I've been defined by numbers for as long as I can remember. When I was young it was: How many siblings do you have? How old are you? But as early as middle school it became: How much do you weigh? What size clothes do you wear? And those continued on into adulthood. Slowly I added How many calories? How long did you workout? To top off all of those numbers: How many kids do you have? was added to the long list of numbers that have defined me.
For women especially we are bombarded by numbers that try to define us. For much of my life the number on the scale and on the inside of my clothes has determined my mood, self worth, and so much more. It is exhausting to be a slave to these numbers. Even if you achieve those perfect numbers they never fill you with all the things you are searching for.
My journey has included an eating disorder, anxiety, depression, and a life long battle to take back the battle ground that is my heart and mind. It hasn't been a pretty journey by any means, but the battle to be defined by something besides a number was well worth it. That 13 year old mean girl that lived in my mind constantly belittling God's marvelous creation has now been silenced (on most days).
Working out is no longer to punish myself for having that slice of pizza and lose something. It is to gain strength and sanity. It is a nice thing I do for myself because I value the temple God lives in. I eat to be filled with the right things instead of starving myself of nutrition and depriving myself of the "wrong" things. I fill my mind with God's opinion of me and attempt to tune out the harsh opinion of the media and others around me.
I started this journey to be a health coach because I want to share this freedom with other women. Being healthy has has very little to do with a number. I want to help women discover the true health that comes from being fully alive.
Ephesians 3:19
" May you experience the love of Christ though it is too great to fully understand. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God."
If you need a cheerleader to walk beside you to help you find your health and freedom It would be my privilege to cheer you on!
Monday, December 15, 2014
Friday, January 13, 2012
HOPE
Adoption is a gift that not many people will have the chance to experience. I have experienced more love, and support through this journey then I could have ever imagined. The blessing of being surrounded by people who are truly invested in your story is like no other. My cup has runneth over. The joy and tears expressed by so many over the gift of our sweet baby boy has been countless. I am convinced that this is God's sacred gift to mom's who adopt. Though you don't get to have your family in the waiting room while you give birth, you get to tell your special story of how God brought your family together in such a unique way to people over and over.
I was given the amazing gift of being allowed to speak at our church on Christmas Eve. Not many people get to privilege of being able stand up in front of 500 people and give God the glory for what he has done in their life. I cannot put into words how special this moment was to me. God spent the last four years of my life refining, stretching, and growing me. He took me from discontent and hopeless to full of hope and contentment, all without changing one single part of my circumstances. Now of course my circumstances have changed completely. I am a new mom. I have a new job. We are a working family of 3. I have a feeling the refining process has only begun. I am already being tested and grown. God is showing me areas of sin I didn't know existed. He is also allowing me to experience unspeakable joy.
God is so good and He is always faithful to walk with me through every step of my journey. Thank you for being a part of the infertility then adoption journey with us. Thank you for every word of encouragement, prayer, words of excitement and joy, meal, hug, and tear that you have shared with us. I could never put into words what those have meant to us. Levi has a very special extended family. I cannot wait to see how God uses Levi's story to bring joy and glory to His name.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Relentless Hope
It has been a long time since I have blogged. I have noticed that the length of time between each blog has become increasingly long. I was thinking about that today and I believe that is because the original intention of this blog has changed. The broken person that first began blogging is vastly different than the woman that I am today. The story that originally was being written has been not necessarily resolved, but taken a turn towards being healed.
This blog started as a place for me to deal with the pain of infertility and how that pain affected everything in my life, but that pain mostly affected the way that I viewed God. Looking back on old entries I can see my struggle to reconcile a loving God with a bad circumstance.
Thankfully, God used that pain in my life to reveal the shifting sand that my faith was built on. He also revealed that I was putting my hope in everything but Him. Once all of that crud was removed I was left to rebuild my faith and re place my hope. God graciously came along side of me and loved me to a place where I intimately know Him and depend on Him. I understand God's character in a way that I never did. I now understand that what Satan means for evil, God always uses for our good. I understand that God's character and goodness have nothing to do with my circumstance, and that in the midst of pain God is right beside me. I have hope in Him alone. I know that in ALL things God is good, I know that deep in the core of my soul.
