And the waters parted

Hope is truly the source of abundant life.  I feel like everything around me recently has been pointing to this truth.  Our world is desperate for hope.  The student in Dave's class whose mother attempted suicide is desperate for hope.  The couple at our church who continues to suffer through infertility and loss is desperate for hope.  Parents whose children have gone astray are desperate for hope.  The homeless, hungry, hurting, lost....you fill in the blank- they are all desperate for hope.  I believe that we all have points in our life where we need a God moment. We need the hope that God will show up and do something amazing. 
Moses needed a God moment as Pharaoh's army was closing in on the Israelites and they had no where to go, but into the sea.  Moses had hope that God was big enough, and the waters parted.  Joshua needed a God moment when he was leading the people into the promise land, and they had to cross the overflowing Jordan river with the arch of the covenant.  Joshua had hope that God would provide, and the river bed dried up. 
Although, I am convinced that sometimes it is not the result that saves, but simply the hope. 
There has to be hope that there is more than what this world can offer.  Proverbs 13:12  says "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."  I have seen a lot of heart sick people whose hope has been deferred because it has been placed anywhere besides in Christ.  The world has let them down, people have let them down, and now they have lost hope.  Hope in Christ, the living God, who is coming back for us, and has a place in eternity for us is a longing that will be fulfilled.  We can cling to that for life.  I ache to share that hope with the youth in my church who say "I have lost my way and don't know if I believe in God, my life is a mess."
Psalm 130:5 "I wait for the LORD, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope."  We can offer hope through God's word.  His word will never let us down.  His word is a safe place to trust our hope to.  I think what struck me the most is that I am here on Earth to be a God moment for people who are desperate for one.  Not me, as in what I have to offer, but the hope that is in me because I know Christ.  I have the opportunity to meet people who are desperate for hope everyday, and the salvation that I have in Christ should overflow and run into their barren lives.  Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."  When I have my hope in the right place it will overflow and be used as a God moment in other people's lives.  That is huge.

Romans 8:23-25  ".... We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us. We were given this hope when we were saved. If we already have something, we don’t need to hope for it. But if we look forward to something we don’t yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently."  My hope is in my adoption into the kingdom of God as one of his children.  I was given hope when I was saved.  I look forward to the day that Christ will return and take me to Heaven.  I can wait patiently because I know He will return. 
We are standing at the sea of life waiting for God to part the waters....Dave is getting ready to graduate, and to find a job in this economy the sea will have to part.  We are aching for a family, and in order for us to have children the sea will have to part.  I wonder if I am in the right place with my career, and in order to serve where I am meant to be with a joyful heart the sea will have to part.  The blessing is that even if the sea never opens I will never lose hope.  There are so many people out there who need a hope that cannot be lost.  How can we be their God moment?

when one door shuts

As many of you read a few blogs ago, we had some trouble with our nursery furniture and had to cancel our order.  I threw myself a large pity party, and then just a few days later received an email from a high school friend inviting me to look at the website her interior design firm gets nursery furniture from.  I found the most lovely crib and dresser that I immediately fell in love with.  To add to this unexpected blessing she offered me her friends and family discount!  So, when the door to get what I thought was the furniture of my dreams closed another door to get even better furniture opened!  God showed me who was in control and thank God it isn't me!  How often do I panic when a door closes, not trusting that God has an even better door waiting if I will simply be patient!  Here are the links to the new furniture:

http://www.youngamerica.com/product/343681/BTG220091/_/btg%26%23160%3B2200%26%23160%3B%3Cbr%3Epanelslat_crib/Collection/genamerica

http://www.youngamerica.com/product/343693/782000291/_/genamerica%26%23160%3B%3Cbr%3Edresser/Collection/genamerica

