Growing Pains

This week has been normal in a lot of ways, but full of growing pains in others. I have been dealing with a lot of fears this week. A fear that I will lose patience as we are still in a time of waiting to move forward with the adoption process. A fear that somehow we will never get to the end of this process. A fear that the end result will not be a beautiful baby, but a failed adoption. I fear having to learn through more tragedy. I have been hearing messages this week about God teaching us through suffering and tragedy. I read in 1 Peter this morning about suffering and becoming more like Jesus through suffering. Can't help but wonder if God is preparing me to learn through suffering again.... Jesus suffered so many horrible things in His life for me. His love for me put him through unspeakable tragedy, but when faced with the thought of pain I find myself begging God not to allow it. I understand that fearing God's will for my life is not healthy, and it is also not of God. My enemy is hard at work trying to destroy my faith in God's love for me. God has an amazing plan for an abundant life for me- I know that deep down. God does allow suffering, but He also allows unspeakable joy, love, and growth.
My savior spoke louder than the enemy this morning. I got the reminder I needed reading a blog of a couple that I have never met. She was talking about her adoption in Russia. The only thing she wants her new son to remember at the end of his day is that she loves him. She wants to say to him, you are my son whom I love! I sat in front of my computer and cried. It hit me like a recking ball- How much more does God want to say to me- you are my daughter that I love dearly! God created parenthood, and He is the original father. It is a beautiful picture of His love for us. A tangible way for us to see His love. I can imagine in some small way His love for me when I think about the love I have for a child I have never met.
These growing pains are preparing me to be a mother. The patience that I am learning will no doubt serve me later when my children are being disobedient, or are late for their curfew. The ability to trust in God's plan no matter the situation will be implemented when my children stray from Him and I feel as if I have no control. The love that I now more deeply understand will one day be poured out on my children. Growing pains aren't easy, but they are so necessary. They will allow me to grow my faith and my family.

Reality Check

Have you ever had a reality check happen when you weren't ready for it? Got up this morning and headed out the door for church with my cup of coffee, business as usual for Sundays...until I got to church. I began to listen to the message and before long started to feel convicted. God was holding a large magnifying lens over my heart and what I saw was shocking. The sin that was staring back at me was ugly. It was exposed. It needed to be dealt with. It was as if my pastor had watched my week play out and written his sermon to speak directly to me. There was scripture that I have read a million times but never once applied to this area of my life. It was as if I was seeing it for the first time- and maybe I was. I began to sink in my seat and wonder how such a perfect God, or anyone else for that matter could love me. I don't deserve His mercy and grace that He lavishes on me, but oh how I need it.
I prayed for a humble spirit earlier this week and God answered today. My pride revealed by my unwillingness to acknowledge my own sin. There it was staring right at me, and now it had to be dealt with. The good news is that the Word of God washed over me like cleansing water. I heard with my heart how I could address this sin, how there is an enemy against me, and how God's word says I can fight against it. God's word is so applicable. It is a weapon of mighty power. It will allow me to dig out and destroy this dark spot. I can expose it to the light of truth and allow God to deal with it. God's mercy has never felt so reassuring. My time of communion was bitter sweet. A broken sinner taking a part of the perfect lamb and feeling so undeserving, but so desperate for the repair it brings.
Now to humble myself at the feet of those that I have sinned against-not easy, but so necessary. Admitting that I am a sinner is a struggle for a perfectionist like me. It hurts my pride. But not admitting it hurts far more. I am a sinner who desperately needs the blood of a perfect savior and the power of a loving God. Holy holy holy is the Lord God almighty.