I have the peace that comes when you know that no matter what you face God is good and God is with you. I wouldn't change what I have learned for anything. I have also learned perspective. The pain that I have experienced in my life is nothing in comparison to the challenges and pain my brothers and sister in Christ face all over the world. Many people would take my pain in exchange for theirs any day. All of that to say, I think the focus of this blog is due to shift. I am in an intense time of learning. Growing. God is creating in me a fierce passion for Him. I am in fact learning at such a rapid pace that taking time to put the lessons into words has been difficult. Thus the long break in blogging.
On to lesson 1, which by the way I will always be in the process of learning, so summarizing it in a few sentences will NOT do it justice. As I said before, I am learning to hope in God alone. He is building in me a relentless hope. One that is fierce and full of persistence. He is using a book called Relentless Hope to aid me in that growth. I am learning about the faith of others that are willing to grow to the point where they believe that there is no circumstance in which God can't use the circumstance for His glory and our greater good. People who knew that their calling to the mission field would bring their death, not maybe, but most certainly bring death, but had relentless hope in the eternal reward waiting for them. " Not casual hope, not hope when it is convenient, but a relentless, barreling toward it, life-changing, deal-breaking, kind of hope". God has been relentless about healing my wounds and coming after my heart even when I wasn't trusting in him, even when I grossly misunderstood His character. Through that relentless love He is demonstrating to me a way to have relentless faith and hope.
Lesson #2, God is most certainly right in the midst of my storms.
Matthew 8:23-27
" Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. Suddenly a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!” He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.
The men were amazed and asked, “What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!”"
Some of the disciples were fisherman. They had probably been in many a boat when storms came up- and until this point they had always been able to handle those storms. The disciples also had been living life with Jesus- they had seen the miracles, and knew his character, yet we find them freaking out in the middle of a storm questioning what Jesus is doing and if He can save them. I just heard a sermon preached on this passage and it was so simple, and yet so hard to practice. I am just like those disciples, in the midst of the storm, I totally forget who Jesus is and where He is, especially when my own efforts fail. I constantly have to re learn that Jesus is in the boat. He is not on the shore watching me flail and scream for help. He is in my boat- smack dab in the middle of my storm with me. Lest I forget- He is more than able to calm every wave, because all of life is obedient to Him. There is nothing in which God cannot control and use for my good. Whether God chooses to calm my storm or take my life by storm, He is God and He is good.
I am so thankful that this blog is due for a turn on my journey. Without the journey of pain chronicled before this I would not be where I am today.
This blog started as a place for me to deal with the pain of infertility and how that pain affected everything in my life, but that pain mostly affected the way that I viewed God. Looking back on old entries I can see my struggle to reconcile a loving God with a bad circumstance.
Thankfully, God used that pain in my life to reveal the shifting sand that my faith was built on. He also revealed that I was putting my hope in everything but Him. Once all of that crud was removed I was left to rebuild my faith and re place my hope. God graciously came along side of me and loved me to a place where I intimately know Him and depend on Him. I understand God's character in a way that I never did. I now understand that what Satan means for evil, God always uses for our good. I understand that God's character and goodness have nothing to do with my circumstance, and that in the midst of pain God is right beside me. I have hope in Him alone. I know that in ALL things God is good, I know that deep in the core of my soul.
I have the peace that comes when you know that no matter what you face God is good and God is with you. I wouldn't change what I have learned for anything. I have also learned perspective. The pain that I have experienced in my life is nothing in comparison to the challenges and pain my brothers and sister in Christ face all over the world. Many people would take my pain in exchange for theirs any day. All of that to say, I think the focus of this blog is due to shift. I am in an intense time of learning. Growing. God is creating in me a fierce passion for Him. I am in fact learning at such a rapid pace that taking time to put the lessons into words has been difficult. Thus the long break in blogging.
On to lesson 1, which by the way I will always be in the process of learning, so summarizing it in a few sentences will NOT do it justice. As I said before, I am learning to hope in God alone. He is building in me a relentless hope. One that is fierce and full of persistence. He is using a book called Relentless Hope to aid me in that growth. I am learning about the faith of others that are willing to grow to the point where they believe that there is no circumstance in which God can't use the circumstance for His glory and our greater good. People who knew that their calling to the mission field would bring their death, not maybe, but most certainly bring death, but had relentless hope in the eternal reward waiting for them. " Not casual hope, not hope when it is convenient, but a relentless, barreling toward it, life-changing, deal-breaking, kind of hope". God has been relentless about healing my wounds and coming after my heart even when I wasn't trusting in him, even when I grossly misunderstood His character. Through that relentless love He is demonstrating to me a way to have relentless faith and hope.
