Spiritual warfare round 2

Proof that nothing will ever be easy...I ordered my nursery furniture in September, and received the invoice this week only to find out that the pieces were ordered in different colors.  Because I am type A +,  I pulled out the original copy of the order that I had printed off and filed away, and I had ordered all of the furniture in one color- cherry.  So I set out to figure out why my furniture was being shipped in different colors!  Talked to two very unpleasant customer service reps only to find out that the manufacturer was out of cherry, so JC Penny decided to order different colors for me.  They just picked a different color for me- that was very nice of them!  So, I had one cherry piece and two butternut pieces.  Not exactly my taste.  Because they had trouble confirming our credit card info in Sept they had canceled our order, and put the order back in the system in Oct, and by then they had run out of Cherry furniture. Which, they never contacted us to tell us.  All of that to say I have now canceled our order. The crib had already shipped, so it will have to be shipped back, and we are starting the hunt for nursery furniture from square one.  Not looking at JC Penny anymore- just sayin'.  It is hard on days like this not to take this as just another brick wall in the way of getting ready to have a family.  But, my only choice is to keep fighting.  Joy is deeply opposed by an enemy, and I am currently in a heated battle! Glad to have a blog to vent to!

No news is....

Wednesday came and went.  Wednesday was our one year anniversary...one year since we started the adoption process.  It was bitter sweet.  It meant one year of being free of the nightmare that was infertility and that was very sweet, but it also meant another year passing without being a mom.  It has been a year of speed bumps, hurdles, road blocks, twists and turns, and more growth than I ever even imagined.  I often get asked if we have any updates about our adoption and the only response I have had for months is "no news."  No news in the adoption world is exactly that, no news.  I have to say though that no news isn't exactly accurate for me.
 If I really answered truthfully It would be a news real of what God is teaching me.  Because even though we don't have news of a baby, I have news of what God is doing in my life.  My news flashes would look like this: "Overcoming unbelief", "Learning to pray", "Finding healing", "Learning to trust God".  Often I am overwhelmed with emotion, being stretched and refined constantly, to the point where I want to ask God to slow down the growing process.  Being taught at such a rapid rate has often been uncomfortable and painful.  It is overwhelming to see so regularly just how much growth I need. 
My mentor said that she sees me as a glass ornament that started off with a tiny crack that has now spread all over and the pieces of my old self are beginning to fall away to reveal a beautiful new me that God is molding and creating in His image.  Even though the cracking isn't pleasant seeing who God is creating me to be is hopeful. 
God is molding me to be a mom who has learned patience.  He is giving me trust so that I can trust my child's life into His hands.  He is providing healing so that I can pray "sun stand still" prayers and whether the answer is yes or no I will still believe.  He is building my faith on a foundation of stone so that when the storms come my castle isn't knocked over by life.  Life has in some ways tried to beat the vision out of me.  God is fighting to teach me to keep my eyes on Him so that my vision doesn't waiver.  So the newsflash is: I am a work in progress. That is good news.

An enemy

I have an enemy.  I have someone in my life who personally seeks to destroy me.  He strips me of all hope. He whispers lies to me.  He attacks me so regularly that I am tempted to forget he is there.  He has been reeking havoc on me the past few weeks.  I nearly allowed him to steal everything I care about, including my faith. 

I have had a rough month.  I have not written in weeks on this blog, and that is a direct reflection of my inability to fight through the attacks Satan- the enemy- has been throwing my way.  Until today I did not realize that all of these trials that have been put in my path were from the enemy. I have been busy placing blame on my savior. What a cunning thing for the enemy to do- to wreck my life and then entice me to blame my savior.  The realization sent a wave of nausea over me.  I feel like throwing up when I think about all of the crap that Satan has gotten away with. I see it all around me. 

I saw it clearly today talking with a sweet friend who is going through trials that could only be placed there because she is trying desperately to follow the path God is calling her to.  She is a threat to Satan and he is in return trying anything he can to disrupt the glory that will be given to God when she gets where she is going.
I had this righteous anger today listening to what she is going through. I could see the hand of a deceitful enemy... and then it struck me.  That is the same hand messing with my life.  Anger.  That is what I feel.  I am mad at myself for not seeing the attack earlier.  I am heart sick that I have been questioning God's plan for me. 

This all came together when I received a letter in the mail today, immediately after meeting with my friend, from a minister that I keep up with.  He explained how something very disappointing happened in his life recently, something that he had been hoping and praying for, for years.  He was totally heartbroken. 

Here is an excerpt from the letter that pretty much sums up what has been happening to me:
 " Disappointment rushes in and feelings of not again...not again.  That feeling like if anything good is going to happen you've got to make it happen and it makes you feel so alone.  Doubts rush in about hearing the voice of God, which are about the worst doubts there are because it draws your whole relationship into question."

After he realized that his relationship with God was being drawn into question he began to pray.  His prayer was like reading my inner most dialogue on paper, so instead of me writing it, I am going to copy his prayer for you.

" Jesus, I love you.  Help me with this."
God's response- You felt hurt by this
"Yes, I was.  I really hoped that finally, finally, it would all come together. I thought it was going to be a beautiful ending. It hurts to feel like you don't care"
God's response- You blame me
"Yes, I do.  I mean, I prayed hard, and it didn't happen.I thought you were in it.  I thought I was following your voice"
God's response- what is the pain?
" Well, it hurts to feel like you don't care, like you aren't even listening.  It hurts also to think I wasn't hearing from you."
God's response- So you feel betrayed.
" Yes. I do. But I can't blame that on you.  I think the thing that hurts me most deeply is, why does something that matters so deeply to me not seem to matter to you at all?"

God's response-  Every joy is deeply opposed.

There it was.  TRUTH.  Every joy is deeply opposed.  Every good and amazing thing God is doing is going to be opposed by the enemy.  The more glory that God is going to receive and the better it is  for us, the more opposition we will experience.  What that  means is God is doing something truly amazing in my life because the opposition is almost unbearable.  I am under fire, but the hope that surged through me today was that it is not because God doesn't care, or because God is the one firing upon me.  I am under fire because an amazingly loving God is trying to pour out joy over me.  He is fighting for me just as hard as the enemy is, and the good news is that God will always win.  I am HIS.  I am not a child of the enemy. 

There is hope because where there is opposition there is JOY waiting.  Praise the Lord!  Now I can place anger and blame with whom it lies- with satan.  I can fight for joy.  I can withstand attack and know how to fight when I know who the enemy is. So, if you are under attack and you are a child of God it is because there is an unspeakable joy waiting for you.  Fight!