"People only act where there is a perceived pay off."
It still amazes me how creative God is willing to be in order to get through to me. We recently got together with a group of friends to enjoy a meal and catch up. That dinner get together turned into a wisdom filled time of sharing what God was teaching us. One topic that came up was the frustration that comes with trying to encourage the youth in our youth groups to walk with the Lord, seriously full out give themselves to Christ. One of our friends spoke up and said something to the effect that our students will not invest themselves in something that they don't think will benefit them. It is pretty profound when you think about it. If whatever you are faced with doesn't seem to have infinite value that will benefit you, you will probably not take time to invest in it.
That idea started to settle in and I started to marinate over the things in my life that have a perceived pay off. We exercise because in the end we believe that it makes our body's healthier, if working out did nothing to improve our appearance and health very few of us would do it. There are many that aren't convinced of the benefit of working out and because the pay off isn't always immediate they choose not to invest themselves in staying healthy. How about friendships? We pour into friendships that provide us with a sense of love and well being. Usually, our closest friends are those that are equally devoted to us. We benefit from the friendship, so it is easier to invest in it. Such a small concept, yet such far reaching impact.
But lets be real, there are some other things I invest a lot of energy and effort into. Take worry and anxiety. About a week after this dinner get together I asked our friend who inspired this blog to send me the quote listed above, and with that he included this thought "for people who are persistently anxious what is the payoff"? I was stunned. My anxiety had reached crippling proportions over the last few months. He had no idea that literally just the day before I had been begging God in my personal prayer time to help me address the anxiety in my life. I have invested so much time in worry and anxiety that it affects my sleep, my health, my thoughts, everything. God used this friend to speak directly to me- Crystal, what is the payoff of being anxious? I had to truly sink deep into that question, to expose the thought to the light, and allow God to bring the answer out of the darkness of my sin. I choose anxiety because it makes me feel in control. The payoff is a sense of stability and control that I continuously fight for.
The sickening truth is that being anxious actually controls me. It is a deception that choosing anxiety somehow benefits me. It is a lie from Satan, that with the help of a friend has been exposed. But this thought has not only addressed anxiety in my life it has begun to expose the motive of everything I do. Why do I choose to talk with friends about a problem instead of going to the Lord? Because deep down I am convinced that the encouraging words of a friend and warmth of a hug will comfort me more than being in the presence of my Heavenly Father. I am convinced that there will be more wisdom and help found in the human relationship than in the Heavenly one. Why do I avoid reading scripture daily, but can read "Christian" books faithfully? I am obviously convinced that these books are better for me, that the teaching in these books is more life changing than the word of God, that the payoff is bigger.
How you invest your heart, time, and energy reveals where you think the pay off lies. If I was truly convinced that God was everything I needed my investments would reflect my sold out belief in the ultimate pay off of having an amazing relationship with God. This concept has truly motivated me to beg God to change the deceptions I believe, and to continue to ask in honest prayer that God continue to grow in me a love for him. Christ dieing on the cross allows me to have a relationship with a perfect and holy God- God thought that saving me was worth more than saving his own son. A relationship with me was the pay off for God. Now that is a truly humbling thought.
Matthew 6:21 " Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will be also."
Friday, February 25, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
exposed
This blog originally started out to be for updates about our adoption process, but has turned out to be my safe haven where I run to sit quietly and reflect on what God is teaching me, or vent about what I am going through. It is truly a gift for me. I say this because the following blog will probably not hit home with many of you. It is for me. It is simply because today was hard and I needed to do this.
The process of adoption has a way of stripping you down to the most vulnerable parts of yourself. The whole world is invited in to a decision that is private for most people. You are forced to share things like your personal finances and physical health with people who you barely know. They dig into your life, why you want to be parents, your ability to parent, at a depth that is uncomfortable at best. You make the decision to adopt and with it comes a world that unless you have done it before is so foreign. There is a language you don't know and a process that you are swept along in.
Then you begin to share the news with others. You find the strength to say "we are adopting" when people ask if you have kids. Then you hold your breath and wait for their response. If I am honest, there have been many times I have wanted to cry on the spot. People willingly, and most of the time uninvited, share their opinions freely. " Why would you want to do that? Don't you want your own kids? You must not be able to have your own children. I am so sorry. How much will your children cost? " Most of the time I simply nod, smile, collect the pieces and walk away. I share my brokenness with Dave and with people who love and support me. I realize that most things people say are not meant to hurt, but they leave me feeling raw and exposed.
Today I sat across from my social worker and poured my heart out. Waiting is so painful and with every successful adoption my agency notifies me about I am not so gently reminded that we were not picked. I asked if our profile had been shown, not really wanting to hear the answer. She sat across from me today and said we have shown your profile many times, but it hasn't been picked. We don't know why. We have to rely on the belief that it simply wasn't in God's timing.