Lesson #2, God is most certainly right in the midst of my storms.
Matthew 8:23-27
" Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. Suddenly a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!” He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.
The men were amazed and asked, “What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!”"
Some of the disciples were fisherman. They had probably been in many a boat when storms came up- and until this point they had always been able to handle those storms. The disciples also had been living life with Jesus- they had seen the miracles, and knew his character, yet we find them freaking out in the middle of a storm questioning what Jesus is doing and if He can save them. I just heard a sermon preached on this passage and it was so simple, and yet so hard to practice. I am just like those disciples, in the midst of the storm, I totally forget who Jesus is and where He is, especially when my own efforts fail. I constantly have to re learn that Jesus is in the boat. He is not on the shore watching me flail and scream for help. He is in my boat- smack dab in the middle of my storm with me. Lest I forget- He is more than able to calm every wave, because all of life is obedient to Him. There is nothing in which God cannot control and use for my good. Whether God chooses to calm my storm or take my life by storm, He is God and He is good.
I am so thankful that this blog is due for a turn on my journey. Without the journey of pain chronicled before this I would not be where I am today.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Love Costs Everything
It feels like so long since I have written. Hitting the keys and processing what I have been learning into words almost feels foreign. I can't really explain why I haven't had the desire to sit down and mull through all that I have been learning, except that what I have been learning has been almost too precious and feels too close to share. That was until this past week.
I just got back from a youth conference called Christ In Youth- or CIY. We took 20 teenagers to the conference. I have been on youth trips before, and I always get something out of the trips. The worship is usually amazing, and the speakers are entertaining, but this trip was something I never saw coming. The theme for the week was " Love Costs Everything", well that was the theme that resonated with me. We read stories about Daniel, Rahab, John the Baptist, and Josiah. They were all faced with situations where following their faith could cost them their lives. Their love for God was so great that they were willing to choose God over life on Earth. Those stories were powerful, but nothing compared to the stories of the martyrs and the persecuted that were told over the next few days.
There are approx 100- 200 million Christians in our world being severely persecuted or killed for their faith.
"What if we weren’t allowed to have sanctuaries? What if there were no cathedrals? Would we still have a church? This is a reality for nearly two hundred million Christians around the world. Daily, they risk their lives simply because they believe in Jesus. They could surrender, or convert, or quit but the love of Jesus is worth the sacrifice. For many of them, this road leads to death."- CIY MOVE
I watched story after story of people today who are faced with this question- Die and give up everything or continue to proclaim your faith in Jesus. I watched story after story of men and women who boldly chose Jesus and paid with their lives and the lives of their families. I watched the interviews of people who after just losing loved ones praised God for working through that painful situation. I watched a mother and her children literally proclaim the love and faithfulness of God as they scooped up the body of their father who had just been shot and put him into their car. I watched the story of a man who baptized the three men who raped and beat his wife close to death. I heard a missionary speak of how he prayed and baptized the leader of an extremist group who tried to kill him and the missionaries with him. I saw grace and forgiveness lived out on a scale that I cannot even imagine. I saw a group of people so convinced of God's love for them and God's trustworthiness that they were willing to give everything, and not only to give everything, but to do it without doubt, question, anger, and with JOY.
Philippians 1: 21 "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." Paul said this as he sat in prison. I have never truly understood this verse. Then I saw this verse lived out. I heard a man who was about to die say this verse. He meant every word. He understood that to live for Christ is great, but to die for Christ and to be with God in Heaven is even better, especially when over 200 people come to know the Lord at your funeral, as the people in Columbia did at this man's funeral.
Love Costs Everything. Being a Christians has a steep cost for most of the people in this world. What does it cost those of us here in America? We allow our religious freedom to lull us into a lazy stupor. We take for granted that there is a church on every corner and we choose to sleep in on Sunday mornings. We neglect to read daily the word of God, when there are 12 Bible's in our homes. We don't share the love of Christ with others, even though most likely we won't be taking a bullet for it, but maybe only risking a roll of someone's eyes. Our religious freedom in the United States has caused us to take God for granted. Love Costs Everything. What is it costing me? It should cost me something. What value is there in something that costs nothing? If we are given something for free and lose it, it doesn't bother us, but if we spend our hard earned money on something and lose it, then we are upset. Living as a believer should cost you something. It cost Jesus His life! He gave his everything because He loved us. What are you giving?
