Learning

I woke up early this morning, which is very unusual for me (like 6am early). Since I work night shift, early typically looks like noon. :) It is still dark outside and I sat with my cup of coffee and my Bible and was still before the Lord. It is such a privilege to do that. It feels so comfortable. I started reading through Luke. I sometimes forget just how life changing the Gospels truly should be to me. I didn't even make it through Luke 1 without God being faithful to speak. Vs. 37 "For nothing is impossible with God." I don't know how many times in Luke 1 it says this, but it seemed like the entire way through chapter 1 that is all I could read and hear. God does the impossible for Elizabeth and gives her a son when she was barren. God does the impossible through Mary and allows her to become a virgin mother, and to carry the savior of the world. God does the impossible and sends a savior who just by being alive and dieing saves the world from it's sin. God proved to all of the Jews who had been waiting for what must have seemed like forever that He would keep His promise and set them free. It just blows my mind that God is so much in the business of doing the impossible.
We got our official acceptance after turning in the formal application- one more impossible thing down. We also received our home study packet- I cannot explain the emotions, but they looked kind of like excitement and panic all rolled into one. The book sized packet looks impossible to me. I stared at it this morning after reading...I keep telling myself that this is not impossible for God. It feels that way. The enemy would love for me to believe the lie that it is impossible for us to have a family. He whispers that lie to me often. I now have a sword to cut that lie down with. "For nothing is impossible with God." Luke 1:37

Thankful

It is thanksgiving and I am sitting in my parents beautiful mountain house. I thought I should update our blog since it has been a while. I am very thankful for having the previously mentioned issues of our pre-application resolved and out of the way. I was able to see my doctor in Apex, and she wrote a lovely letter to the adoption agency. A few days later our preliminary application was accepted! YEAH! One step down and many more to go. We are currently working on the formal application. Once that is in we will begin the home study portion of this adventure. We are very thankful to just be moving forward. We are very thankful that God is in control of this situation and we will work as if we are working for the Lord through this whole process.
On another note, we are very thankful for such amazing families and friends. We have such a spirit of love and support surrounding us. We are thankful for the Tigers going to the ACC championship to compete- even though we cannot be there :( We are thankful for having an amazing church. We are thankful for all of the material gifts we have been given. We are thankful for our marriage and the joy and strength that it brings. We are thankful for our cats and the joy they bring.
Most importantly: We are thankful for Jesus and for the fact that He sacrificed himself so that we could have the abundant life. He works through our mess to make it a beautiful masterpiece.
He never gives up on me and never allows my mess to separate me from His love and provision. I hope everyone is having a Happy Thanksgiving!

a lot of emotions

I got news yesterday that I will need to travel to Raleigh to see the doctor who treated me in high school in order for her to complete the paper work that we have been waiting for. It amazes me how people can kick you when you are down. The nurse that called me to let me know said "if you truly cared about the child you want, you wouldn't care that you need to drive here for an appointment." It took more grace than I had not to let this woman know just how much I cared. I was then informed that there were no appointments available at times that I could make them. There was a moment of despair, doubt, and weakness that immediately followed. Talk about hitting a wall of hurt and discouragement. The upside is that I did receive another call later informing me that the doctor would work me in on Nov. 13th, so I have an appointment. The events of this week were leaving me feeling like an emotional mess, and then I received a note on facebook sharing with me a wonderful blog. I read about this woman's journey through infertility, loss, and adoption. I read about what she learned and what God has done in her life and was reminded yet again that I am not alone. Waiting is part of God's plan- saying this to myself over and over- waiting is a part of God's plan! What stuck out to me the most is how she clung to scripture. She wrote them down, dwelled on them, memorized them, repeated them, and knit them into her heart to speak truth to her at times like this. I want a fire and need for God's word like this woman. I want to wrap my heart in it and let it sink in to the depths of my soul. I need it. I need to invest more effort into knowing God's active voice so that when my doubts speak loudly I can tune them out. Thank God for putting His words on paper and allowing us to have access to them.

