility, not painful waiting, not financial worry, not job frustrations, NOTHING!
But the most important point of this piece of scripture and in my life is that now I am convinced. Before the pits, trials, and tribulations, I was not convinced of God's love for me. I allowed the fears for today and the worries about tomorrow to make me doubt his love. No longer is that the case.
So, yes I do have bad days where emotionally I am torn, hurting, sad, mad, fill in the blank, but spiritually I remain convinced of God's love for me. Because of that I can face life in victory no matter how bad my day has been.
I pray that sharing with you my emotional struggles has not deceived you into thinking that I am not in a good place. If you, like this other dear person, worry about my well being- please do not. I am an over comer and I am a victor because the ultimate victory has already been won, Jesus rose from the dead, and one day I will spend eternity with Him! That is a life and a promise worth celebrating. I could not be more thankful for where I am in life. I could not be more convinced of God's love for me. I am in the best place to be, wrapped in the loving arms of an amazing Father who I cannot be separated from!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Pit Dwelling
Have you ever watched small children play make believe? They are so intensely involved in their pretend life that they act and believe that they are the character that they imagine. It is sweet when you are three years old, but it loses it's luster when you are pretending to be someone you're not as an adult.
I sit smiling in a room full of friends speaking about their children, and I add bits of knowledge from my nursing experience, and from what people have told me, and I pretend that it doesn't rip me apart on the inside that I cannot truly participate in the conversation from a mothers perspective. I tell a stranger, no we don't have kids yet, we are waiting for my husband to finish his masters- smile big and walk away. I smile and sweetly say hello to people at work, when I have unforgiveness in my heart for the way myself and others I work with have been treated. I work out, eat healthy, put on my prettiest outfit, slap on some lip gloss, and a smile, and go trotting out into the world like I have it all together when on the inside I am a broken mess who has spent most of her last 5 years dwelling in a pit of mud and mire.
Recently I was called out about my pretending. Someone close to me got close enough to look through my imaginary persona and see where I really was. She pointed out that I have become really good at pretending that I am okay. She is right, and I even took a small amount of pride in the fact that I can easily fool people into my make believe. But, when God got me alone after that conversation, it wasn't an easy pill to swallow.
I am reading a book by Beth Moore called "Get out of That Pit", and ironically I started this book the day before I had the above mentioned conversation. The true reality of where I am is that I have been in and out of pits for the past 5 years. There are days when the smiling, joyful girl you run into is truly where I am, but on most days you can find me at the bottom of a muddy pit desperately trying to dig my way out. There are three ways to get into a pit, to be thrown in by tragedy or difficulty in life, to slip in- inadvertently allow yourself to get too close to sin, or to jump in by blatantly sinning. There are many ways into a pit, but for me I have been thrown in and slipped in.
Beth Moore says " A pit is when you feel stuck. Isaiah 42:22 says that a pit is a place where you feel trapped. You tend to feel your only options are to kick and scream, hoping your flailing can help you escape, or submit."
" One way you can know you're in a pit is that you feel ineffective and utterly powerless against the attack of the enemy. You can't stand up to assaults, trials, or temptations because your feet are in the mud and the mire."
" The close confinement of a pit exhausts us with the endless echo of self- absorption. Visibility extends no further than six inches from our noses. We can't see out, so we turn our sights in."
"We can be young and yet feel old. Heavy laden. Burdened. In a pit where vision is lost and dreams are foolishness."
I read these words and watched as they called out every emotion that I have experienced: heavy, burdened, old, feeling stuck, kicking and screaming to get out, feeling powerless against the enemy, being self absorbed in the pain of my pit and not being able to see past the end of my own nose. I truly believe as Christians we will find ourselves often falling into the pits of life. It gives me comfort that one of the Godliest women I have ever heard of, Beth Moore, considers herself a pit dweller.
The relief is that God did not intend for us to stay in the pit. " All image- bearers of God were intended to overflow with effervescent life, stirring and spilling with God- given vision. That's what you miss in the pit."
When I allow myself to dwell in the pit of hurt that life has handed me I miss the vision and plan that God has given me, to live a life full of purpose and serve him in the Light. " Satan knows that deep in our hearts we're so fragile and injured by life that his faintest whisper will talk us into feeling guilty even when we're not." I often beat myself up for my faults, for falling short of perfection, I allow Satan to convince me that I should be strong enough to get myself out of the pit, and when inevitably I see that I am not, I am mad at myself for not being strong enough.
The truth that sets me free is that I don't have to stay in the pit because I serve a God who is strong enough to pull me out. I serve a God that takes a pit that Satan has placed strategically in front of me and uses it for His good and His glory. Genesis 50:20 " You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." God intends to give me a hope and a future. He is using the pits of my life for good and to accomplish what is being done now in my life. He is working to give me the effervescent life . God is using the story of my pits to reach others dwelling in the pit with me. And, God willing to save many lives.
I sit smiling in a room full of friends speaking about their children, and I add bits of knowledge from my nursing experience, and from what people have told me, and I pretend that it doesn't rip me apart on the inside that I cannot truly participate in the conversation from a mothers perspective. I tell a stranger, no we don't have kids yet, we are waiting for my husband to finish his masters- smile big and walk away. I smile and sweetly say hello to people at work, when I have unforgiveness in my heart for the way myself and others I work with have been treated. I work out, eat healthy, put on my prettiest outfit, slap on some lip gloss, and a smile, and go trotting out into the world like I have it all together when on the inside I am a broken mess who has spent most of her last 5 years dwelling in a pit of mud and mire.