It should cost us our finances, our time, our comfort, our devotion, our life plans, our everything belongs to Christ. I was wrecked by my laziness, apathy, pitiful complaints of how "hard" life is. I repented with weeping after watching true faith played out on the video screens. I will not allow the freedom we have here to lull me into going through the motions of faith, and not giving everything. I am so thankful to worship a God who deserves everything. I am overwhelmed by a love that cost him everything. I want to give Him my everything. I am broken for the Christians of this world who are murdered and beaten daily just because of what they believe. I am ashamed that I had no idea what most of them were going through. I am sad to say that until this past week I thought little of the Christians outside of my world, and prayed even less. I am committed to praying with a larger world view now. I don't want to forget what others are sacrificing for their faith.
Join me. Pray for those in Iraq, India, Columbia, North Korea, and all over who are giving their everything to see people come to know Christ. Don't allow our religious freedom to really put us in the prison of laziness and apathy. Open your Bible daily, consume the word the way these people do, like it might be your last chance. Go to church and become a part of the body who serves, like these people do, because their life literally depends on it. Trust God and love God with all that you are, the way these people do because you are convinced without a shadow of a doubt that HE IS WORTHY.
May love cost us everything.
http://2011.ciy.com/move/lovecostseverything
I just got back from a youth conference called Christ In Youth- or CIY. We took 20 teenagers to the conference. I have been on youth trips before, and I always get something out of the trips. The worship is usually amazing, and the speakers are entertaining, but this trip was something I never saw coming. The theme for the week was " Love Costs Everything", well that was the theme that resonated with me. We read stories about Daniel, Rahab, John the Baptist, and Josiah. They were all faced with situations where following their faith could cost them their lives. Their love for God was so great that they were willing to choose God over life on Earth. Those stories were powerful, but nothing compared to the stories of the martyrs and the persecuted that were told over the next few days.
There are approx 100- 200 million Christians in our world being severely persecuted or killed for their faith.
"What if we weren’t allowed to have sanctuaries? What if there were no cathedrals? Would we still have a church? This is a reality for nearly two hundred million Christians around the world. Daily, they risk their lives simply because they believe in Jesus. They could surrender, or convert, or quit but the love of Jesus is worth the sacrifice. For many of them, this road leads to death."- CIY MOVE
I watched story after story of people today who are faced with this question- Die and give up everything or continue to proclaim your faith in Jesus. I watched story after story of men and women who boldly chose Jesus and paid with their lives and the lives of their families. I watched the interviews of people who after just losing loved ones praised God for working through that painful situation. I watched a mother and her children literally proclaim the love and faithfulness of God as they scooped up the body of their father who had just been shot and put him into their car. I watched the story of a man who baptized the three men who raped and beat his wife close to death. I heard a missionary speak of how he prayed and baptized the leader of an extremist group who tried to kill him and the missionaries with him. I saw grace and forgiveness lived out on a scale that I cannot even imagine. I saw a group of people so convinced of God's love for them and God's trustworthiness that they were willing to give everything, and not only to give everything, but to do it without doubt, question, anger, and with JOY.
Philippians 1: 21 "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." Paul said this as he sat in prison. I have never truly understood this verse. Then I saw this verse lived out. I heard a man who was about to die say this verse. He meant every word. He understood that to live for Christ is great, but to die for Christ and to be with God in Heaven is even better, especially when over 200 people come to know the Lord at your funeral, as the people in Columbia did at this man's funeral.
Love Costs Everything. Being a Christians has a steep cost for most of the people in this world. What does it cost those of us here in America? We allow our religious freedom to lull us into a lazy stupor. We take for granted that there is a church on every corner and we choose to sleep in on Sunday mornings. We neglect to read daily the word of God, when there are 12 Bible's in our homes. We don't share the love of Christ with others, even though most likely we won't be taking a bullet for it, but maybe only risking a roll of someone's eyes. Our religious freedom in the United States has caused us to take God for granted. Love Costs Everything. What is it costing me? It should cost me something. What value is there in something that costs nothing? If we are given something for free and lose it, it doesn't bother us, but if we spend our hard earned money on something and lose it, then we are upset. Living as a believer should cost you something. It cost Jesus His life! He gave his everything because He loved us. What are you giving?