Ministry

Through everything Dave and I have been through I am finally starting to see God's workmanship. I am seeing ways that He has molded me and ways that He is starting to use what we have been through as a ministry. I have recently been able to connect with so many amazing women who have adopted, or who have been through infertility and loss. God has allowed me the privilege of sharing what He has done in my life and the hope and healing that He can bring! What a blessing to know that God is using my pain for a purpose. I found the most comfort in talking with wonderful women around me who had been through similar experiences as I have been through. I am so glad to be that woman for others now.
As many of you know I get to bring new life into this world on a nightly basis. I still struggle with loving women who have no appreciation for the gift that being able to carry and deliver a healthy baby is. I have sat with countless couples as they have celebrated, and I have sat with a few who delivered a baby who didn't make it and cried. My job has at times added an even deeper level of pain, but it is also adding an amazing layer of ministry. I have been able to share my story with co-workers and through that even share the amazing gospel of Jesus Christ and His ability to love and heal.
It has been 4 months now since we put down the burden of infertility and it has been the most amazing thing. Truly freeing. I have received healing and hope and cannot wait for God to make my story unique. I have put what I thought my life would look like and my time line at the foot of the cross and left it there.
We are still trying to settle things with my doctor in Apex and waiting for her to send the appropriate paper work to the adoption agency, so please keep that in your prayers. Anyone who is interested in knowing more about adoption and how to support us through it should read Adopted for Life: The Priority of Adoption for Christian Families and Churches by Russel D. Moore. This book opened my eyes and heart to the amazing ministry God has for adoption and certainly helped affirm that for us adoption is the way we want to start our family.
We will keep you updated!

Love, Crystal

whats next?

Sent in the preliminary application! Got news back, and already hit a road block- the agency wants a letter from Crystal's doctor who treated her for the eating disorder in high school. Since it was in 1999 this might be an issue. Please pray that we would be able to move forward and get this resolved.

Waiting

God has been teaching Dave and I a lot about waiting. It is good to know that a time of waiting is God's will, and that God hasn't simply just forgotten about us. We are doing something active and beneficial in waiting. We have been waiting on God to provide us with a child for almost 2 years. I read in my quiet time this morning about Abraham doing a lot of waiting and God telling him to go to this land now, so that you will receive your reward later. We are definitely in that later process. We started our adoption process 6 days ago, and will continue to share what God does during the waiting to get us ready for the later. If we have even an ounce of the faith Abraham had at the end of the waiting we will be very blessed. Soon, we will be updating friends and family on some preparations and things we are learning about adoption. Please pray for us in this time of waiting.

Refined by fire

Life has a funny way of turning out differently than what you originally planned. I feel God saying to me in every aspect of my life "You are not in control." For a control freak this is not an easy lesson to learn and accept. I started planning my life early, and by the age of 5 knew exactly how my life would be. Unfortunately I didn't figure out till recently that life is not about what I want, or the plans that I make. My life exists to serve, bring glory, and know God more. Through a series of hardships God has shown me that He is not my fairy God father, existing only to answer my prayers. He is a big powerful God who deserves my worship and faith even when I don't get what I want, or what I think I need. We are promised that we will struggle: "...In this world you will have trouble...", but somehow I missed that sermon growing up. Trouble has been a battle for me the past two years, and through it came brokeness, and through brokeness came faith and grace. I now understand what it means to have a faith built on rock and not on sand. Faith is truly about believing that God is good when you can't see good things around you, or feel good things inside you. God is good all the time. God was good when I miscarried our first two children, God was good when we lost over 50% of our income and struggled to pay bills, God is good when I deliver baby's whose mothers don't care about them, and God is good when Dave prays with a student who isn't sure they belive in God at all. The fires of life are hot, and they can leave you feeling burned. The beauty is the things that withstand the fire are refined and a little more pure than they were before. The great news is that "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble, BUT take heart! For I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Blogging

I have been challenged by some amazing women in my life to write. Since life has thrown more at me lately than ever before I figured this would be a great time to take up that challenge. So, here starts my adventure into the world of blogging. I hope that if anyone reads these they are uplifting and glorifying to God. He is all things to me and is in all things for me. I hope to share what life is throwing at us, and through it what God is teaching us. Enjoy!

-Crystal