Recently I was called out about my pretending. Someone close to me got close enough to look through my imaginary persona and see where I really was. She pointed out that I have become really good at pretending that I am okay. She is right, and I even took a small amount of pride in the fact that I can easily fool people into my make believe. But, when God got me alone after that conversation, it wasn't an easy pill to swallow.
I am reading a book by Beth Moore called "Get out of That Pit", and ironically I started this book the day before I had the above mentioned conversation. The true reality of where I am is that I have been in and out of pits for the past 5 years. There are days when the smiling, joyful girl you run into is truly where I am, but on most days you can find me at the bottom of a muddy pit desperately trying to dig my way out. There are three ways to get into a pit, to be thrown in by tragedy or difficulty in life, to slip in- inadvertently allow yourself to get too close to sin, or to jump in by blatantly sinning. There are many ways into a pit, but for me I have been thrown in and slipped in.
Beth Moore says " A pit is when you feel stuck. Isaiah 42:22 says that a pit is a place where you feel trapped. You tend to feel your only options are to kick and scream, hoping your flailing can help you escape, or submit."
" One way you can know you're in a pit is that you feel ineffective and utterly powerless against the attack of the enemy. You can't stand up to assaults, trials, or temptations because your feet are in the mud and the mire."
" The close confinement of a pit exhausts us with the endless echo of self- absorption. Visibility extends no further than six inches from our noses. We can't see out, so we turn our sights in."
"We can be young and yet feel old. Heavy laden. Burdened. In a pit where vision is lost and dreams are foolishness."
I read these words and watched as they called out every emotion that I have experienced: heavy, burdened, old, feeling stuck, kicking and screaming to get out, feeling powerless against the enemy, being self absorbed in the pain of my pit and not being able to see past the end of my own nose. I truly believe as Christians we will find ourselves often falling into the pits of life. It gives me comfort that one of the Godliest women I have ever heard of, Beth Moore, considers herself a pit dweller.
The relief is that God did not intend for us to stay in the pit. " All image- bearers of God were intended to overflow with effervescent life, stirring and spilling with God- given vision. That's what you miss in the pit."
When I allow myself to dwell in the pit of hurt that life has handed me I miss the vision and plan that God has given me, to live a life full of purpose and serve him in the Light. " Satan knows that deep in our hearts we're so fragile and injured by life that his faintest whisper will talk us into feeling guilty even when we're not." I often beat myself up for my faults, for falling short of perfection, I allow Satan to convince me that I should be strong enough to get myself out of the pit, and when inevitably I see that I am not, I am mad at myself for not being strong enough.
The truth that sets me free is that I don't have to stay in the pit because I serve a God who is strong enough to pull me out. I serve a God that takes a pit that Satan has placed strategically in front of me and uses it for His good and His glory. Genesis 50:20 " You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." God intends to give me a hope and a future. He is using the pits of my life for good and to accomplish what is being done now in my life. He is working to give me the effervescent life . God is using the story of my pits to reach others dwelling in the pit with me. And, God willing to save many lives.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Living Water
The front of the stage was lined with leaders ready to accept any young man or woman that needed prayer or encouragement. I was standing at the front with my partner in ministry (Dave) praying that God would break the chains of bondage in these young people's lives. I lifted my arms in worship and prayed that the grace of God would fall and as I did I was enveloped in the arms of a young woman who needed freedom. I wrapped my arms around her and prayed that she would know how much she matters to God and that she could lay the guilt and shame of sin at the foot of the cross and receive the freedom and light that salvation brings. I held her and cried as relief washed over us. Then one after another I laid hands on these precious young women and prayed. I watched so many teenagers lay down sin, guilt, shame, the stuff that doesn't fill that void, and come to the cross. I found myself wondering, how am I allowed to be a part of this? Why do I get to experience this Lord? What a privilege to be in such an intimate part of someones life.
The weekend was called the Oasis. God is living water. The world is a desert. We live in a dry deserted land with no rest and a constant thirst for more. There are plenty of mirages, things that promise rest, good feelings, salvation, and many of us drink deeply of these things only to be left damaged and more burdened than when we first started. The only true Oasis is the living water of God. Salvation in the blood of the cross. The power that is found in the name of Jesus. I have been gulping up the water of Christ and continue to find freedom from the heavy burden of sin and this world. What I wasn't prepared for was how moving it would be to watch these young people rip off the chains of sin and the dissapointment of the mirages and run to the well. They drank deeply of the living water and it was intoxicating.
Parents that do not love, drugs that lose their high, relationships that hurt and do not heal, situations that no young person should face attack these young people on every front. The accuser, satan, has painted a huge target on our children and youth and the only thing that can save them is the water of life. A life found in the freedom that salvation brings. Young people who previously thought that they mattered so little that they tried to end their own lives coming to the realization that they matter to a mighty and holy God who has great things planned for them.
This weekend I watched God claim these young people for His kindom. God is doing amazing things in this next generation. He is raising up leaders who will lead others to the well to drink. I was reminded over and over again that God's water quenches all desires and washes me clean. It is refreshing and light. It is freeing. God is alive and active and in the business of changing lives. I am so encouraged. I was able to first hand taste and see that the Lord is good. Have you drank deeply of the living water?
John 4:11, 13-15
“Sir,” the woman said, “you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water? "
"Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water so that I won’t get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water.”
The weekend was called the Oasis. God is living water. The world is a desert. We live in a dry deserted land with no rest and a constant thirst for more. There are plenty of mirages, things that promise rest, good feelings, salvation, and many of us drink deeply of these things only to be left damaged and more burdened than when we first started. The only true Oasis is the living water of God. Salvation in the blood of the cross. The power that is found in the name of Jesus. I have been gulping up the water of Christ and continue to find freedom from the heavy burden of sin and this world. What I wasn't prepared for was how moving it would be to watch these young people rip off the chains of sin and the dissapointment of the mirages and run to the well. They drank deeply of the living water and it was intoxicating.
