Teachable moments

I am going to rename this blog teachable moments. That is what this blog is. It is me sharing the moments in my life when I actually allow God to teach me something. It is the aha moments. The moments in my life that are worth sharing. This week our home study was scheduled for Wedn morning. I was supposed to be blogging about how amazing it is to be done with this process and how hopeful and excited I feel. Instead, I crawled into my car after a long night shift and checked my phone. The text message read: Crystal, I am so sorry to do this, but I woke up with a fever,chills, and body aches, and I have to cancel our visit for today. Again, I am sorry.
All of the anticipation, hope, and joy came crashing down with one simple text.
Are you kidding me? Of all the days that our social worker would wake up sick, it just happens to be our home study. Of all of the months to get the flu- May?! Is this a sick joke? Well, add it to the list of road blocks. Of course you have to cancel, nothing can be easy...that was the running dialogue in my head as I drove home. Angry. God, how do you explain this?
I forced myself to turn on the Christian radio station, and even thought- I am not singing though. Beth Moore came on and said "Have you ever had those situations that you just don't know how to deal with? You don't have a file for this. You don't know how to respond. That is when we need to pray for wisdom." All I could think was that is exactly how I feel. I don't have a file for this. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know how to respond in faith. Well, I guess I should ask for wisdom. That is exactly what I did.
Last night I got in my car for my 1 hour drive to work and wisdom fell like rain. I was listening to my favorite worship song (you hold me now), and the end keeps repeating "your kingdom come, your will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven." That struck me. God's will is Heavenly and when it is lived out here on Earth it may not look like we think it should. But, it is divine and perfect. When I ask for God's will (which I frequently do), I am asking for a Heaven inspired plan that will probably not make much Earthly sense. I started to pray...Lord, I believe that your plan is perfect and that this timing is there to lead me to the child you have chosen for me. In a still moment God spoke directly to my heart this question: do you really believe that? The answer was evident... no. I am that father in Mark 9:26 that yells out to Jesus "I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief." I was telling God what I thought I should say and in that moment realized that I didn't believe it. I felt the immediate need to confess my unbelief. I began to confess my doubts, fears, emotions. I felt the reassurance of the love of my father wash over me. I acknowledged the unbelief and allowed God to soothe my frustrated heart. It was good. It was so good.
That was a teachable moment. That was God giving me the wisdom I asked for. From now on I am not going to ask for God to fix situations, I am going to ask for the wisdom to understand the heavenly will of God.