It should cost us our finances, our time, our comfort, our devotion, our life plans, our everything belongs to Christ. I was wrecked by my laziness, apathy, pitiful complaints of how "hard" life is. I repented with weeping after watching true faith played out on the video screens. I will not allow the freedom we have here to lull me into going through the motions of faith, and not giving everything. I am so thankful to worship a God who deserves everything. I am overwhelmed by a love that cost him everything. I want to give Him my everything. I am broken for the Christians of this world who are murdered and beaten daily just because of what they believe. I am ashamed that I had no idea what most of them were going through. I am sad to say that until this past week I thought little of the Christians outside of my world, and prayed even less. I am committed to praying with a larger world view now. I don't want to forget what others are sacrificing for their faith.
Join me. Pray for those in Iraq, India, Columbia, North Korea, and all over who are giving their everything to see people come to know Christ. Don't allow our religious freedom to really put us in the prison of laziness and apathy. Open your Bible daily, consume the word the way these people do, like it might be your last chance. Go to church and become a part of the body who serves, like these people do, because their life literally depends on it. Trust God and love God with all that you are, the way these people do because you are convinced without a shadow of a doubt that HE IS WORTHY.
May love cost us everything.
http://2011.ciy.com/move/lovecostseverything
Monday, May 9, 2011
shift in focus
I made it. I woke up yesterday morning with the same sense of dread I had been anticipating all week. I felt a little sick to my stomach, and all I wanted to do was stay in my PJ's, drink lots of coffee, and run away in to a novel that had absolutely nothing to do with reality. The good news is that God was not allowing that option. I was committed to bring donuts and do the "youth hang out" on Sunday morning before church. I climbed in the shower and breathed out one simple prayer "Lord, I am broken today. Please help me." One foot in front of the other I got dressed and made it to church. I smiled, said the words that were stuck in my throat "happy mothers day", and stood up to get ready to worship.
Singing praises to God was like a cool salve on aching wounds and slowly my focus shifted from my pain to my savior. I sang these words "There is nothing Lord, that I want more, than to follow you." God in a very loving fatherly way whispered back "are you sure?" I woke up wanting nothing more than to be a mother on mothers day. I wasn't being beaten up or chastised by the Lord, I was being gently reminded that I needed to shift my focus. I began to sing that line like I wanted it and to quietly pray that God would build in me a desire for him that far out weighed my desire to be a mom.
Next song I sang out "beautiful Jesus, beautiful savior, nothing is greater, brilliant creator, friend of mine." Again God softly whispered back, do you really believe that nothing is greater than me? I woke up thinking nothing would be greater than being a mom. Immediately a senses of brokenness and repentance flooded through me. I began to sing that song like I believed it. I prayed that God would show me nothing is greater than Him. I didn't need to be a mom this mothers day. I needed to remember that there is nothing that I want more than to know my God who is greater than anything here on this Earth.
I was already beginning to settle into the love, comfort, and peace God was providing on this difficult day. Then pastor Matt stood up on stage and knocked me over with a need so great it made me feel physically ill. He said approx 996,000 people in Charlotte need the Lord, basically 83% of the people where I live are in need of salvation. Out of the 106,000 evangelical churches 100,000 of them did not see even 1 person come to know Christ last year. Not even one. And to top things off 98% of Christians have never shared their faith.
O Lord, we are in desperate need to share the secret to fulfillment in you. I know the way to a life that means more than just living day to day on this Earth and I must share it. I have the key to eternal life and so many die every day and go to Hell. Lord, forgive me for focusing on myself. Forgive me for waking up and the first person I feel for and think about is me. Help me Jesus because I need to shift my focus. There is so much work to be done for the kingdom and the focused workers are few. That wasn't really what I expected mothers day to be like. I am so thankful for a God that decided to meet me right where I was yesterday. He reached down and pulled me out of the slimy pit of self pity and set me on the rock of salvation and urged me forward to serve Him.
As church was ending I had a renewed focus and a renewed sense of purpose that God had lovingly placed in my aching heart. I was about to leave when one of the women from church came up and wrapped her arms around me. She said she had a gift for me. While sitting behind me at church God had spoken a word to her. He wanted her to tell me that he does hear my prayers. God had a word just for me. God had a plan for my Mother's Day.
Singing praises to God was like a cool salve on aching wounds and slowly my focus shifted from my pain to my savior. I sang these words "There is nothing Lord, that I want more, than to follow you." God in a very loving fatherly way whispered back "are you sure?" I woke up wanting nothing more than to be a mother on mothers day. I wasn't being beaten up or chastised by the Lord, I was being gently reminded that I needed to shift my focus. I began to sing that line like I wanted it and to quietly pray that God would build in me a desire for him that far out weighed my desire to be a mom.