Parents that do not love, drugs that lose their high, relationships that hurt and do not heal, situations that no young person should face attack these young people on every front. The accuser, satan, has painted a huge target on our children and youth and the only thing that can save them is the water of life. A life found in the freedom that salvation brings. Young people who previously thought that they mattered so little that they tried to end their own lives coming to the realization that they matter to a mighty and holy God who has great things planned for them.
This weekend I watched God claim these young people for His kindom. God is doing amazing things in this next generation. He is raising up leaders who will lead others to the well to drink. I was reminded over and over again that God's water quenches all desires and washes me clean. It is refreshing and light. It is freeing. God is alive and active and in the business of changing lives. I am so encouraged. I was able to first hand taste and see that the Lord is good. Have you drank deeply of the living water?
John 4:11, 13-15
“Sir,” the woman said, “you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water? "
"Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water so that I won’t get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water.”
Friday, February 25, 2011
Pay Off
"People only act where there is a perceived pay off."
It still amazes me how creative God is willing to be in order to get through to me. We recently got together with a group of friends to enjoy a meal and catch up. That dinner get together turned into a wisdom filled time of sharing what God was teaching us. One topic that came up was the frustration that comes with trying to encourage the youth in our youth groups to walk with the Lord, seriously full out give themselves to Christ. One of our friends spoke up and said something to the effect that our students will not invest themselves in something that they don't think will benefit them. It is pretty profound when you think about it. If whatever you are faced with doesn't seem to have infinite value that will benefit you, you will probably not take time to invest in it.
That idea started to settle in and I started to marinate over the things in my life that have a perceived pay off. We exercise because in the end we believe that it makes our body's healthier, if working out did nothing to improve our appearance and health very few of us would do it. There are many that aren't convinced of the benefit of working out and because the pay off isn't always immediate they choose not to invest themselves in staying healthy. How about friendships? We pour into friendships that provide us with a sense of love and well being. Usually, our closest friends are those that are equally devoted to us. We benefit from the friendship, so it is easier to invest in it. Such a small concept, yet such far reaching impact.
But lets be real, there are some other things I invest a lot of energy and effort into. Take worry and anxiety. About a week after this dinner get together I asked our friend who inspired this blog to send me the quote listed above, and with that he included this thought "for people who are persistently anxious what is the payoff"? I was stunned. My anxiety had reached crippling proportions over the last few months. He had no idea that literally just the day before I had been begging God in my personal prayer time to help me address the anxiety in my life. I have invested so much time in worry and anxiety that it affects my sleep, my health, my thoughts, everything. God used this friend to speak directly to me- Crystal, what is the payoff of being anxious? I had to truly sink deep into that question, to expose the thought to the light, and allow God to bring the answer out of the darkness of my sin. I choose anxiety because it makes me feel in control. The payoff is a sense of stability and control that I continuously fight for.
The sickening truth is that being anxious actually controls me. It is a deception that choosing anxiety somehow benefits me. It is a lie from Satan, that with the help of a friend has been exposed. But this thought has not only addressed anxiety in my life it has begun to expose the motive of everything I do. Why do I choose to talk with friends about a problem instead of going to the Lord? Because deep down I am convinced that the encouraging words of a friend and warmth of a hug will comfort me more than being in the presence of my Heavenly Father. I am convinced that there will be more wisdom and help found in the human relationship than in the Heavenly one. Why do I avoid reading scripture daily, but can read "Christian" books faithfully? I am obviously convinced that these books are better for me, that the teaching in these books is more life changing than the word of God, that the payoff is bigger.
How you invest your heart, time, and energy reveals where you think the pay off lies. If I was truly convinced that God was everything I needed my investments would reflect my sold out belief in the ultimate pay off of having an amazing relationship with God. This concept has truly motivated me to beg God to change the deceptions I believe, and to continue to ask in honest prayer that God continue to grow in me a love for him. Christ dieing on the cross allows me to have a relationship with a perfect and holy God- God thought that saving me was worth more than saving his own son. A relationship with me was the pay off for God. Now that is a truly humbling thought.
Matthew 6:21 " Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will be also."
It still amazes me how creative God is willing to be in order to get through to me. We recently got together with a group of friends to enjoy a meal and catch up. That dinner get together turned into a wisdom filled time of sharing what God was teaching us. One topic that came up was the frustration that comes with trying to encourage the youth in our youth groups to walk with the Lord, seriously full out give themselves to Christ. One of our friends spoke up and said something to the effect that our students will not invest themselves in something that they don't think will benefit them. It is pretty profound when you think about it. If whatever you are faced with doesn't seem to have infinite value that will benefit you, you will probably not take time to invest in it.
That idea started to settle in and I started to marinate over the things in my life that have a perceived pay off. We exercise because in the end we believe that it makes our body's healthier, if working out did nothing to improve our appearance and health very few of us would do it. There are many that aren't convinced of the benefit of working out and because the pay off isn't always immediate they choose not to invest themselves in staying healthy. How about friendships? We pour into friendships that provide us with a sense of love and well being. Usually, our closest friends are those that are equally devoted to us. We benefit from the friendship, so it is easier to invest in it. Such a small concept, yet such far reaching impact.
But lets be real, there are some other things I invest a lot of energy and effort into. Take worry and anxiety. About a week after this dinner get together I asked our friend who inspired this blog to send me the quote listed above, and with that he included this thought "for people who are persistently anxious what is the payoff"? I was stunned. My anxiety had reached crippling proportions over the last few months. He had no idea that literally just the day before I had been begging God in my personal prayer time to help me address the anxiety in my life. I have invested so much time in worry and anxiety that it affects my sleep, my health, my thoughts, everything. God used this friend to speak directly to me- Crystal, what is the payoff of being anxious? I had to truly sink deep into that question, to expose the thought to the light, and allow God to bring the answer out of the darkness of my sin. I choose anxiety because it makes me feel in control. The payoff is a sense of stability and control that I continuously fight for.
