There are often times where I know that there is a need in my life and yet I don't bring it before God. I think about it a lot, I allow it to bother me, but for some reason I don't speak it into words. I would never speak it out loud, but this time I didn't even speak it into silent words of prayer. I just allowed this longing to be. To just simply exist. I think that is why I was so shocked when God answered the longing. He answered the unspoken prayer with a loud and mighty YES. It is humbling to have one of your needs met before you even admit to it. I was immediately reminded of the scripture that talks about the holy spirit interceding for us in prayer. Romans 8:26 "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." I believe that the holy spirit took that need and put it into words that I could not express and interceded with God for me. That is an amazing thing to experience.
What I wanted was a friend, close to me, who was currently going through the adoption process. I felt guilty for wanting that. I have so much support around me, so many people who sympathize with us, but I secretly wanted someone to empathize with me. I wanted to sit around in a group of girls and complain about how hard the paper work is, and talk about what they are doing in the waiting, and what they are reading. I wanted to feel normal. I wanted to have the moments in a group full of people just like me, that my pregnant friends have with each other. But I didn't want to ask for such a selfish thing. Well, God gives above and beyond what we deserve.
Within the span of 3 days last week I received news from two couples that we are close to, that they are adopting. I didn't realize just how much I needed and wanted that until it happened. I wanted to shout, sing, dance, and immediately run over to their homes to have coffee and chat, which I did. I got my chance to be normal for an afternoon as I sat with one of the wives and we chatted about our experiences. Then I got to talk on the phone with the other wife about how excited she was and I am, and about our plans. I was given a gift that is beyond precious to me.
I now understand why David danced before the Lord, and the phrase "shout for joy".
Psalm 20:5 "We will shout for joy when you are victorious and will lift up our banners in the name of our God. May the LORD grant all your requests."
God granted an unspoken request that met an unspoken need from a Loud and Mighty God who loves me. I want to shout for joy that GOD IS THE GIVER OF ALL GOOD GIFTS!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
More of you and less of me
I was meeting with my mentor yesterday and she shared that her life has recently been full of examples where God is bringing about more of Him and less of her. She said that she could see God doing the same thing in my life. God becoming more and me becoming less. Her words didn't really impact me the way that they should have. I moved forward and continued the conversation and didn't think about it again, until today. I was sitting in my large overstuffed chair in the living room, snuggled in, to have some quiet time with the Lord. I began reading and praying through some scripture. I came across this scripture: Isaiah 53:4-5
"Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our sins; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed."
It was heart breaking. It opened up a place in my heart that aches, a place that knows how little credit I give my savior. He took my sin and my sorrow and carried them on his shoulders straight to the cross. It is only by his wounds that I find healing. It is all about what He did and not about what I am feeling. I can have peace because of His punishment. My healing is a direct result of His death. It is all about Him and not about me. The truth crashes in on you sometimes in a mighty way.
I continued to read scripture after scripture about Jesus being the one who sustains, the one who rescues, the one who rejoices over me, the one who strengthens my faith, the one who preserves life, the one who gives abundant life, the one who makes my path straight, the one who has depth of wisdom, the one who comforts, loves, and saves.
How could I not want more of Him and less of me? When I don't understand why the wait is taking so long, God has numbered the days. When I am hurting, God is comfort. When I am confused and don't understand God's plan, He knows every step. When I don't think I can trust, God gives the strength to believe. When I needed to be saved, Jesus wounded himself to make it happen. I need nothing more than to have more God in my life and less me.
It is an amazingly simple concept that can seem so complicated. If the trials we are going through in this life are producing more of Him and less of me then we are blessed beyond words. My prayer: Lord, let there be more of you and less of me. Who doesn't need more of our AMAZING God in their lives? He is the giver of ALL things. He is life.
"Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our sins; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed."
It was heart breaking. It opened up a place in my heart that aches, a place that knows how little credit I give my savior. He took my sin and my sorrow and carried them on his shoulders straight to the cross. It is only by his wounds that I find healing. It is all about what He did and not about what I am feeling. I can have peace because of His punishment. My healing is a direct result of His death. It is all about Him and not about me. The truth crashes in on you sometimes in a mighty way.
