Finally some GOOD news

This blog won't make anyone cry because it is actually GOOD news! Haha ;) We got an email from Bethany stating that they received- get ready for it- ALL of our paper work!!! YEAH!!!! They also set the date for our "class", April 30th in Asheville! Very exciting! So, hopefully our social worker will be in contact soon to set up our home visit date- guess that means it is time to spring clean!!! After our home visit is finished we will go to the class, turn in our family profile, and then be officially waiting!!! It is extremely exciting to just be taking baby steps forward! I needed that boost! More to follow...

Growing Pains

This week has been normal in a lot of ways, but full of growing pains in others. I have been dealing with a lot of fears this week. A fear that I will lose patience as we are still in a time of waiting to move forward with the adoption process. A fear that somehow we will never get to the end of this process. A fear that the end result will not be a beautiful baby, but a failed adoption. I fear having to learn through more tragedy. I have been hearing messages this week about God teaching us through suffering and tragedy. I read in 1 Peter this morning about suffering and becoming more like Jesus through suffering. Can't help but wonder if God is preparing me to learn through suffering again.... Jesus suffered so many horrible things in His life for me. His love for me put him through unspeakable tragedy, but when faced with the thought of pain I find myself begging God not to allow it. I understand that fearing God's will for my life is not healthy, and it is also not of God. My enemy is hard at work trying to destroy my faith in God's love for me. God has an amazing plan for an abundant life for me- I know that deep down. God does allow suffering, but He also allows unspeakable joy, love, and growth.
My savior spoke louder than the enemy this morning. I got the reminder I needed reading a blog of a couple that I have never met. She was talking about her adoption in Russia. The only thing she wants her new son to remember at the end of his day is that she loves him. She wants to say to him, you are my son whom I love! I sat in front of my computer and cried. It hit me like a recking ball- How much more does God want to say to me- you are my daughter that I love dearly! God created parenthood, and He is the original father. It is a beautiful picture of His love for us. A tangible way for us to see His love. I can imagine in some small way His love for me when I think about the love I have for a child I have never met.
These growing pains are preparing me to be a mother. The patience that I am learning will no doubt serve me later when my children are being disobedient, or are late for their curfew. The ability to trust in God's plan no matter the situation will be implemented when my children stray from Him and I feel as if I have no control. The love that I now more deeply understand will one day be poured out on my children. Growing pains aren't easy, but they are so necessary. They will allow me to grow my faith and my family.

Reality Check

Have you ever had a reality check happen when you weren't ready for it? Got up this morning and headed out the door for church with my cup of coffee, business as usual for Sundays...until I got to church. I began to listen to the message and before long started to feel convicted. God was holding a large magnifying lens over my heart and what I saw was shocking. The sin that was staring back at me was ugly. It was exposed. It needed to be dealt with. It was as if my pastor had watched my week play out and written his sermon to speak directly to me. There was scripture that I have read a million times but never once applied to this area of my life. It was as if I was seeing it for the first time- and maybe I was. I began to sink in my seat and wonder how such a perfect God, or anyone else for that matter could love me. I don't deserve His mercy and grace that He lavishes on me, but oh how I need it.
I prayed for a humble spirit earlier this week and God answered today. My pride revealed by my unwillingness to acknowledge my own sin. There it was staring right at me, and now it had to be dealt with. The good news is that the Word of God washed over me like cleansing water. I heard with my heart how I could address this sin, how there is an enemy against me, and how God's word says I can fight against it. God's word is so applicable. It is a weapon of mighty power. It will allow me to dig out and destroy this dark spot. I can expose it to the light of truth and allow God to deal with it. God's mercy has never felt so reassuring. My time of communion was bitter sweet. A broken sinner taking a part of the perfect lamb and feeling so undeserving, but so desperate for the repair it brings.
Now to humble myself at the feet of those that I have sinned against-not easy, but so necessary. Admitting that I am a sinner is a struggle for a perfectionist like me. It hurts my pride. But not admitting it hurts far more. I am a sinner who desperately needs the blood of a perfect savior and the power of a loving God. Holy holy holy is the Lord God almighty.

Always need to be reminded

I just read my last blog and laughed at myself. I have found myself seeking desperately for comfort and safety this week. I have yearned for calm and certainty. Where is the "no faith required" path? I missed it, but would sure like to find it. I can honestly say my favorite word has been easy, why can't things be easy? It is like just when I find comfort and settle into a path that seems more predictable my world is shaken like a snow globe. I am learning that even though I am growing each day in my faith and courage to follow God; I am still happy to settle into a clear path and find it very hard to accept when God once again steps in and adds a secret trail that I didn't see coming. I revert back to wondering do I really trust where this path will lead and who made the map? It humbles me to see how easily my world is turned upside down. I read in 1 Peter today about trials and thought to myself I am sure glad that I am through all of those- haha...I am sure many of you are laughing right now. I wanted to be through them. I read the verse and thought- that is so true- trial really does purify and build faith- glad that it worked for me, hope I never have it again!
5 hours later...where is that verse again?! 1 Peter 1:6-7 "So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you may have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold-though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world."
Can I be truly glad just because I have the faith to believe that there is wonderful joy ahead when Jesus Christ comes back for me? Do I have that kind of genuine faith? It is safe to say it is being refined by fire. May I find my faith more precious than Gold when I am through. It struck me tonight though just how comforting it is to have a savior that so intimately knows my inmost thoughts and desires. I can whisper fears and doubts that no one else in the world knows and know that they are safe in his arms. He hears me and loves me and wants to help. That is a feeling that is worth trial. My savior knows my inner most thoughts and feelings and He is going to handle them gently. Praise God that He is the lover of my soul. I find peace in that. I find comfort in that. I find the courage to say your will be done. Your will be done Lord.