The sickening truth is that being anxious actually controls me. It is a deception that choosing anxiety somehow benefits me. It is a lie from Satan, that with the help of a friend has been exposed. But this thought has not only addressed anxiety in my life it has begun to expose the motive of everything I do. Why do I choose to talk with friends about a problem instead of going to the Lord? Because deep down I am convinced that the encouraging words of a friend and warmth of a hug will comfort me more than being in the presence of my Heavenly Father. I am convinced that there will be more wisdom and help found in the human relationship than in the Heavenly one. Why do I avoid reading scripture daily, but can read "Christian" books faithfully? I am obviously convinced that these books are better for me, that the teaching in these books is more life changing than the word of God, that the payoff is bigger.
How you invest your heart, time, and energy reveals where you think the pay off lies. If I was truly convinced that God was everything I needed my investments would reflect my sold out belief in the ultimate pay off of having an amazing relationship with God. This concept has truly motivated me to beg God to change the deceptions I believe, and to continue to ask in honest prayer that God continue to grow in me a love for him. Christ dieing on the cross allows me to have a relationship with a perfect and holy God- God thought that saving me was worth more than saving his own son. A relationship with me was the pay off for God. Now that is a truly humbling thought.
Matthew 6:21 " Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will be also."
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
exposed
This blog originally started out to be for updates about our adoption process, but has turned out to be my safe haven where I run to sit quietly and reflect on what God is teaching me, or vent about what I am going through. It is truly a gift for me. I say this because the following blog will probably not hit home with many of you. It is for me. It is simply because today was hard and I needed to do this.
The process of adoption has a way of stripping you down to the most vulnerable parts of yourself. The whole world is invited in to a decision that is private for most people. You are forced to share things like your personal finances and physical health with people who you barely know. They dig into your life, why you want to be parents, your ability to parent, at a depth that is uncomfortable at best. You make the decision to adopt and with it comes a world that unless you have done it before is so foreign. There is a language you don't know and a process that you are swept along in.
Then you begin to share the news with others. You find the strength to say "we are adopting" when people ask if you have kids. Then you hold your breath and wait for their response. If I am honest, there have been many times I have wanted to cry on the spot. People willingly, and most of the time uninvited, share their opinions freely. " Why would you want to do that? Don't you want your own kids? You must not be able to have your own children. I am so sorry. How much will your children cost? " Most of the time I simply nod, smile, collect the pieces and walk away. I share my brokenness with Dave and with people who love and support me. I realize that most things people say are not meant to hurt, but they leave me feeling raw and exposed.
Today I sat across from my social worker and poured my heart out. Waiting is so painful and with every successful adoption my agency notifies me about I am not so gently reminded that we were not picked. I asked if our profile had been shown, not really wanting to hear the answer. She sat across from me today and said we have shown your profile many times, but it hasn't been picked. We don't know why. We have to rely on the belief that it simply wasn't in God's timing.
The whisper of why don't people want us poured into my mind. It is such a personal thing for someone to look through the book of your life and then decide that they do not want you. I haven't had many times in my life that I have had to face rejection, but I can firmly say that this is by far the hardest to accept. It is putting everything you are out there for people and then being told that for whatever reason they do not want you.
Our social worker listened, encouraged, prayed, and was everything she was meant to be for me today, but she could not take away the pain of the rejections and the waiting that has no end at this point. I sat in my car after lunch and flipped on my ipod and turned to the song that has been the cry of my heart for the past few weeks. The soft words filled my car and I let myself get lost in them. "I'm running to your arms, I'm running to your arms. The riches of your love will always be enough. Nothing compares to your embrace. Light of the world forever reign. "
I took all of the pain and doubt and ran into the open arms of my savior. I could almost physically feel myself running from the reality of this world, and running with reckless abandon in to my father's arms. I threw my arms open and flung myself into his arms of comfort and love. I drank in his acceptance and love for me. To him I am enough, I am known from the inside out, and I am loved with a love that is beyond my ability to express. He chooses me, he loves me, and he knows me fully. His plan is hidden for now, but I believe that it is good. I swallowed up his acceptance, love, grace, and comfort. It is one of the first times that I have not allowed pain to separate me from God or to drive a wedge between me and faith in his good plan. It was tasting sweet in the midst of the bitter.
I am thankful for the newness of a hang-on-at-any-cost faith. It allowed me to experience the comfort of a God who is there in the midst of my circumstances to catch me as I run head long into his arms. I am resting in the shadow of his wings. I am so thankful to be fully known, exposed, before my God who loves me.
Deuteronomy 33:27 (New Living Translation)
" The eternal God is your refuge, and his everlasting arms are under you. He drives out the enemy before you; he cries out, ‘Destroy them!’"
The process of adoption has a way of stripping you down to the most vulnerable parts of yourself. The whole world is invited in to a decision that is private for most people. You are forced to share things like your personal finances and physical health with people who you barely know. They dig into your life, why you want to be parents, your ability to parent, at a depth that is uncomfortable at best. You make the decision to adopt and with it comes a world that unless you have done it before is so foreign. There is a language you don't know and a process that you are swept along in.