I am small in this world after all

The theme of the last few weeks has been humility. I was listening to a sermon in the car on the way to work about marriage and out of a marriage sermon came my first lesson this week in humility.  The pastor said that we often feel like we have the right to things in this world like marriage, and kids.  In reality we don't have the right to any blessings, but God does often choose to bless us.  It is the heart behind feeling entitled to certain things that bothered me.  The realization that sometimes my anger at God for not blessing us with a family comes directly from the heart of feeling like I have the right to be a mom.  I don't have the right to any good thing in this world because I am a sinner who has fallen desperately short of the glory of God.  Having said that, God is still good to provide salvation through his son and blessing in our lives. 
The list of blessings in my life poured through my head, not blessings I had a right to, but blessings God wanted to give me even though I don't deserve them.  I immediately turned off the sermon and began to repent of the sin of pride. Telling God that I don't have the right to any of His blessings, asking for forgiveness for demanding a family, and for the pride of feeling like I deserve one.  I realize that anything outside of salvation is amazingly more than I deserve.  I was able to see that if God decides to bless us with a family it will be more than I deserve, not something I have the right to, or something I have earned.  There was a lot of freedom in that.  There was freedom in confessing sin, and in changing my perspective.  It takes away impatience in the waiting, it takes away anger, and it replaces all of those sinful feelings with humility.  It is good to realize that I am so blessed, and so undeserving. 
Lesson number 2 came at small group. I got up to go to small group after working the night before and not having slept very much that day.  To say the least I was not very fun to be around on the way. Dave lovingly informed me that I was being "a pill", and I was.  I was so focused on being sleep deprived, and having too many chores that went undone that I didn't prepare my heart for small group at all.  I stumbled up the stairs into small group and turned on the happy face.  We had a special speaker at small group that night.  A missionary from Chile.  I spent the next 2 hours listening to the amazing ministry he and his family are involved in.  He told stories of the street kids he has seen come to know the Lord, the lives that have been changed for eternity, his great need for financial support, and prayer.  I could feel myself shrinking in my seat.  My ridiculous attitude over lack of sleep melted away.  My stress over the most mundane things in life looked sickening in the light of what life should truly be about.  The lives changed by the truth of the gospel was the center of this family's world.  Where had my true center gone?  Again, the need to repent and set my mind on things above smacked me in the face. 
I am such a small part of this world.  My concerns are so insignificant in the light of the great commission.  My "needs" mean nothing in the scheme of eternal things.  It is a huge world after all and I am such a small part.  It is good to truly see your place.  It is healthy to feel insignificant.  It is peaceful to repent and have God strip the attitude away.  It is good to see how small I am in this world after all.

Spiritual warfare round 2

Proof that nothing will ever be easy...I ordered my nursery furniture in September, and received the invoice this week only to find out that the pieces were ordered in different colors.  Because I am type A +,  I pulled out the original copy of the order that I had printed off and filed away, and I had ordered all of the furniture in one color- cherry.  So I set out to figure out why my furniture was being shipped in different colors!  Talked to two very unpleasant customer service reps only to find out that the manufacturer was out of cherry, so JC Penny decided to order different colors for me.  They just picked a different color for me- that was very nice of them!  So, I had one cherry piece and two butternut pieces.  Not exactly my taste.  Because they had trouble confirming our credit card info in Sept they had canceled our order, and put the order back in the system in Oct, and by then they had run out of Cherry furniture. Which, they never contacted us to tell us.  All of that to say I have now canceled our order. The crib had already shipped, so it will have to be shipped back, and we are starting the hunt for nursery furniture from square one.  Not looking at JC Penny anymore- just sayin'.  It is hard on days like this not to take this as just another brick wall in the way of getting ready to have a family.  But, my only choice is to keep fighting.  Joy is deeply opposed by an enemy, and I am currently in a heated battle! Glad to have a blog to vent to!

No news is....

Wednesday came and went.  Wednesday was our one year anniversary...one year since we started the adoption process.  It was bitter sweet.  It meant one year of being free of the nightmare that was infertility and that was very sweet, but it also meant another year passing without being a mom.  It has been a year of speed bumps, hurdles, road blocks, twists and turns, and more growth than I ever even imagined.  I often get asked if we have any updates about our adoption and the only response I have had for months is "no news."  No news in the adoption world is exactly that, no news.  I have to say though that no news isn't exactly accurate for me.
 If I really answered truthfully It would be a news real of what God is teaching me.  Because even though we don't have news of a baby, I have news of what God is doing in my life.  My news flashes would look like this: "Overcoming unbelief", "Learning to pray", "Finding healing", "Learning to trust God".  Often I am overwhelmed with emotion, being stretched and refined constantly, to the point where I want to ask God to slow down the growing process.  Being taught at such a rapid rate has often been uncomfortable and painful.  It is overwhelming to see so regularly just how much growth I need. 
My mentor said that she sees me as a glass ornament that started off with a tiny crack that has now spread all over and the pieces of my old self are beginning to fall away to reveal a beautiful new me that God is molding and creating in His image.  Even though the cracking isn't pleasant seeing who God is creating me to be is hopeful. 
God is molding me to be a mom who has learned patience.  He is giving me trust so that I can trust my child's life into His hands.  He is providing healing so that I can pray "sun stand still" prayers and whether the answer is yes or no I will still believe.  He is building my faith on a foundation of stone so that when the storms come my castle isn't knocked over by life.  Life has in some ways tried to beat the vision out of me.  God is fighting to teach me to keep my eyes on Him so that my vision doesn't waiver.  So the newsflash is: I am a work in progress. That is good news.

An enemy

I have an enemy.  I have someone in my life who personally seeks to destroy me.  He strips me of all hope. He whispers lies to me.  He attacks me so regularly that I am tempted to forget he is there.  He has been reeking havoc on me the past few weeks.  I nearly allowed him to steal everything I care about, including my faith. 

I have had a rough month.  I have not written in weeks on this blog, and that is a direct reflection of my inability to fight through the attacks Satan- the enemy- has been throwing my way.  Until today I did not realize that all of these trials that have been put in my path were from the enemy. I have been busy placing blame on my savior. What a cunning thing for the enemy to do- to wreck my life and then entice me to blame my savior.  The realization sent a wave of nausea over me.  I feel like throwing up when I think about all of the crap that Satan has gotten away with. I see it all around me. 

