I was talking to someone dear to me yesterday, and after reading my last blog they were worried about me. They called to see if I was "okay". They felt like I was in a bad place. To be honest, I wasn't sure what to say. Their fear for me took me by surprise. They were worried that my state of mind and emotions were in a dark place.
I began to wonder if my readers are receiving the wrong message. I know in my last blog I admitted to being a "pit dweller", but I feel the need to clarify a few things just in case my readers believe the same thing as this other person in my life. Having been through many trials, or as I referred to them in my last blog "pits", I am in the best place I could be, right in the middle of God's plan for my life. I have never been stretched so much, held so tight, or ever more convinced of God's love for me than I am right now. I wouldn't trade a single tear, weak moment, or painful thought for the glory that God is receiving through my pain.
I have moved from a place of faith built on sand, that was blown away easily when the slightest wind came, to a faith built on rock that can withstand the worse storm. If God calls me in and out of trials for the rest of my life I will willingly follow because God's plan for me is the best plan for me. He loves me with a love that I have only found by walking through the depths of dark valley's. I was reading in Romans 8 this morning and I felt as if I could have written this passage myself. I don't usually include a huge chunk of scripture, but please read the entire thing. It is worth it:
Romans 8:31-39 (New Living Translation)
Nothing Can Separate Us from God’s Love
31 What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? 32 Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? 33 Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. 34 Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.
35 Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? 36 (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”) 37 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.
38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.
If God is for me, then no one, or no thing can stand against me and win. I am a victor in this life because of Christ. God did not even spare His most precious gift for me, His son. He hung him on a cross for my sin. I no longer have the right to doubt if God will provide the most insignificant gifts in my life. God is the most loving, lavishing, gift giving father. Nothing can separate me from the love of God: not infertility, not painful waiting, not financial worry, not job frustrations, NOTHING!
But the most important point of this piece of scripture and in my life is that now I am convinced. Before the pits, trials, and tribulations, I was not convinced of God's love for me. I allowed the fears for today and the worries about tomorrow to make me doubt his love. No longer is that the case.
So, yes I do have bad days where emotionally I am torn, hurting, sad, mad, fill in the blank, but spiritually I remain convinced of God's love for me. Because of that I can face life in victory no matter how bad my day has been.
I pray that sharing with you my emotional struggles has not deceived you into thinking that I am not in a good place. If you, like this other dear person, worry about my well being- please do not. I am an over comer and I am a victor because the ultimate victory has already been won, Jesus rose from the dead, and one day I will spend eternity with Him! That is a life and a promise worth celebrating. I could not be more thankful for where I am in life. I could not be more convinced of God's love for me. I am in the best place to be, wrapped in the loving arms of an amazing Father who I cannot be separated from!
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Pit Dwelling
Have you ever watched small children play make believe? They are so intensely involved in their pretend life that they act and believe that they are the character that they imagine. It is sweet when you are three years old, but it loses it's luster when you are pretending to be someone you're not as an adult.
I sit smiling in a room full of friends speaking about their children, and I add bits of knowledge from my nursing experience, and from what people have told me, and I pretend that it doesn't rip me apart on the inside that I cannot truly participate in the conversation from a mothers perspective. I tell a stranger, no we don't have kids yet, we are waiting for my husband to finish his masters- smile big and walk away. I smile and sweetly say hello to people at work, when I have unforgiveness in my heart for the way myself and others I work with have been treated. I work out, eat healthy, put on my prettiest outfit, slap on some lip gloss, and a smile, and go trotting out into the world like I have it all together when on the inside I am a broken mess who has spent most of her last 5 years dwelling in a pit of mud and mire.
Recently I was called out about my pretending. Someone close to me got close enough to look through my imaginary persona and see where I really was. She pointed out that I have become really good at pretending that I am okay. She is right, and I even took a small amount of pride in the fact that I can easily fool people into my make believe. But, when God got me alone after that conversation, it wasn't an easy pill to swallow.
I am reading a book by Beth Moore called "Get out of That Pit", and ironically I started this book the day before I had the above mentioned conversation. The true reality of where I am is that I have been in and out of pits for the past 5 years. There are days when the smiling, joyful girl you run into is truly where I am, but on most days you can find me at the bottom of a muddy pit desperately trying to dig my way out. There are three ways to get into a pit, to be thrown in by tragedy or difficulty in life, to slip in- inadvertently allow yourself to get too close to sin, or to jump in by blatantly sinning. There are many ways into a pit, but for me I have been thrown in and slipped in.
Beth Moore says " A pit is when you feel stuck. Isaiah 42:22 says that a pit is a place where you feel trapped. You tend to feel your only options are to kick and scream, hoping your flailing can help you escape, or submit."
" One way you can know you're in a pit is that you feel ineffective and utterly powerless against the attack of the enemy. You can't stand up to assaults, trials, or temptations because your feet are in the mud and the mire."
" The close confinement of a pit exhausts us with the endless echo of self- absorption. Visibility extends no further than six inches from our noses. We can't see out, so we turn our sights in."
"We can be young and yet feel old. Heavy laden. Burdened. In a pit where vision is lost and dreams are foolishness."