Then you begin to share the news with others. You find the strength to say "we are adopting" when people ask if you have kids. Then you hold your breath and wait for their response. If I am honest, there have been many times I have wanted to cry on the spot. People willingly, and most of the time uninvited, share their opinions freely. " Why would you want to do that? Don't you want your own kids? You must not be able to have your own children. I am so sorry. How much will your children cost? " Most of the time I simply nod, smile, collect the pieces and walk away. I share my brokenness with Dave and with people who love and support me. I realize that most things people say are not meant to hurt, but they leave me feeling raw and exposed.
Today I sat across from my social worker and poured my heart out. Waiting is so painful and with every successful adoption my agency notifies me about I am not so gently reminded that we were not picked. I asked if our profile had been shown, not really wanting to hear the answer. She sat across from me today and said we have shown your profile many times, but it hasn't been picked. We don't know why. We have to rely on the belief that it simply wasn't in God's timing.
The whisper of why don't people want us poured into my mind. It is such a personal thing for someone to look through the book of your life and then decide that they do not want you. I haven't had many times in my life that I have had to face rejection, but I can firmly say that this is by far the hardest to accept. It is putting everything you are out there for people and then being told that for whatever reason they do not want you.
Our social worker listened, encouraged, prayed, and was everything she was meant to be for me today, but she could not take away the pain of the rejections and the waiting that has no end at this point. I sat in my car after lunch and flipped on my ipod and turned to the song that has been the cry of my heart for the past few weeks. The soft words filled my car and I let myself get lost in them. "I'm running to your arms, I'm running to your arms. The riches of your love will always be enough. Nothing compares to your embrace. Light of the world forever reign. "
I took all of the pain and doubt and ran into the open arms of my savior. I could almost physically feel myself running from the reality of this world, and running with reckless abandon in to my father's arms. I threw my arms open and flung myself into his arms of comfort and love. I drank in his acceptance and love for me. To him I am enough, I am known from the inside out, and I am loved with a love that is beyond my ability to express. He chooses me, he loves me, and he knows me fully. His plan is hidden for now, but I believe that it is good. I swallowed up his acceptance, love, grace, and comfort. It is one of the first times that I have not allowed pain to separate me from God or to drive a wedge between me and faith in his good plan. It was tasting sweet in the midst of the bitter.
I am thankful for the newness of a hang-on-at-any-cost faith. It allowed me to experience the comfort of a God who is there in the midst of my circumstances to catch me as I run head long into his arms. I am resting in the shadow of his wings. I am so thankful to be fully known, exposed, before my God who loves me.
Deuteronomy 33:27 (New Living Translation)
" The eternal God is your refuge, and his everlasting arms are under you. He drives out the enemy before you; he cries out, ‘Destroy them!’"
Saturday, January 29, 2011
From milk to fruit
I cannot begin to put into words how different I feel. Meeting God as He truly is, is transforming. At the beginning of my journey through Disappointment with God I was hurting, bitter, angry, closed off, doubting, striving, struggling, and "shoulding" my way through my walk with God. By shoulding I mean my heart would say, I should feel this way about God, so I am going to make myself. I should believe in what this scripture says, so I am going to make myself. I should be acting this way, so I am going to make myself. Shoulding your way through life does not produce faith, take it from me. Job says, "Though he slay me, I will hope in Him." I can only assume that Job said this out of actual genuine faith. The faith that is not based on our circumstances. I have been saying something similar over the past few years, "Throw whatever you have at me God, but I will not give up", but it was felt and said as a challenge toward a God who I felt like was my opponent. A God who was pitted against me. How did I end up there?
I have been asking myself that question, but the truth has begun to settle deep within. I grew up in a home that taught me about God. I grew up among a growing thriving group of young Christians who helped to sharpen my faith. I learned to spend time with God in prayer and with scripture at a very young age. I have a prayer journal from 4th grade- it is hilarious to read. God blessed me with child like faith. It was so easy to believe. God made himself so real to me in my childhood.
I literally saw God answer my personal prayers in ways that today would stun me. Examples of a true loving God surrounded me in a blanket of safety and trust. I would pray for a friend and then watch as they accepted Christ. I would ask God for direction and at times His voice was so loud it was as if it was audible. I went to a foreign country and saw people healed. I was being fed the sweetest of pure spiritual milk from a God that was lovingly teaching me to trust him with Child like faith. Philip Yancey says " The problem is that child like trust may not survive when the miracle does not come, when the urgent prayer gets no answer, when the fog of life does not allow any signs of God's concern. Such times call for something more, for the hang-on-at-any-cost faith."
I learned when the first wave of fog hit that I did not posses the hang-on-at-any-cost faith. Reading the Bible as a child I often times read the stories with rose colored glasses on. To me, the stories were about people who heard from God, had faith to do what he asked, and God rewarded their faith with good things. Looking back at those same stories there is a much deeper reality.
This next section is from the book, paraphrased by me. (don't want to take credit for thoughts that are not my own). " Many follow this formula tragedy- darkness- triumph. Abraham was promised to be the father of all nations and he waited nearly a century, to have one son, who he was then asked to kill, although he did become the father of all nations. Joseph was given a dream by God, but landed at the bottom of a well, then in an Egyptian dungeon, before finding triumph. Moses was hand picked to deliver the Israelites, and ended up wandering around in the desert for forty years hunted by Pharaoh's army. David was anointed to be King and spent the next decade dodging attempts on his life, and sleeping in caves. They all received a clear message followed by a long, silent gap. But, they all ended up in Hebrews 11 (the hall of faith), and the Bible says "The world was not worthy of them". "
What I missed as a child is that in the silent gap is where faith was found. " Where there is no opportunity for doubt, there is no longer any opportunity for faith either. Faith demands uncertainty."