Next song I sang out "beautiful Jesus, beautiful savior, nothing is greater, brilliant creator, friend of mine." Again God softly whispered back, do you really believe that nothing is greater than me? I woke up thinking nothing would be greater than being a mom. Immediately a senses of brokenness and repentance flooded through me. I began to sing that song like I believed it. I prayed that God would show me nothing is greater than Him. I didn't need to be a mom this mothers day. I needed to remember that there is nothing that I want more than to know my God who is greater than anything here on this Earth.
I was already beginning to settle into the love, comfort, and peace God was providing on this difficult day. Then pastor Matt stood up on stage and knocked me over with a need so great it made me feel physically ill. He said approx 996,000 people in Charlotte need the Lord, basically 83% of the people where I live are in need of salvation. Out of the 106,000 evangelical churches 100,000 of them did not see even 1 person come to know Christ last year. Not even one. And to top things off 98% of Christians have never shared their faith.
O Lord, we are in desperate need to share the secret to fulfillment in you. I know the way to a life that means more than just living day to day on this Earth and I must share it. I have the key to eternal life and so many die every day and go to Hell. Lord, forgive me for focusing on myself. Forgive me for waking up and the first person I feel for and think about is me. Help me Jesus because I need to shift my focus. There is so much work to be done for the kingdom and the focused workers are few. That wasn't really what I expected mothers day to be like. I am so thankful for a God that decided to meet me right where I was yesterday. He reached down and pulled me out of the slimy pit of self pity and set me on the rock of salvation and urged me forward to serve Him.
As church was ending I had a renewed focus and a renewed sense of purpose that God had lovingly placed in my aching heart. I was about to leave when one of the women from church came up and wrapped her arms around me. She said she had a gift for me. While sitting behind me at church God had spoken a word to her. He wanted her to tell me that he does hear my prayers. God had a word just for me. God had a plan for my Mother's Day.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
God loves ugly
There is no place in the world that I feel more inadequate than at work. I attempt to pray, memorize scripture, listen to sermons and praise music, and put as much "holy armor" on as possible on my way to work. My car is a place where I ready myself for the spiritual battle that inevitably will take place once I walk through the doors. For about the last year I walk through those doors, the wind hits me, and immediately every piece of armor I have so carefully put into place is blown away in seconds. I am left standing there exposed, and what is underneath is not always pretty. In fact it is sometimes hideous.
God has increasingly used this place to point out my glaring short falls and ugly imperfections. That is probably why at times I dislike going so much. And Satan has used this place to gain a foothold in my life. My "fake it till you make it" philosophy has slowly began to crack under pressure and that perfect image that I tried so hard to craft has fallen away to reveal in all of my humility that I am an imperfect mess who is only functional by the saving grace of Jesus. The words of my mouth reveal the state of my heart, and lets just say it isn't always positive or even beneficial to those who listen. I used to feel like God used infertility as his main tool to sharpen and mold me, and now I am quite sure my career as a nurse has become his new tool of refinement. I am in such need of it.
I face down one of my greatest desires each time I enter into those doors. I help others become mothers night after night and the ugly demons of anger, resentment, doubt, and pride (I deserve to be a mom more than she does) show up regularly. I constantly have to face my increasing doubt that God will in fact provide this sweet gift to me one day as well, and that His plan for me is perfect. Satan takes every advantage with each delivery to make me doubt this. I forget to do things and make mistakes- I am not a perfect person and the work load is so much to bear. I have a hard time accepting that I am not perfect and I cannot help but be consumed with trying to be at work- there is no escaping it. I have difficulty sharing Jesus with my coworkers and often times settle with longing to be accepted over doing what is right. I allow myself to wallow in negativity and my tongue to say things it should not. I allow Satan to use these struggles to convince me that I am a failure, and that I will never be good enough. Confronting the truth this week was not easy.
