God loves ugly

There is no place in the world that I feel more inadequate than at work.  I attempt to pray, memorize scripture, listen to sermons and praise music, and put as much "holy armor" on as possible on my way to work. My car is a place where I ready myself for the spiritual battle that inevitably will take place once I walk through the doors.  For about the last year I walk through those doors, the wind hits me, and immediately every piece of armor I have so carefully put into place is blown away in seconds.  I am left standing there exposed, and what is underneath is not always pretty.  In fact it is sometimes hideous. 

God has increasingly used this place to point out my glaring short falls and ugly imperfections. That is probably why at times I dislike going so much. And Satan has used this place to gain a foothold in my life.  My "fake it till you make it" philosophy has slowly began to crack under pressure and that perfect image that I tried so hard to craft has fallen away to reveal in all of my humility that I am an imperfect mess who is only functional by the saving grace of Jesus. The words of my mouth reveal the state of my heart, and lets just say it isn't always positive or even beneficial to those who listen.  I used to feel like God used infertility as his main tool to sharpen and mold me, and now I am quite sure my career as a nurse has become his new tool of refinement.  I am in such need of it.  

I face down one of my greatest desires each time I enter into those doors.  I help others become mothers night after night and the ugly demons of anger, resentment, doubt, and pride (I deserve to be a mom more than she does) show up regularly.  I constantly have to face my increasing doubt that God will in fact provide this sweet gift to me one day as well, and that His plan for me is perfect.  Satan takes every advantage with each delivery to make me doubt this.  I forget to do things and make mistakes- I am not a perfect person and the work load is so much to bear.  I have a hard time accepting that I am not perfect and I cannot help but be consumed with trying to be at work- there is no escaping it.  I have difficulty sharing Jesus with my coworkers and often times settle with longing to be accepted over doing what is right.  I allow myself to wallow in negativity and my tongue to say things it should not.  I allow Satan to use these struggles to convince me that I am a failure, and that I will never be good enough.  Confronting the truth this week was not easy.

I started reading a book given to me by a friend called "God loves ugly", and my need to hear this couldn't have been more prevalent than this week.  My failures and short comings sometimes overwhelm me to the point that I feel I cannot stand up under them.  God loves ugly.  God loves my broken, sinful, messed up self enough to use my job, infertility, and so many other things to refine me into something beautiful. The fact is he even uses the ugly for his beautiful glory.  He loves me just as I am, but loves me too much to leave me that way.  God is becoming more and I am becoming less.  If I didn't have things in my life to remind me that I could not do it without God, I would most definitely be tempted to live my life without Him.  I am so thankful for my inability to fake it any more.  It is good for my soul to be faced with my impossibilities because God's love for me has never been so real and so needed.  I long to want God more each day.  I long to be beautiful because of Him, not to try to be beautiful for my own glory.  If I didn't have things that regularly reminded me of just how inadequate my feeble attempts are then I would live life relying on myself.  What good is that life?

When you lay the ugly in the light and allow God to see it and heal it you begin a journey to becoming amazingly covered by the beautiful blood of Christ. You then become consumed with people seeing the beautiful Jesus in you, not the fake perfection you put up. God loves ugly.  God takes ugly and makes it truly beautiful in His time.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 (New International Version, ©2011)


" He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. "