So it is that God has blessed my life with uncertainty, trial, silence, and grief. That is a crazy statement I know, but if it hadn't been for the tragedy and darkness I would still be craving milk from God instead of having the mature faith, the hang-on-at-any-cost faith. That kind of faith is what is pleasing to God. That is what God desires of us, and what is best for us. That is why we can believe that "all things work together for our good." In the long silent gaps of pain God is taking us from children to adults, from milk to the fruit of the spirit. It is not a fun or easy process, but I am finding that it is priceless. It has changed me. It has changed the way that I read the Bible, relate to God, relate to people.
Jesus. That is who it always comes back to. He hung from a cross, a time of intense tragedy and darkness where He cried out to God "why have you forsaken me?". Jesus was acquainted with grief and God's silence. But at the end of that was the ultimate triumph. Easter Sunday- Jesus rose from the dead and is alive! " The evils and suffering that afflict our lives are so real and so significant to God that he willed to share them and endure them himself." I have never been more convinced of the realness of God, and His love for me, not even when I was a child.
It is hard to grow up, but I would not change the fruit of the spirit that is growing in my life now for the spiritual milk of my childhood.
Hebrews 5:12-14 (New Living Translation)
"You have been believers so long now that you ought to be teaching others. Instead, you need someone to teach you again the basic things about God’s word. You are like babies who need milk and cannot eat solid food. For someone who lives on milk is still an infant and doesn’t know how to do what is right. Solid food is for those who are mature, who through training have the skill to recognize the difference between right and wrong."
I have been asking myself that question, but the truth has begun to settle deep within. I grew up in a home that taught me about God. I grew up among a growing thriving group of young Christians who helped to sharpen my faith. I learned to spend time with God in prayer and with scripture at a very young age. I have a prayer journal from 4th grade- it is hilarious to read. God blessed me with child like faith. It was so easy to believe. God made himself so real to me in my childhood.
I literally saw God answer my personal prayers in ways that today would stun me. Examples of a true loving God surrounded me in a blanket of safety and trust. I would pray for a friend and then watch as they accepted Christ. I would ask God for direction and at times His voice was so loud it was as if it was audible. I went to a foreign country and saw people healed. I was being fed the sweetest of pure spiritual milk from a God that was lovingly teaching me to trust him with Child like faith. Philip Yancey says " The problem is that child like trust may not survive when the miracle does not come, when the urgent prayer gets no answer, when the fog of life does not allow any signs of God's concern. Such times call for something more, for the hang-on-at-any-cost faith."
I learned when the first wave of fog hit that I did not posses the hang-on-at-any-cost faith. Reading the Bible as a child I often times read the stories with rose colored glasses on. To me, the stories were about people who heard from God, had faith to do what he asked, and God rewarded their faith with good things. Looking back at those same stories there is a much deeper reality.
This next section is from the book, paraphrased by me. (don't want to take credit for thoughts that are not my own). " Many follow this formula tragedy- darkness- triumph. Abraham was promised to be the father of all nations and he waited nearly a century, to have one son, who he was then asked to kill, although he did become the father of all nations. Joseph was given a dream by God, but landed at the bottom of a well, then in an Egyptian dungeon, before finding triumph. Moses was hand picked to deliver the Israelites, and ended up wandering around in the desert for forty years hunted by Pharaoh's army. David was anointed to be King and spent the next decade dodging attempts on his life, and sleeping in caves. They all received a clear message followed by a long, silent gap. But, they all ended up in Hebrews 11 (the hall of faith), and the Bible says "The world was not worthy of them". "
What I missed as a child is that in the silent gap is where faith was found. " Where there is no opportunity for doubt, there is no longer any opportunity for faith either. Faith demands uncertainty."
So it is that God has blessed my life with uncertainty, trial, silence, and grief. That is a crazy statement I know, but if it hadn't been for the tragedy and darkness I would still be craving milk from God instead of having the mature faith, the hang-on-at-any-cost faith. That kind of faith is what is pleasing to God. That is what God desires of us, and what is best for us. That is why we can believe that "all things work together for our good." In the long silent gaps of pain God is taking us from children to adults, from milk to the fruit of the spirit. It is not a fun or easy process, but I am finding that it is priceless. It has changed me. It has changed the way that I read the Bible, relate to God, relate to people.
Jesus. That is who it always comes back to. He hung from a cross, a time of intense tragedy and darkness where He cried out to God "why have you forsaken me?". Jesus was acquainted with grief and God's silence. But at the end of that was the ultimate triumph. Easter Sunday- Jesus rose from the dead and is alive! " The evils and suffering that afflict our lives are so real and so significant to God that he willed to share them and endure them himself." I have never been more convinced of the realness of God, and His love for me, not even when I was a child.
It is hard to grow up, but I would not change the fruit of the spirit that is growing in my life now for the spiritual milk of my childhood.
Hebrews 5:12-14 (New Living Translation)
"You have been believers so long now that you ought to be teaching others. Instead, you need someone to teach you again the basic things about God’s word. You are like babies who need milk and cannot eat solid food. For someone who lives on milk is still an infant and doesn’t know how to do what is right. Solid food is for those who are mature, who through training have the skill to recognize the difference between right and wrong."
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Life is unfair!
I have found myself throughout the last 6 years struggling with the fact that Life is unfair. I face off against the desire to shout this at God almost every night at work as I care for the 19 year old who is having her third baby that she says is an "accident". I hold it in every time I take care of a patient who says to me that having a baby was the last thing she wanted. I let it make me angry every time I deal with a situation where I know that the baby going home will not be feed, loved, or even safe. I say it over and over again in my head- life isn't fair! Dave just got a job and I am so proud of him. He is a middle school teacher who will change the lives of every student he comes in contact with, yet he makes less money than even I do. To me paying our children's teachers so little is so unfair! A good friend of mine is possibly saying goodbye to her mother today while she is pregnant with her first child, life is so unfair!
