Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Lord Willing
I have adopted a new phrase, well new to me. Lord willing....and fill in the blank. It is so true. If the Lord is willing nothing can stop Him, and if the Lord has other plans my inability to understand doesn't lessen the goodness of those plans. The Lord was willing today to allow us to finish our home study! Our social worker came over, took less than 10 minutes to look at the house, reviewed our paperwork and then was on her way. It was easy and painless. I haven't been able to say that very often the last few years. We are so thankful for an easy and painless step. She met with our pastor after us, and walking by Dave on the way out she said "I think you passed." And then it was over. Our paper work will now be sent to the home office in Asheville to await approval. It should take about 2 weeks and then we are officially waiting! Thank you for all of the encouragement and prayers. We will continue to need prayer as we enter this new phase of waiting. Pray that the paper work will be approved quickly, pray that Lord willing we will not have a long wait, pray for our baby's safety, and for the birth mother as she begins to make this difficult decision. Lord willing, we will strengthen our faith in Him, and Lord willing we will be holding our child soon.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Teachable moments
I am going to rename this blog teachable moments. That is what this blog is. It is me sharing the moments in my life when I actually allow God to teach me something. It is the aha moments. The moments in my life that are worth sharing. This week our home study was scheduled for Wedn morning. I was supposed to be blogging about how amazing it is to be done with this process and how hopeful and excited I feel. Instead, I crawled into my car after a long night shift and checked my phone. The text message read: Crystal, I am so sorry to do this, but I woke up with a fever,chills, and body aches, and I have to cancel our visit for today. Again, I am sorry.
All of the anticipation, hope, and joy came crashing down with one simple text.
Are you kidding me? Of all the days that our social worker would wake up sick, it just happens to be our home study. Of all of the months to get the flu- May?! Is this a sick joke? Well, add it to the list of road blocks. Of course you have to cancel, nothing can be easy...that was the running dialogue in my head as I drove home. Angry. God, how do you explain this?
I forced myself to turn on the Christian radio station, and even thought- I am not singing though. Beth Moore came on and said "Have you ever had those situations that you just don't know how to deal with? You don't have a file for this. You don't know how to respond. That is when we need to pray for wisdom." All I could think was that is exactly how I feel. I don't have a file for this. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know how to respond in faith. Well, I guess I should ask for wisdom. That is exactly what I did.
Last night I got in my car for my 1 hour drive to work and wisdom fell like rain. I was listening to my favorite worship song (you hold me now), and the end keeps repeating "your kingdom come, your will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven." That struck me. God's will is Heavenly and when it is lived out here on Earth it may not look like we think it should. But, it is divine and perfect. When I ask for God's will (which I frequently do), I am asking for a Heaven inspired plan that will probably not make much Earthly sense. I started to pray...Lord, I believe that your plan is perfect and that this timing is there to lead me to the child you have chosen for me. In a still moment God spoke directly to my heart this question: do you really believe that? The answer was evident... no. I am that father in Mark 9:26 that yells out to Jesus "I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief." I was telling God what I thought I should say and in that moment realized that I didn't believe it. I felt the immediate need to confess my unbelief. I began to confess my doubts, fears, emotions. I felt the reassurance of the love of my father wash over me. I acknowledged the unbelief and allowed God to soothe my frustrated heart. It was good. It was so good.
That was a teachable moment. That was God giving me the wisdom I asked for. From now on I am not going to ask for God to fix situations, I am going to ask for the wisdom to understand the heavenly will of God.
All of the anticipation, hope, and joy came crashing down with one simple text.
Are you kidding me? Of all the days that our social worker would wake up sick, it just happens to be our home study. Of all of the months to get the flu- May?! Is this a sick joke? Well, add it to the list of road blocks. Of course you have to cancel, nothing can be easy...that was the running dialogue in my head as I drove home. Angry. God, how do you explain this?
I forced myself to turn on the Christian radio station, and even thought- I am not singing though. Beth Moore came on and said "Have you ever had those situations that you just don't know how to deal with? You don't have a file for this. You don't know how to respond. That is when we need to pray for wisdom." All I could think was that is exactly how I feel. I don't have a file for this. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know how to respond in faith. Well, I guess I should ask for wisdom. That is exactly what I did.