I continued to read scripture after scripture about Jesus being the one who sustains, the one who rescues, the one who rejoices over me, the one who strengthens my faith, the one who preserves life, the one who gives abundant life, the one who makes my path straight, the one who has depth of wisdom, the one who comforts, loves, and saves.
How could I not want more of Him and less of me? When I don't understand why the wait is taking so long, God has numbered the days. When I am hurting, God is comfort. When I am confused and don't understand God's plan, He knows every step. When I don't think I can trust, God gives the strength to believe. When I needed to be saved, Jesus wounded himself to make it happen. I need nothing more than to have more God in my life and less me.
It is an amazingly simple concept that can seem so complicated. If the trials we are going through in this life are producing more of Him and less of me then we are blessed beyond words. My prayer: Lord, let there be more of you and less of me. Who doesn't need more of our AMAZING God in their lives? He is the giver of ALL things. He is life.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Building the Nest
A very sweet friend at work encouraged me to start giving quick blog updates on the things I am doing to prepare for our baby. My first thought was that would be great if I were actually preparing. I have wanted to prepare. I have wanted to run to Babies R US and register, have showers, build a nursery, act like an expectant mommy, but in the end I have been paralyzed by fear and doubts. I have done nothing to prepare.
Today I was reading John 20:29 "Then Jesus told him, "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed."
Choosing to believe without seeing has been easy for me in regards to my faith in Jesus as the son of God, but when it comes to believing that God will bless us with a family my inner dialogue has been "I won't believe it until I see it." I have been quietly telling God- you will have to prove it to me before I will believe. I have been functioning under the lie that if I start preparing for this baby then I will have to wait longer, or even worse it will never happen. Your actions reflect what you truly believe.
It was obvious to me this morning that I am still not truly trusting that God can and will provide us with a child. If I believed that then I would be preparing for what I cannot see, but what I know is going to come. So, I decided that I have to take a leap of faith and start living like this is going to happen. To believe and with true belief take action. So today I didn't just jump, I leaped off the mountain!
Nesting step #1 was subscribing to a parenting magazine for adoptive families! I cannot wait to read and prepare to be the best mom I can be. I also made a wish list on amazon of the books that we want to read to our sweet little one to help them understand God's plan for their adoption. If you are curious, here is the link http://amzn.com/w/1HM8WPJBL490N.
I am going to act as if I believe, and through that I am hoping God will help heal my unbelief. I will update as I slowly add twigs to the nest!
Today I was reading John 20:29 "Then Jesus told him, "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed."
Choosing to believe without seeing has been easy for me in regards to my faith in Jesus as the son of God, but when it comes to believing that God will bless us with a family my inner dialogue has been "I won't believe it until I see it." I have been quietly telling God- you will have to prove it to me before I will believe. I have been functioning under the lie that if I start preparing for this baby then I will have to wait longer, or even worse it will never happen. Your actions reflect what you truly believe.
It was obvious to me this morning that I am still not truly trusting that God can and will provide us with a child. If I believed that then I would be preparing for what I cannot see, but what I know is going to come. So, I decided that I have to take a leap of faith and start living like this is going to happen. To believe and with true belief take action. So today I didn't just jump, I leaped off the mountain!
Nesting step #1 was subscribing to a parenting magazine for adoptive families! I cannot wait to read and prepare to be the best mom I can be. I also made a wish list on amazon of the books that we want to read to our sweet little one to help them understand God's plan for their adoption. If you are curious, here is the link http://amzn.com/w/1HM8WPJBL490N.
I am going to act as if I believe, and through that I am hoping God will help heal my unbelief. I will update as I slowly add twigs to the nest!
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
The We Factor
One early morning this week I walked into a dark quiet room to give my patient her pain medication, she turned to look at me and said "you are going to be such a blessing to your baby." She nearly had a sobbing nurse standing in her room at 5 am. It was from God's heart to her lips, words that drove directly to the inner most parts of my heart. A piece of encouragement that fit perfectly into the gaping hole just it's size in my chest. I needed that more than she could have ever known.
Getting off of my shift after another long night I was in the break room when one of our doctors came in. He quietly asked how things were going with our adoption. Who am I that someone should take the time to think about me and encourage me? This doctor who I respect very much is watching out for me. He thinks enough of me to take time out of his insane schedule to help find the missing piece to our family.