I say all of this because at some point in time we all shout this same phrase, but when it turns dangerous is when we allow that phrase to turn into- God is unfair! I am recovering from this belief. I allowed the pain of this world, and unfair circumstances to be my gateway into believing that God is unfair.
Like I said in my last blog, I have been reading a book called Disappointment with God by Philip Yancey and I have been set free from so many false accusations I have made against God. I wanted to share with you what he says about believing that God is unfair.
We all look to Job as the ultimate story of human suffering. Job was one of the holiest men of his time, and life was unfair to him. He loses his children, everything he owns, and his own personal health. He has to deal with the fact that life is unfair. Everyone deals with this reality differently.
Here are the most common ways that people deal with it: (this is all from the book)
1. Job's wife tells him "Curse God and die". These people deal with the unfairness of life by simply saying that a loving God cannot allow life to be this unfair, so they chose to curse God and not believe.
2. Others choose to believe that God agrees that life is unfair, is hurt by our suffering, but is powerless to change it.
3.The third group of people look to the future to fix the unfairness, like "karma", what goes around comes around, and it will all eventually right itself.
4. A fourth approach is to insist that the world is fair. These people say things like "God is trying to teach you something. You should feel privileged, not bitter, about your opportunity to trust God.",
" God is training you to exercise your faith", " Someone always has it worse than you", " Think about your blessings- at least you are still alive."
As a side note for those of us Christians who have lived in #4, per Philip Yancey, " Such helpful advice does nothing to answer the questions of the person in pain. It is the wrong medicine dispensed at the wrong time."
These are all the ways he lists that people attempt to reason out life's unfairness, but the truth comes from Job. He summarizes his belief in one emotion- Life is unfair! The rest of this blog will be a lot of quotes from the book because they are not my intelligent answers, but I hope that they impact you the way that they impacted me this morning.
" I learned, not to confuse God with life. I am as upset about what happened to me as anyone could be. I feel free to curse the unfairness of life and to vent all my grief and anger. But I believe God feels the same way about it- grieved and angry. I don't blame him for what happened. I have learned to see beyond the physical reality of this world to the spiritual reality of this world. We tend to think life should be fair because God is fair. But God is not physical life. And if I confuse God with the physical reality of life- by expecting constant good health, for example- then I set myself up for crashing disappointment. God's existence, even his love for me, does not depend on my good health. Frankly, I have had more opportunity to work on my relationship with God during my impairment than before. If we develop a relationship with God apart from life circumstances then we may be able to hang on when the physical breaks down. I challenge you to go home and read again the story of Jesus. Was life fair to him? For me, the cross demolished for all time the basic assumption that life will be fair."
I don't know where I picked up the expectation that life should be fair, but with stunning clarity I now see that life was the most unfair when God himself allowed the sins of others to hang his son on a cross to die. God dealt with the unfairness of life by sending His son to experience it first hand. I can believe in a God like that. Life is never going to be fair, but having a savior that understands how I am dealing with the unfairness of life is worth the faith it takes to hold on during those hard times. My relationship with God and his love for me is too precious to be ruined by my circumstances.
I say all of this because at some point in time we all shout this same phrase, but when it turns dangerous is when we allow that phrase to turn into- God is unfair! I am recovering from this belief. I allowed the pain of this world, and unfair circumstances to be my gateway into believing that God is unfair.
Like I said in my last blog, I have been reading a book called Disappointment with God by Philip Yancey and I have been set free from so many false accusations I have made against God. I wanted to share with you what he says about believing that God is unfair.
We all look to Job as the ultimate story of human suffering. Job was one of the holiest men of his time, and life was unfair to him. He loses his children, everything he owns, and his own personal health. He has to deal with the fact that life is unfair. Everyone deals with this reality differently.
Here are the most common ways that people deal with it: (this is all from the book)
1. Job's wife tells him "Curse God and die". These people deal with the unfairness of life by simply saying that a loving God cannot allow life to be this unfair, so they chose to curse God and not believe.
2. Others choose to believe that God agrees that life is unfair, is hurt by our suffering, but is powerless to change it.
3.The third group of people look to the future to fix the unfairness, like "karma", what goes around comes around, and it will all eventually right itself.
4. A fourth approach is to insist that the world is fair. These people say things like "God is trying to teach you something. You should feel privileged, not bitter, about your opportunity to trust God.",
" God is training you to exercise your faith", " Someone always has it worse than you", " Think about your blessings- at least you are still alive."
As a side note for those of us Christians who have lived in #4, per Philip Yancey, " Such helpful advice does nothing to answer the questions of the person in pain. It is the wrong medicine dispensed at the wrong time."
These are all the ways he lists that people attempt to reason out life's unfairness, but the truth comes from Job. He summarizes his belief in one emotion- Life is unfair! The rest of this blog will be a lot of quotes from the book because they are not my intelligent answers, but I hope that they impact you the way that they impacted me this morning.
" I learned, not to confuse God with life. I am as upset about what happened to me as anyone could be. I feel free to curse the unfairness of life and to vent all my grief and anger. But I believe God feels the same way about it- grieved and angry. I don't blame him for what happened. I have learned to see beyond the physical reality of this world to the spiritual reality of this world. We tend to think life should be fair because God is fair. But God is not physical life. And if I confuse God with the physical reality of life- by expecting constant good health, for example- then I set myself up for crashing disappointment. God's existence, even his love for me, does not depend on my good health. Frankly, I have had more opportunity to work on my relationship with God during my impairment than before. If we develop a relationship with God apart from life circumstances then we may be able to hang on when the physical breaks down. I challenge you to go home and read again the story of Jesus. Was life fair to him? For me, the cross demolished for all time the basic assumption that life will be fair."