Last night I got in my car for my 1 hour drive to work and wisdom fell like rain. I was listening to my favorite worship song (you hold me now), and the end keeps repeating "your kingdom come, your will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven." That struck me. God's will is Heavenly and when it is lived out here on Earth it may not look like we think it should. But, it is divine and perfect. When I ask for God's will (which I frequently do), I am asking for a Heaven inspired plan that will probably not make much Earthly sense. I started to pray...Lord, I believe that your plan is perfect and that this timing is there to lead me to the child you have chosen for me. In a still moment God spoke directly to my heart this question: do you really believe that? The answer was evident... no. I am that father in Mark 9:26 that yells out to Jesus "I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief." I was telling God what I thought I should say and in that moment realized that I didn't believe it. I felt the immediate need to confess my unbelief. I began to confess my doubts, fears, emotions. I felt the reassurance of the love of my father wash over me. I acknowledged the unbelief and allowed God to soothe my frustrated heart. It was good. It was so good.
That was a teachable moment. That was God giving me the wisdom I asked for. From now on I am not going to ask for God to fix situations, I am going to ask for the wisdom to understand the heavenly will of God.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
A Gift
A purple card with a black and white picture of a mothers hands holding two tiny feet that says
" Soon those ten tiny toes will tiptoe into your heart...and leave their footprints forever." My first Mother's Day gift. No one can imagine the impact.
Last night after going to dinner with Dave and my parents we came back to my house to exchange gifts. Dave got a birthday gift, my dad got a birthday gift, and my mom got a mothers day gift. After all of the gift giving was done my mom and dad said that they had just one more.
Out came a BABY bag that contained the sweet card I quoted above and two teddy bears, one pink, and one blue. It was a Mother's Day gift. For me. There were so many layers to what this meant to me.
What a small thing that it was in a baby bag, but I have never been the one to receive a baby bag. I have sat and watched shower after shower and dreamed of the day that I would unwrap gifts from pastel bags, but this time it was meant for me. I unwrapped it. Next that sweet card-tears automatically followed. It represents hope. As my mom said- you are expecting and I want you to feel that. I did. I have this card to hold on to. A symbol of hope of the blessing that are already on their way. Next, the bears. The excitement of not knowing if our baby will need pink or blue, or possibly we will get babies for both bears. They are going to sit in the crib until it is filled with our sweet child. (By the way, I have already picked out the crib I want- no surprise.) It was such a sweet moment for me. My parents are going to be grandparents and they are so excited and that couldn't mean more to me.
When I climbed into bed last night I couldn't help but be humbled by a love from God that I don't deserve. A love from family that I don't deserve. I prayed that God would help me love those around me the way God loves me. I am so blessed. I am so loved. I am so undeserving. That is what is so amazing about God's love. I did nothing to make God love me, but He does. I did nothing to deserve these gifts, but He gives them. I am nothing, but through Him I am someone. He holds me the way that mom on my card is holding those tiny feet. And there is hope in God's love.
" Soon those ten tiny toes will tiptoe into your heart...and leave their footprints forever." My first Mother's Day gift. No one can imagine the impact.
Last night after going to dinner with Dave and my parents we came back to my house to exchange gifts. Dave got a birthday gift, my dad got a birthday gift, and my mom got a mothers day gift. After all of the gift giving was done my mom and dad said that they had just one more.
Out came a BABY bag that contained the sweet card I quoted above and two teddy bears, one pink, and one blue. It was a Mother's Day gift. For me. There were so many layers to what this meant to me.
What a small thing that it was in a baby bag, but I have never been the one to receive a baby bag. I have sat and watched shower after shower and dreamed of the day that I would unwrap gifts from pastel bags, but this time it was meant for me. I unwrapped it. Next that sweet card-tears automatically followed. It represents hope. As my mom said- you are expecting and I want you to feel that. I did. I have this card to hold on to. A symbol of hope of the blessing that are already on their way. Next, the bears. The excitement of not knowing if our baby will need pink or blue, or possibly we will get babies for both bears. They are going to sit in the crib until it is filled with our sweet child. (By the way, I have already picked out the crib I want- no surprise.) It was such a sweet moment for me. My parents are going to be grandparents and they are so excited and that couldn't mean more to me.
When I climbed into bed last night I couldn't help but be humbled by a love from God that I don't deserve. A love from family that I don't deserve. I prayed that God would help me love those around me the way God loves me. I am so blessed. I am so loved. I am so undeserving. That is what is so amazing about God's love. I did nothing to make God love me, but He does. I did nothing to deserve these gifts, but He gives them. I am nothing, but through Him I am someone. He holds me the way that mom on my card is holding those tiny feet. And there is hope in God's love.
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