I am not an island. You are not an island. We are not meant to do life by ourselves. I have learned this lesson over and over again through the waiting more than at any other time in my life. I have never needed people to walk beside me more, and in the times where I have felt like the deserted Island God has placed some beautiful strangers in my life. It never fails that when I need encouragement God will use someone I least expect to offer it.
There is a nurse practitioner at work who I have met maybe 2 times, and she has heard that we are adopting. Now when I see her she asks how we are doing and tells me she has been praying for me and how encouraged she is by our story.
I was looking at baby furniture the other night, late at night at work online, and without saying a word a bunch of my co-workers asked to see, they ood and ahhed and made me feel like I was going to burst with happiness. It was one of my rare feeling like an expectant mommy moments. I have received so much kindness from unexpected places. People I barely know reading my blog and encouraging me.
I mentioned in my previous blog that being in this time of waiting has been uncomfortable for me. I don't know if I should set up a nursery, or wait till we get the call. I don't know if I should register, or if people will find that silly. I don't know when to have a shower, or what to tell people when they ask what we need. I don't know how to wait for an indefinite time period- the type A in me is cringing at the thought. At times I don't know how to relate to those around me. How do I explain why we are adopting, or that we really DO want to talk about our adoption.
What I do know is that we cannot get through this without the body of Christ. 1 Corinthians 12:12
" The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body. So it is with Christ." So we may be an arm in the body, but it takes the other arm to form an embrace and bring comfort. I could not be more thankful that at the times I truly need an embrace I have people in my life who offer to be the other half. They hold me up and offer me hope. From a girl in my youth group who cannot wait to help babysit, to a friend who wants to help me decorate the nursery, and my parents who talk about how excited they are non stop I could not be more involved in the body. Without We there is no me, I could not make it. Thank you to all of those people in my life who hold me up and keep me going. I will never be able to express in words what you mean to me.
Getting off of my shift after another long night I was in the break room when one of our doctors came in. He quietly asked how things were going with our adoption. Who am I that someone should take the time to think about me and encourage me? This doctor who I respect very much is watching out for me. He thinks enough of me to take time out of his insane schedule to help find the missing piece to our family.
I am not an island. You are not an island. We are not meant to do life by ourselves. I have learned this lesson over and over again through the waiting more than at any other time in my life. I have never needed people to walk beside me more, and in the times where I have felt like the deserted Island God has placed some beautiful strangers in my life. It never fails that when I need encouragement God will use someone I least expect to offer it.
There is a nurse practitioner at work who I have met maybe 2 times, and she has heard that we are adopting. Now when I see her she asks how we are doing and tells me she has been praying for me and how encouraged she is by our story.
I was looking at baby furniture the other night, late at night at work online, and without saying a word a bunch of my co-workers asked to see, they ood and ahhed and made me feel like I was going to burst with happiness. It was one of my rare feeling like an expectant mommy moments. I have received so much kindness from unexpected places. People I barely know reading my blog and encouraging me.
I mentioned in my previous blog that being in this time of waiting has been uncomfortable for me. I don't know if I should set up a nursery, or wait till we get the call. I don't know if I should register, or if people will find that silly. I don't know when to have a shower, or what to tell people when they ask what we need. I don't know how to wait for an indefinite time period- the type A in me is cringing at the thought. At times I don't know how to relate to those around me. How do I explain why we are adopting, or that we really DO want to talk about our adoption.
What I do know is that we cannot get through this without the body of Christ. 1 Corinthians 12:12
" The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body. So it is with Christ." So we may be an arm in the body, but it takes the other arm to form an embrace and bring comfort. I could not be more thankful that at the times I truly need an embrace I have people in my life who offer to be the other half. They hold me up and offer me hope. From a girl in my youth group who cannot wait to help babysit, to a friend who wants to help me decorate the nursery, and my parents who talk about how excited they are non stop I could not be more involved in the body. Without We there is no me, I could not make it. Thank you to all of those people in my life who hold me up and keep me going. I will never be able to express in words what you mean to me.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Square Peg Round Hole
I have been mulling this blog over in my head for weeks. I just couldn't find the exact right words, or I found them and decided that they may not be taken in the exact right way. I have had this feeling for months now that I just don't quite fit in. The phrase "square peg and round hole" is from a movie that I love. It fits how I feel perfectly. I am the square peg trying to fit into the round hole of life. I just don't quite fit right.