I started reading a book given to me by a friend called "God loves ugly", and my need to hear this couldn't have been more prevalent than this week. My failures and short comings sometimes overwhelm me to the point that I feel I cannot stand up under them. God loves ugly. God loves my broken, sinful, messed up self enough to use my job, infertility, and so many other things to refine me into something beautiful. The fact is he even uses the ugly for his beautiful glory. He loves me just as I am, but loves me too much to leave me that way. God is becoming more and I am becoming less. If I didn't have things in my life to remind me that I could not do it without God, I would most definitely be tempted to live my life without Him. I am so thankful for my inability to fake it any more. It is good for my soul to be faced with my impossibilities because God's love for me has never been so real and so needed. I long to want God more each day. I long to be beautiful because of Him, not to try to be beautiful for my own glory. If I didn't have things that regularly reminded me of just how inadequate my feeble attempts are then I would live life relying on myself. What good is that life?
When you lay the ugly in the light and allow God to see it and heal it you begin a journey to becoming amazingly covered by the beautiful blood of Christ. You then become consumed with people seeing the beautiful Jesus in you, not the fake perfection you put up. God loves ugly. God takes ugly and makes it truly beautiful in His time.
Ecclesiastes 3:11 (New International Version, ©2011)
" He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. "
God has increasingly used this place to point out my glaring short falls and ugly imperfections. That is probably why at times I dislike going so much. And Satan has used this place to gain a foothold in my life. My "fake it till you make it" philosophy has slowly began to crack under pressure and that perfect image that I tried so hard to craft has fallen away to reveal in all of my humility that I am an imperfect mess who is only functional by the saving grace of Jesus. The words of my mouth reveal the state of my heart, and lets just say it isn't always positive or even beneficial to those who listen. I used to feel like God used infertility as his main tool to sharpen and mold me, and now I am quite sure my career as a nurse has become his new tool of refinement. I am in such need of it.
I face down one of my greatest desires each time I enter into those doors. I help others become mothers night after night and the ugly demons of anger, resentment, doubt, and pride (I deserve to be a mom more than she does) show up regularly. I constantly have to face my increasing doubt that God will in fact provide this sweet gift to me one day as well, and that His plan for me is perfect. Satan takes every advantage with each delivery to make me doubt this. I forget to do things and make mistakes- I am not a perfect person and the work load is so much to bear. I have a hard time accepting that I am not perfect and I cannot help but be consumed with trying to be at work- there is no escaping it. I have difficulty sharing Jesus with my coworkers and often times settle with longing to be accepted over doing what is right. I allow myself to wallow in negativity and my tongue to say things it should not. I allow Satan to use these struggles to convince me that I am a failure, and that I will never be good enough. Confronting the truth this week was not easy.
I started reading a book given to me by a friend called "God loves ugly", and my need to hear this couldn't have been more prevalent than this week. My failures and short comings sometimes overwhelm me to the point that I feel I cannot stand up under them. God loves ugly. God loves my broken, sinful, messed up self enough to use my job, infertility, and so many other things to refine me into something beautiful. The fact is he even uses the ugly for his beautiful glory. He loves me just as I am, but loves me too much to leave me that way. God is becoming more and I am becoming less. If I didn't have things in my life to remind me that I could not do it without God, I would most definitely be tempted to live my life without Him. I am so thankful for my inability to fake it any more. It is good for my soul to be faced with my impossibilities because God's love for me has never been so real and so needed. I long to want God more each day. I long to be beautiful because of Him, not to try to be beautiful for my own glory. If I didn't have things that regularly reminded me of just how inadequate my feeble attempts are then I would live life relying on myself. What good is that life?
When you lay the ugly in the light and allow God to see it and heal it you begin a journey to becoming amazingly covered by the beautiful blood of Christ. You then become consumed with people seeing the beautiful Jesus in you, not the fake perfection you put up. God loves ugly. God takes ugly and makes it truly beautiful in His time.
Ecclesiastes 3:11 (New International Version, ©2011)
" He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. "
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
The best place to be
I was talking to someone dear to me yesterday, and after reading my last blog they were worried about me. They called to see if I was "okay". They felt like I was in a bad place. To be honest, I wasn't sure what to say. Their fear for me took me by surprise. They were worried that my state of mind and emotions were in a dark place.
I began to wonder if my readers are receiving the wrong message. I know in my last blog I admitted to being a "pit dweller", but I feel the need to clarify a few things just in case my readers believe the same thing as this other person in my life. Having been through many trials, or as I referred to them in my last blog "pits", I am in the best place I could be, right in the middle of God's plan for my life. I have never been stretched so much, held so tight, or ever more convinced of God's love for me than I am right now. I wouldn't trade a single tear, weak moment, or painful thought for the glory that God is receiving through my pain.
