Wrecked by Grace

The prodigal son. A story that I have heard preached on and have read a million times. In fact I groaned inwardly when the preacher said that was the story he was speaking on. The speaker, Dirwin Gray, looked straight out into the audience and said that he hoped someone in the audience would be wrecked by God's grace, then he looked in my direction. I thought to myself, I don't even know what that means....well I quickly found out.

The prodigal son story in Luke chapter 15 is a story about a young son who asks for his inheritance from his father before his father is dead (which was like saying to his fathers face- I wish you were dead, now give me what is mine because your life means nothing to me) , he then moves away and squanders all he has with sinful living. The son eventually realized the error of his ways and when he has nothing left comes back to his father. His father not only allows him to come back, but he welcomes him back with love and rejoicing. He restores his son's honor and blesses him beyond what he deserves. Now all of that I have heard before, and though it is a great story it has never brought me to tears.

That is until Dirwin Gray pointed this out in verse 20:

"So the son got up and went to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him."

The father is the star of this story. His father had spent the entire time he was away waiting and looking for him to return. That is amazing in itself, but what happens next is what wrecked me. He ran. He didn't walk, he ran. He broke custom and ran. Why did he run? Dirwin said that in history it was customary that if a Jewish son dishonored his father that the elders of the town would come and get him and stone him to death. The elders may have been watching for his son as well. They may have started walking towards the father's son. Is that why the father ran? He knew that if he didn't get to his son first that the elders would stone him to death. So the father ran to the son, and then he threw his arms around him- if the elders made it to them they would have to kill the father first to get to the son. He wrapped his arms around his son to protect him. He was willing to give his life for the son who left him. He loved him so much and was so eager to have him back that he ran to him and wrapped him in his arms. The father would have given anything to prevent his son further pain. If his son was going to suffer he was going to suffer with him. He was filled with compassion for his hurting son. He wanted nothing more than for his son to feel the love of his embrace. He wanted to protect him and love him.

I have spent many months through all of this infertility and adoption process wondering if God cared that I was hurting. Asking myself, if you are really there God, then why are you allowing this to happen? Do you love me? If you love me then why are you allowing me to hurt? I have said "I just don't understand" approximately a million times. I would follow that up with,"I am just going to choose to believe". Now, choosing to believe has some merit, but it is not enough to sustain an intimate relationship with God. I truly felt like if I stopped trying (or as my mentor said, striving) that God would not pursue my heart. I expected myself to remain committed with or without love, joy, or peace. In the end that wasn't enough. I needed to know God's love for me. I needed to be pursued by my father. I needed to intimately know Him even if I don't always understand him. So I began to pray for exactly that, exactly two days before this message.

God said so clearly to me that night through Dirwin Gray that He has been waiting for me to lay down all of the "trying" and simply allow Him to run towards me and throw His arms around me and save me with His love. God has hurt with me and cried with me. He watches and waits for me to meet with him. He runs to pursue me. He loves me so much that he endures my pain with me. He wraps me in his arms and calls me his daughter. I am loved so amazingly that it doesn't matter that God's plan doesn't always make sense. I sat in that seat in the auditorium and was wrecked. How could a love this BIG not be enough for me? How could I question God's presence in my life? How could I think that God doesn't want good things for his children? I have never felt a need for God's grace rest so heavily on me. I immediately began to beg for forgiveness and thank God for throwing His arms around me and running towards me. Who am I that you love me with so much passion Lord?

Wow, I cannot put into words how God took less than two days to wreck me with grace. He went even further to provide a book for me called "When God Doesn't Make Sense" by James Dobson. The peace that this book has brought to those aching questions that I mentioned earlier... All that I can say is that for me God doesn't have to make sense anymore. His love is enough and His grace is enough. I am wrecked. I truly hope that if you haven't been wrecked by God at least once in your life that you will begin to pray for it. His embrace is like no other.

Adoption Video

I wanted to put up a link to our adoption video, this will be for the birth mothers to watch. It will also be on our online profile for out of state birth mothers to see. Enjoy! Please continue to pray for us as we find the courage to wait.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BdDqJcZ5oK8

Even the stones will cry out

Luke 19:40
"I tell you," he replied, "if they keep quiet the stones will cry out."

I was walking through a snow covered grove of Sequoia trees all over 200 ft tall looking up at these huge giants thinking even if I never told anyone about God these amazing creations would scream that there is a creator. I looked at the brown bear with her blond and black cubs and thought only God would color things so perfectly. I sat next to a lake that reflected the image of a huge mountain and thought only a God that cared about my enjoyment of this world would make things so beautiful. I thought probably a hundred times last week that even if we never testified to God's existence even the stones would cry out. How amazing is our God? It was very humbling to be reminded so many times of His power and creativity. It was also reassuring to a heart that sometimes questions God's presence.

On our adventures through Norther California's national parks we also hiked to the 5th tallest waterfall in the world. It was probably one of the most physically challenging things I have ever done. I was trudging straight up this rocky slope thinking I just can't do this. This is too hard. This hurts too much. Soon after came this thought "this is exactly how my life has been." That is at least how I have been feeling. I wanted to stop. I wanted to sit down and be frustrated and say this is too hard and I give up. After having a minor melt down I simply decided that I was going to keep putting one foot in front of the other and stop staring at the end goal that seemed so far away. Step by step I made it up this seemingly impossible hike and ended up at the top looking out thinking I cannot believe I made it. Simple whispers to my heart that this is what God is asking of me to do right now in my life washed over me. I am asked to simply put one foot in front of the other on God's path and to try not to look at the seemingly impossible end. I have to fight and not give up. I have to trust that in the end I will be where he wants me to be. It may be hard and at times painful but in the end I will be stronger and able to see where God was leading me. Another lesson learned in God's creation.

Right before we left for the trip we received a letter saying that we have been officially approved and are now waiting for our baby. It was a moment of peace. We finally made it. We have jumped through the hoops and climbed the mountains of paper work and have landed into a time of waiting. I thought that this would bring me so much joy and release, that I would seamlessly and patiently wait for our baby with happiness and a heart to prepare. I have been fighting a lot of fear. Mainly fearing that we might be facing a long wait and how that will affect us. I am scared to prepare and truly allow myself to be "expecting" for fear that it will end up hurting more in the end. Please pray that I will keep putting one foot in front of the other and enjoy what God is doing in my life right now. I don't want to focus on the seemingly impossible end. I want to grow stronger. If you are praying for our family I want to take this time to say thank you. We couldn't appreciate your support through prayer more. You will never know how much we value your prayers!