I have never fully understood the scripture 1 Peter 2:11"Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul." I understood the part about resisting sinful desires, that is obvious enough. It is the fact that Christians are being referred to as aliens or strangers in the world that left me confused. It means that they don't fit in, they are in a foreign place, they are not like others around them.
I have spent much of my life fitting in. I have always wanted to be liked. Being a part of a group and being seen as "one of them" was so important to me. I enjoy being comfortable and I am most comfortable when I am similar to the people around me. I love having things in common with people. I like feeling like I am a part of something. I would have died if someone had described me as an alien or a stranger. But I am beginning to understand exactly what that means and would even venture to say that I am slowly becoming what I have feared so much- I am different. I don't fit in. I am a stranger to this world.
This is not the part where I say that no one loves me or that you should feel bad for me because poor me doesn't fit in or have a group. This is the part where you should rejoice that I am no longer clinging to a dead world and dead things to find my identity.
When you make the decision to follow God's will in your life you almost immediately guarantee that you are going to be a stranger to this world. This world is all about following the most lucrative career path, seeking to do what pleases you, the life with 2.5 kids and the white picket fence. The world is about doing what makes you happy. God's will is exactly opposite of that. God doesn't want me to be happy, he wants me to be holy. He has lead Dave and I to choose careers that are in essence our ministry. We are there simply because God has called us there, not because it is what makes logical sense. We will never be wealthy, have power, or indulge in the best of what this world has to offer. In that way we are different.
But I think the most glaring difference for me has been the way that God is choosing to piece our family together. In a group full of pregnant women I am different. At a baby shower for friends I am different. When people talk about their parenting experiences I am different. I am different when people ask me if we have kids and I say we are adopting. I have in fact never felt so different. To be honest, being different has been a process of being uncomfortable. It turns out that I needed to be uncomfortable to see that God's calling on my life is supposed to be unique.
Where much of life is ordinary in these areas God's plan for my life is extraordinary. In my discomfort God is shaping me to be the woman that He wants me to be. My path seems crazy and haphazard to the world, but it makes a perfect picture in the hands of my creator. I do not belong to this world. I belong to Yahweh. The Most High God. God has a purpose and a plan for my life that will in the end make me holy. I am different because I am not my own. I am His. For the first time in my life I am glad that I do not fit in because it has forced me to run into the arms of the one who understands me.
This is where I have to make a disclaimer: Please know that this is just the way that God has chosen to show me that I need to run to him. I am not saying that having a good job or having kids means that you are the same as everyone else. Every plan is God's unique plan for that person. It just took God pointing out the differences in my life for me to realize that I need to run after him and not what I covet in other people's lives.
The reality is I am surrounded by people who are also strangers and aliens in this world. In our own ways we are all different. I am thankful for the examples in my life of men and women who choose every day to be what God has called them to be. I am glad that in the times in my life where I have cared more about fitting in then about standing out, God's grace never left me.
The letter of 1 Peter 1:1 begins with this opening
"Peter, an apostle of Jesus Christ, To God's elect, strangers in the world..." To the other strangers in the world, thank you for living life as an example for me.
I have never fully understood the scripture 1 Peter 2:11"Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul." I understood the part about resisting sinful desires, that is obvious enough. It is the fact that Christians are being referred to as aliens or strangers in the world that left me confused. It means that they don't fit in, they are in a foreign place, they are not like others around them.
I have spent much of my life fitting in. I have always wanted to be liked. Being a part of a group and being seen as "one of them" was so important to me. I enjoy being comfortable and I am most comfortable when I am similar to the people around me. I love having things in common with people. I like feeling like I am a part of something. I would have died if someone had described me as an alien or a stranger. But I am beginning to understand exactly what that means and would even venture to say that I am slowly becoming what I have feared so much- I am different. I don't fit in. I am a stranger to this world.