I have moved from a place of faith built on sand, that was blown away easily when the slightest wind came, to a faith built on rock that can withstand the worse storm. If God calls me in and out of trials for the rest of my life I will willingly follow because God's plan for me is the best plan for me. He loves me with a love that I have only found by walking through the depths of dark valley's. I was reading in Romans 8 this morning and I felt as if I could have written this passage myself. I don't usually include a huge chunk of scripture, but please read the entire thing. It is worth it:
Romans 8:31-39 (New Living Translation)
Nothing Can Separate Us from God’s Love
31 What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? 32 Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? 33 Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. 34 Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.
35 Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? 36 (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”) 37 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.
38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.
If God is for me, then no one, or no thing can stand against me and win. I am a victor in this life because of Christ. God did not even spare His most precious gift for me, His son. He hung him on a cross for my sin. I no longer have the right to doubt if God will provide the most insignificant gifts in my life. God is the most loving, lavishing, gift giving father. Nothing can separate me from the love of God: not infertility, not painful waiting, not financial worry, not job frustrations, NOTHING!
But the most important point of this piece of scripture and in my life is that now I am convinced. Before the pits, trials, and tribulations, I was not convinced of God's love for me. I allowed the fears for today and the worries about tomorrow to make me doubt his love. No longer is that the case.
So, yes I do have bad days where emotionally I am torn, hurting, sad, mad, fill in the blank, but spiritually I remain convinced of God's love for me. Because of that I can face life in victory no matter how bad my day has been.
I pray that sharing with you my emotional struggles has not deceived you into thinking that I am not in a good place. If you, like this other dear person, worry about my well being- please do not. I am an over comer and I am a victor because the ultimate victory has already been won, Jesus rose from the dead, and one day I will spend eternity with Him! That is a life and a promise worth celebrating. I could not be more thankful for where I am in life. I could not be more convinced of God's love for me. I am in the best place to be, wrapped in the loving arms of an amazing Father who I cannot be separated from!
I began to wonder if my readers are receiving the wrong message. I know in my last blog I admitted to being a "pit dweller", but I feel the need to clarify a few things just in case my readers believe the same thing as this other person in my life. Having been through many trials, or as I referred to them in my last blog "pits", I am in the best place I could be, right in the middle of God's plan for my life. I have never been stretched so much, held so tight, or ever more convinced of God's love for me than I am right now. I wouldn't trade a single tear, weak moment, or painful thought for the glory that God is receiving through my pain.
I have moved from a place of faith built on sand, that was blown away easily when the slightest wind came, to a faith built on rock that can withstand the worse storm. If God calls me in and out of trials for the rest of my life I will willingly follow because God's plan for me is the best plan for me. He loves me with a love that I have only found by walking through the depths of dark valley's. I was reading in Romans 8 this morning and I felt as if I could have written this passage myself. I don't usually include a huge chunk of scripture, but please read the entire thing. It is worth it:
Romans 8:31-39 (New Living Translation)
Nothing Can Separate Us from God’s Love
31 What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? 32 Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? 33 Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. 34 Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.
35 Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? 36 (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”) 37 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.
38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.
If God is for me, then no one, or no thing can stand against me and win. I am a victor in this life because of Christ. God did not even spare His most precious gift for me, His son. He hung him on a cross for my sin. I no longer have the right to doubt if God will provide the most insignificant gifts in my life. God is the most loving, lavishing, gift giving father. Nothing can separate me from the love of God: not infertility, not painful waiting, not financial worry, not job frustrations, NOTHING!
But the most important point of this piece of scripture and in my life is that now I am convinced. Before the pits, trials, and tribulations, I was not convinced of God's love for me. I allowed the fears for today and the worries about tomorrow to make me doubt his love. No longer is that the case.
So, yes I do have bad days where emotionally I am torn, hurting, sad, mad, fill in the blank, but spiritually I remain convinced of God's love for me. Because of that I can face life in victory no matter how bad my day has been.
I pray that sharing with you my emotional struggles has not deceived you into thinking that I am not in a good place. If you, like this other dear person, worry about my well being- please do not. I am an over comer and I am a victor because the ultimate victory has already been won, Jesus rose from the dead, and one day I will spend eternity with Him! That is a life and a promise worth celebrating. I could not be more thankful for where I am in life. I could not be more convinced of God's love for me. I am in the best place to be, wrapped in the loving arms of an amazing Father who I cannot be separated from!
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