I saw it clearly today talking with a sweet friend who is going through trials that could only be placed there because she is trying desperately to follow the path God is calling her to.  She is a threat to Satan and he is in return trying anything he can to disrupt the glory that will be given to God when she gets where she is going.
I had this righteous anger today listening to what she is going through. I could see the hand of a deceitful enemy... and then it struck me.  That is the same hand messing with my life.  Anger.  That is what I feel.  I am mad at myself for not seeing the attack earlier.  I am heart sick that I have been questioning God's plan for me. 

This all came together when I received a letter in the mail today, immediately after meeting with my friend, from a minister that I keep up with.  He explained how something very disappointing happened in his life recently, something that he had been hoping and praying for, for years.  He was totally heartbroken. 

Here is an excerpt from the letter that pretty much sums up what has been happening to me:
 " Disappointment rushes in and feelings of not again...not again.  That feeling like if anything good is going to happen you've got to make it happen and it makes you feel so alone.  Doubts rush in about hearing the voice of God, which are about the worst doubts there are because it draws your whole relationship into question."

After he realized that his relationship with God was being drawn into question he began to pray.  His prayer was like reading my inner most dialogue on paper, so instead of me writing it, I am going to copy his prayer for you.

" Jesus, I love you.  Help me with this."
God's response- You felt hurt by this
"Yes, I was.  I really hoped that finally, finally, it would all come together. I thought it was going to be a beautiful ending. It hurts to feel like you don't care"
God's response- You blame me
"Yes, I do.  I mean, I prayed hard, and it didn't happen.I thought you were in it.  I thought I was following your voice"
God's response- what is the pain?
" Well, it hurts to feel like you don't care, like you aren't even listening.  It hurts also to think I wasn't hearing from you."
God's response- So you feel betrayed.
" Yes. I do. But I can't blame that on you.  I think the thing that hurts me most deeply is, why does something that matters so deeply to me not seem to matter to you at all?"

God's response-  Every joy is deeply opposed.

There it was.  TRUTH.  Every joy is deeply opposed.  Every good and amazing thing God is doing is going to be opposed by the enemy.  The more glory that God is going to receive and the better it is  for us, the more opposition we will experience.  What that  means is God is doing something truly amazing in my life because the opposition is almost unbearable.  I am under fire, but the hope that surged through me today was that it is not because God doesn't care, or because God is the one firing upon me.  I am under fire because an amazingly loving God is trying to pour out joy over me.  He is fighting for me just as hard as the enemy is, and the good news is that God will always win.  I am HIS.  I am not a child of the enemy. 

There is hope because where there is opposition there is JOY waiting.  Praise the Lord!  Now I can place anger and blame with whom it lies- with satan.  I can fight for joy.  I can withstand attack and know how to fight when I know who the enemy is. So, if you are under attack and you are a child of God it is because there is an unspeakable joy waiting for you.  Fight!

closer than a brother

Proverbs 18:24 "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."
I came home from work this morning to find a lime green package tied up with a white ribbon sitting on my counter. A gift. I opened the card and then tore open the package. It was a baby book. Not just any baby book, but the one from my wish list. It is perfectly created for a baby whose story includes the beautiful gift of adoption. It is going to be filled with the story of our baby. Only a friend who was actually more like family would think to send us this sweet gift. There was no special occasion, no shower, just simply the kind of love that only comes from family. Our baby's life is being pieced together by beautiful acts provided by a loving family. A room from grandparents, a diaper bag from in laws, bibs from co-workers, diapers and wipes from family, books from friends. Our baby is going to be surrounded by the ultimate picture of love and family.
Dave and I could not be more blessed. We have this group of friends surrounding us that are closer than brothers. In fact many of them I truly love as my brothers. Do you ever have those moments where how blessed you are smacks you right in the face? This morning was one of those moments for me. In fact this journey has brought out many of those moments.
Dave surrounded by brothers praying over one of their own.-blessed. Overhearing Dave praying with a brother over the phone-blessed. Being encouraged by the hugs and words of encouragement every time we get together- blessed. Godly brothers who love me-blessed.
Sisters clapping and cheering (literally) when I told them that I finally ordered the furniture-blessed. Coffee with sisters who offer wisdom, support, and love- blessed. Messages from sisters far away who just want me to know that they are encouraged by what God is doing in my life- blessed. Seeing God unite sisters together through this simple blog-blessed.
I am truly blessed with friends who stick closer than brothers and sisters. My extended family continues to amaze me with their love and support. You are all truly the hands and feet of Jesus in my life. Thank you for being the embodiment of the love of Christ. You are God in the flesh to me. I feel the warmth of Jesus' arms wrapped around me through you. I am humbled by you. I am truly blessed by you.