This is not the part where I say that no one loves me or that you should feel bad for me because poor me doesn't fit in or have a group. This is the part where you should rejoice that I am no longer clinging to a dead world and dead things to find my identity.
When you make the decision to follow God's will in your life you almost immediately guarantee that you are going to be a stranger to this world. This world is all about following the most lucrative career path, seeking to do what pleases you, the life with 2.5 kids and the white picket fence. The world is about doing what makes you happy. God's will is exactly opposite of that. God doesn't want me to be happy, he wants me to be holy. He has lead Dave and I to choose careers that are in essence our ministry. We are there simply because God has called us there, not because it is what makes logical sense. We will never be wealthy, have power, or indulge in the best of what this world has to offer. In that way we are different.
But I think the most glaring difference for me has been the way that God is choosing to piece our family together. In a group full of pregnant women I am different. At a baby shower for friends I am different. When people talk about their parenting experiences I am different. I am different when people ask me if we have kids and I say we are adopting. I have in fact never felt so different. To be honest, being different has been a process of being uncomfortable. It turns out that I needed to be uncomfortable to see that God's calling on my life is supposed to be unique.
Where much of life is ordinary in these areas God's plan for my life is extraordinary. In my discomfort God is shaping me to be the woman that He wants me to be. My path seems crazy and haphazard to the world, but it makes a perfect picture in the hands of my creator. I do not belong to this world. I belong to Yahweh. The Most High God. God has a purpose and a plan for my life that will in the end make me holy. I am different because I am not my own. I am His. For the first time in my life I am glad that I do not fit in because it has forced me to run into the arms of the one who understands me.
This is where I have to make a disclaimer: Please know that this is just the way that God has chosen to show me that I need to run to him. I am not saying that having a good job or having kids means that you are the same as everyone else. Every plan is God's unique plan for that person. It just took God pointing out the differences in my life for me to realize that I need to run after him and not what I covet in other people's lives.
The reality is I am surrounded by people who are also strangers and aliens in this world. In our own ways we are all different. I am thankful for the examples in my life of men and women who choose every day to be what God has called them to be. I am glad that in the times in my life where I have cared more about fitting in then about standing out, God's grace never left me.
The letter of 1 Peter 1:1 begins with this opening
"Peter, an apostle of Jesus Christ, To God's elect, strangers in the world..." To the other strangers in the world, thank you for living life as an example for me.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Waiting not wasting
So many of us spend our whole lives waiting. We begin waiting for the day that we will get our license, then the day that we will graduate high school, then we cannot wait until we graduate college. We wait for God to bring Mr/Mrs right, then we wait for God to bless us with the dream job, and then we wait for God to grow our family. We spend so much time waiting for the next best thing. I came to that reality check at the beginning of this summer. I have spent the last 2 years just waiting. Waiting for Dave to finish school, waiting for my job to get easier, and most importantly waiting for God to bless us with a child. The sad part of this realization is that a lot of that time spent waiting was actually wasting the opportunity to live. I wanted the next best thing so bad that I forgot to try and live in what God is currently giving and doing. Dave and I sat down at the start of this summer and decided that waiting should be living, not wasting. So we began a summer of adventure. We started off by backpacking through Northern Cali for almost two weeks, then off to the mountain house for a week, then the beach house for a little over a week, then Washington DC, a high school reunion, and we are closing our adventure out with a close friend's wedding. We have truly delighted in the blessings God has given us. We have admired the amazing creative hand of God under the largest trees in the world. We have sat on a bench in down town Blowing Rock eating (full fat) ice cream and loving it. We have watched the sun set on top of the widows watch at the beach. We traveled through history in DC, and have spent more days this summer just holding hands and enjoying each others company than we have in all of last year combined. Now that is living! I am so thankful that God has awakened my desire to live and not waste any more time waiting. Now begins the real challenge...our adventures are quickly coming to an end. Dave will return to school in a few weeks. I am back at work with no vacation time planned in the near future. Our phone has not rang with the amazing news that we are going to be parents. We are still in a time of waiting. My prayer now is that in the midst of the mundane and waiting that I will continue to live in the blessings that I already have. Psalm 90:12" Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom." Through waiting I am slowly gaining a heart of wisdom. God has asked me to wait, not to waste the time He has given me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)