I don't know where I picked up the expectation that life should be fair, but with stunning clarity I now see that life was the most unfair when God himself allowed the sins of others to hang his son on a cross to die. God dealt with the unfairness of life by sending His son to experience it first hand. I can believe in a God like that. Life is never going to be fair, but having a savior that understands how I am dealing with the unfairness of life is worth the faith it takes to hold on during those hard times. My relationship with God and his love for me is too precious to be ruined by my circumstances.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
We don't worship Santa Clause
I am currently reading a book by Philip Yancey called Disappointment With God. I have consciously had to hold myself back from wanting to copy and paste the entire book into my blog. If I could send everyone a copy I would. It has been that valuable and healing to me, and I am only half way through. It speaks to the heart of anyone who has ever wondered where God is, why hasn't he answered my prayers, is he unfair? If you have ever experienced disappointment this is the book for you!
I have had major heart change with each chapter. One of the most important lessons for me has been that God's quick answers to prayer and obvious presence don't lead the people that experience them to loving God more. It has been revolutionary to me that God desires me to love him above all else. He desires my love and affection. That short sentence may not impact you the way it has shattered me, but if you sit and think on it I hope that it will.
In the Old testament God showed himself very obviously in countless stories. He also gave lavishly in countless stories, and in countless stories people still turned away. The Israelites had God living among them in a pillar of fire. They could open their eyes at any time and look around and see actual proof that God was with them. Manna showed up every morning for them to eat, physical evidence that God would provide for them, and yet it says that the people complained that there wasn't a variety of things to eat. It says that even the physical presence of God didn't draw people into a loving relationship with him. The Israelites rebelled, complained, refused to believe, didn't offer God their unending love.
Solomon was given every gift he asked for. He built an amazing temple that God actually entered and filled with his glory. Solomon had every reason to love God with all of his heart and yet it says that in the end Solomon became obsessed with the gifts and power themselves, and not with the giver of the gifts.
It struck me that even when God answers every prayer and makes himself so obviously present that people don't love him more and obey him more fervently.
We don't love and obey Santa Clause. Santa Clause brings our hearts desires and comes every year, yet it isn't enough to foster love. I am not going to fall more in love with God by getting what I am waiting for. I so often wish God would make himself and his plan more obvious to me, but as I have seen in scripture though it may strengthen my emotions, or "faith" for a time it will not produce in me a true love for God that lasts. I must learn how to fall in love with God and offer him the love that he so amazingly deserves.
It has been so freeing to realize that my relationship with God isn't tied to me feeling close to God, an emotional experience of feeling God's closeness is not what will sustain me. God's number one desire is to have a relationship with me. He understands that just showering me with the gifts that I am asking for, or making His presence easy to see isn't in my best interest. He is sometimes hidden and quiet so that I will have the blessing of learning to love him more. He doesn't always answer requests right away, or shower me with the gifts I ask for because he wants me to have the gift of a love that doesn't depend on gifts.
God is not Santa Clause and I am so thankful that He knows what I need more than I know what I need. I am thankful that God knows what will lead me into true faith and relationship with Him, even when I think he is wrong. I am thankful that I am learning to have a true love and affection for God. Most of all I am thankful that despite my very small understanding of him and my "disappointment" with him that he has not given up on me.
I have had major heart change with each chapter. One of the most important lessons for me has been that God's quick answers to prayer and obvious presence don't lead the people that experience them to loving God more. It has been revolutionary to me that God desires me to love him above all else. He desires my love and affection. That short sentence may not impact you the way it has shattered me, but if you sit and think on it I hope that it will.
In the Old testament God showed himself very obviously in countless stories. He also gave lavishly in countless stories, and in countless stories people still turned away. The Israelites had God living among them in a pillar of fire. They could open their eyes at any time and look around and see actual proof that God was with them. Manna showed up every morning for them to eat, physical evidence that God would provide for them, and yet it says that the people complained that there wasn't a variety of things to eat. It says that even the physical presence of God didn't draw people into a loving relationship with him. The Israelites rebelled, complained, refused to believe, didn't offer God their unending love.
Solomon was given every gift he asked for. He built an amazing temple that God actually entered and filled with his glory. Solomon had every reason to love God with all of his heart and yet it says that in the end Solomon became obsessed with the gifts and power themselves, and not with the giver of the gifts.
It struck me that even when God answers every prayer and makes himself so obviously present that people don't love him more and obey him more fervently.
We don't love and obey Santa Clause. Santa Clause brings our hearts desires and comes every year, yet it isn't enough to foster love. I am not going to fall more in love with God by getting what I am waiting for. I so often wish God would make himself and his plan more obvious to me, but as I have seen in scripture though it may strengthen my emotions, or "faith" for a time it will not produce in me a true love for God that lasts. I must learn how to fall in love with God and offer him the love that he so amazingly deserves.
It has been so freeing to realize that my relationship with God isn't tied to me feeling close to God, an emotional experience of feeling God's closeness is not what will sustain me. God's number one desire is to have a relationship with me. He understands that just showering me with the gifts that I am asking for, or making His presence easy to see isn't in my best interest. He is sometimes hidden and quiet so that I will have the blessing of learning to love him more. He doesn't always answer requests right away, or shower me with the gifts I ask for because he wants me to have the gift of a love that doesn't depend on gifts.
God is not Santa Clause and I am so thankful that He knows what I need more than I know what I need. I am thankful that God knows what will lead me into true faith and relationship with Him, even when I think he is wrong. I am thankful that I am learning to have a true love and affection for God. Most of all I am thankful that despite my very small understanding of him and my "disappointment" with him that he has not given up on me.
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