I read these words and watched as they called out every emotion that I have experienced: heavy, burdened, old, feeling stuck, kicking and screaming to get out, feeling powerless against the enemy, being self absorbed in the pain of my pit and not being able to see past the end of my own nose. I truly believe as Christians we will find ourselves often falling into the pits of life. It gives me comfort that one of the Godliest women I have ever heard of, Beth Moore, considers herself a pit dweller.
The relief is that God did not intend for us to stay in the pit. " All image- bearers of God were intended to overflow with effervescent life, stirring and spilling with God- given vision. That's what you miss in the pit."
When I allow myself to dwell in the pit of hurt that life has handed me I miss the vision and plan that God has given me, to live a life full of purpose and serve him in the Light. " Satan knows that deep in our hearts we're so fragile and injured by life that his faintest whisper will talk us into feeling guilty even when we're not." I often beat myself up for my faults, for falling short of perfection, I allow Satan to convince me that I should be strong enough to get myself out of the pit, and when inevitably I see that I am not, I am mad at myself for not being strong enough.
The truth that sets me free is that I don't have to stay in the pit because I serve a God who is strong enough to pull me out. I serve a God that takes a pit that Satan has placed strategically in front of me and uses it for His good and His glory. Genesis 50:20 " You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." God intends to give me a hope and a future. He is using the pits of my life for good and to accomplish what is being done now in my life. He is working to give me the effervescent life . God is using the story of my pits to reach others dwelling in the pit with me. And, God willing to save many lives.
I sit smiling in a room full of friends speaking about their children, and I add bits of knowledge from my nursing experience, and from what people have told me, and I pretend that it doesn't rip me apart on the inside that I cannot truly participate in the conversation from a mothers perspective. I tell a stranger, no we don't have kids yet, we are waiting for my husband to finish his masters- smile big and walk away. I smile and sweetly say hello to people at work, when I have unforgiveness in my heart for the way myself and others I work with have been treated. I work out, eat healthy, put on my prettiest outfit, slap on some lip gloss, and a smile, and go trotting out into the world like I have it all together when on the inside I am a broken mess who has spent most of her last 5 years dwelling in a pit of mud and mire.
Recently I was called out about my pretending. Someone close to me got close enough to look through my imaginary persona and see where I really was. She pointed out that I have become really good at pretending that I am okay. She is right, and I even took a small amount of pride in the fact that I can easily fool people into my make believe. But, when God got me alone after that conversation, it wasn't an easy pill to swallow.
I am reading a book by Beth Moore called "Get out of That Pit", and ironically I started this book the day before I had the above mentioned conversation. The true reality of where I am is that I have been in and out of pits for the past 5 years. There are days when the smiling, joyful girl you run into is truly where I am, but on most days you can find me at the bottom of a muddy pit desperately trying to dig my way out. There are three ways to get into a pit, to be thrown in by tragedy or difficulty in life, to slip in- inadvertently allow yourself to get too close to sin, or to jump in by blatantly sinning. There are many ways into a pit, but for me I have been thrown in and slipped in.
Beth Moore says " A pit is when you feel stuck. Isaiah 42:22 says that a pit is a place where you feel trapped. You tend to feel your only options are to kick and scream, hoping your flailing can help you escape, or submit."
" One way you can know you're in a pit is that you feel ineffective and utterly powerless against the attack of the enemy. You can't stand up to assaults, trials, or temptations because your feet are in the mud and the mire."
" The close confinement of a pit exhausts us with the endless echo of self- absorption. Visibility extends no further than six inches from our noses. We can't see out, so we turn our sights in."
"We can be young and yet feel old. Heavy laden. Burdened. In a pit where vision is lost and dreams are foolishness."
I read these words and watched as they called out every emotion that I have experienced: heavy, burdened, old, feeling stuck, kicking and screaming to get out, feeling powerless against the enemy, being self absorbed in the pain of my pit and not being able to see past the end of my own nose. I truly believe as Christians we will find ourselves often falling into the pits of life. It gives me comfort that one of the Godliest women I have ever heard of, Beth Moore, considers herself a pit dweller.
The relief is that God did not intend for us to stay in the pit. " All image- bearers of God were intended to overflow with effervescent life, stirring and spilling with God- given vision. That's what you miss in the pit."
When I allow myself to dwell in the pit of hurt that life has handed me I miss the vision and plan that God has given me, to live a life full of purpose and serve him in the Light. " Satan knows that deep in our hearts we're so fragile and injured by life that his faintest whisper will talk us into feeling guilty even when we're not." I often beat myself up for my faults, for falling short of perfection, I allow Satan to convince me that I should be strong enough to get myself out of the pit, and when inevitably I see that I am not, I am mad at myself for not being strong enough.
The truth that sets me free is that I don't have to stay in the pit because I serve a God who is strong enough to pull me out. I serve a God that takes a pit that Satan has placed strategically in front of me and uses it for His good and His glory. Genesis 50:20 " You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." God intends to give me a hope and a future. He is using the pits of my life for good and to accomplish what is being done now in my life. He is working to give me the effervescent life . God is using the story of my pits to reach others dwelling in the pit with me. And, God willing to save many lives.
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