The whisper of why don't people want us poured into my mind. It is such a personal thing for someone to look through the book of your life and then decide that they do not want you. I haven't had many times in my life that I have had to face rejection, but I can firmly say that this is by far the hardest to accept. It is putting everything you are out there for people and then being told that for whatever reason they do not want you.
Our social worker listened, encouraged, prayed, and was everything she was meant to be for me today, but she could not take away the pain of the rejections and the waiting that has no end at this point. I sat in my car after lunch and flipped on my ipod and turned to the song that has been the cry of my heart for the past few weeks. The soft words filled my car and I let myself get lost in them. "I'm running to your arms, I'm running to your arms. The riches of your love will always be enough. Nothing compares to your embrace. Light of the world forever reign. "
I took all of the pain and doubt and ran into the open arms of my savior. I could almost physically feel myself running from the reality of this world, and running with reckless abandon in to my father's arms. I threw my arms open and flung myself into his arms of comfort and love. I drank in his acceptance and love for me. To him I am enough, I am known from the inside out, and I am loved with a love that is beyond my ability to express. He chooses me, he loves me, and he knows me fully. His plan is hidden for now, but I believe that it is good. I swallowed up his acceptance, love, grace, and comfort. It is one of the first times that I have not allowed pain to separate me from God or to drive a wedge between me and faith in his good plan. It was tasting sweet in the midst of the bitter.
I am thankful for the newness of a hang-on-at-any-cost faith. It allowed me to experience the comfort of a God who is there in the midst of my circumstances to catch me as I run head long into his arms. I am resting in the shadow of his wings. I am so thankful to be fully known, exposed, before my God who loves me.
Deuteronomy 33:27 (New Living Translation)
" The eternal God is your refuge, and his everlasting arms are under you. He drives out the enemy before you; he cries out, ‘Destroy them!’"
The process of adoption has a way of stripping you down to the most vulnerable parts of yourself. The whole world is invited in to a decision that is private for most people. You are forced to share things like your personal finances and physical health with people who you barely know. They dig into your life, why you want to be parents, your ability to parent, at a depth that is uncomfortable at best. You make the decision to adopt and with it comes a world that unless you have done it before is so foreign. There is a language you don't know and a process that you are swept along in.
Then you begin to share the news with others. You find the strength to say "we are adopting" when people ask if you have kids. Then you hold your breath and wait for their response. If I am honest, there have been many times I have wanted to cry on the spot. People willingly, and most of the time uninvited, share their opinions freely. " Why would you want to do that? Don't you want your own kids? You must not be able to have your own children. I am so sorry. How much will your children cost? " Most of the time I simply nod, smile, collect the pieces and walk away. I share my brokenness with Dave and with people who love and support me. I realize that most things people say are not meant to hurt, but they leave me feeling raw and exposed.
Today I sat across from my social worker and poured my heart out. Waiting is so painful and with every successful adoption my agency notifies me about I am not so gently reminded that we were not picked. I asked if our profile had been shown, not really wanting to hear the answer. She sat across from me today and said we have shown your profile many times, but it hasn't been picked. We don't know why. We have to rely on the belief that it simply wasn't in God's timing.
The whisper of why don't people want us poured into my mind. It is such a personal thing for someone to look through the book of your life and then decide that they do not want you. I haven't had many times in my life that I have had to face rejection, but I can firmly say that this is by far the hardest to accept. It is putting everything you are out there for people and then being told that for whatever reason they do not want you.
Our social worker listened, encouraged, prayed, and was everything she was meant to be for me today, but she could not take away the pain of the rejections and the waiting that has no end at this point. I sat in my car after lunch and flipped on my ipod and turned to the song that has been the cry of my heart for the past few weeks. The soft words filled my car and I let myself get lost in them. "I'm running to your arms, I'm running to your arms. The riches of your love will always be enough. Nothing compares to your embrace. Light of the world forever reign. "
I took all of the pain and doubt and ran into the open arms of my savior. I could almost physically feel myself running from the reality of this world, and running with reckless abandon in to my father's arms. I threw my arms open and flung myself into his arms of comfort and love. I drank in his acceptance and love for me. To him I am enough, I am known from the inside out, and I am loved with a love that is beyond my ability to express. He chooses me, he loves me, and he knows me fully. His plan is hidden for now, but I believe that it is good. I swallowed up his acceptance, love, grace, and comfort. It is one of the first times that I have not allowed pain to separate me from God or to drive a wedge between me and faith in his good plan. It was tasting sweet in the midst of the bitter.
I am thankful for the newness of a hang-on-at-any-cost faith. It allowed me to experience the comfort of a God who is there in the midst of my circumstances to catch me as I run head long into his arms. I am resting in the shadow of his wings. I am so thankful to be fully known, exposed, before my God who loves me.
Deuteronomy 33:27 (New Living Translation)
" The eternal God is your refuge, and his everlasting arms are under you. He drives out the enemy before you; he cries out, ‘Destroy them!’"
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