Always need to be reminded

I just read my last blog and laughed at myself. I have found myself seeking desperately for comfort and safety this week. I have yearned for calm and certainty. Where is the "no faith required" path? I missed it, but would sure like to find it. I can honestly say my favorite word has been easy, why can't things be easy? It is like just when I find comfort and settle into a path that seems more predictable my world is shaken like a snow globe. I am learning that even though I am growing each day in my faith and courage to follow God; I am still happy to settle into a clear path and find it very hard to accept when God once again steps in and adds a secret trail that I didn't see coming. I revert back to wondering do I really trust where this path will lead and who made the map? It humbles me to see how easily my world is turned upside down. I read in 1 Peter today about trials and thought to myself I am sure glad that I am through all of those- haha...I am sure many of you are laughing right now. I wanted to be through them. I read the verse and thought- that is so true- trial really does purify and build faith- glad that it worked for me, hope I never have it again!
5 hours later...where is that verse again?! 1 Peter 1:6-7 "So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you may have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold-though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world."
Can I be truly glad just because I have the faith to believe that there is wonderful joy ahead when Jesus Christ comes back for me? Do I have that kind of genuine faith? It is safe to say it is being refined by fire. May I find my faith more precious than Gold when I am through. It struck me tonight though just how comforting it is to have a savior that so intimately knows my inmost thoughts and desires. I can whisper fears and doubts that no one else in the world knows and know that they are safe in his arms. He hears me and loves me and wants to help. That is a feeling that is worth trial. My savior knows my inner most thoughts and feelings and He is going to handle them gently. Praise God that He is the lover of my soul. I find peace in that. I find comfort in that. I find the courage to say your will be done. Your will be done Lord.

No longer living safe

I feel like God brings things that I need to learn in waves. Maybe because I have to be knocked over in order to hear them. God is faithful to bring up the same message until I begin to get it. Lately, the theme has been living out loud, live like your dieing, don't live the safe life, take chances for God, ect. Our church has been talking about "the end times", and with that asking the questions- What are we putting off that we really need to be doing now? What is important to us? What do we need to be doing while we wait for Jesus to return? He IS coming back and we do not know the day or time, so in a churchy kind of way- are we ready? I feel like for the first time in my life I could listen to that message being preached and actually think of some examples.
I am risking my heart and basically our bank account to follow God's plan to adopt. I am jumping off the edge of that cliff and praying that God is big enough to provide the finances to complete our adoption, and the faith to raise an adopted child- that is probably one of the most scary and trusting things I have ever done!
Dave is in school and working at our church so that he can go into the schools and bring the Gospel to lost students. I can only imagine what God will do with that. We cannot out give or out trust God. He will always out bless and out provide us.
I am trying to be bold and let the people I work with see the hope that I have in Christ. I am trying not to keep this amazing gift I have to myself. To share in actions, but also in words. I don't want to just be the nice girl at work, but to have an answer for what I believe. His word will not return void.
It is amazing to me to learn lessons like this one. If it were up to me I would be living the safe, easy, middle of the road life. I love comfort. I am not one to take any kind of risk, or do anything out of the ordinary of people's expectations. I am that girl clinging to the balance beam of life content to be safe. Never to ripple the waters of this world. I would probably be a consumeristic Christian who goes to church to grow, but not serve. Goes to work to make money, but not impact lives for Christ. Goes through life getting things done, completing the routine, but never stopping to ask herself what God really wants from me. It took the grace of God and the little wake up calls of life not turning out quite like I thought it would to open my eyes to this crazy life God has for us if we will only make small steps of faith.
I have so much to learn, but I pray that what I have learned from these trials will not be forgotten. When I get to Heaven I want to know that I did something to bring glory to God, or had an impact on someones eternity. What I am thankful for most of all is trial because through trial I have learned perseverance and through that I have become more rooted in my belief of an abundant life through living for God's will and not my own.

CELEBRATE!!!

It is time to celebrate- I mailed the paperwork off yesterday!!!!!!!!! It feels amazing to have it out of this house and on its way to the right place. Unfortunately, I am celebrating temporarily by myself because Dave is gone on staff retreat. I cannot explain the weight that lifted off my shoulders as I watched the very nice woman at the UPS store put all of that precious material into an envelope and seal it. Even that experience was sweet- the woman at the UPS charged me less to notarize our papers and copy them. God has been so good to shower small gifts of love and assurance on us through this process. Now we will take the time to tie up loose ends (I am not counting my chickens before they hatch- they may want more paper work from us), set a home visit up, and set up a date for the informational weekend. During this process just taking baby steps forward is such a gratifying feeling.
On a side note I am very glad to have this blog as an outlet for what is going on. Somehow I feel more connected to people. I feel like I can share our progress and our story of adoption, which in many cases during real life I don't get to share. It is tempting to feel like you are alone in this process, or that you are the only one excited about doing paperwork. But for me paperwork is my pregnancy process,adoption updates are my ultrasound pictures, and talking with our adoption agency is our doctors appointments. I know that so much of the adoption process isn't glamorous or exciting, but it is our way of experiencing bringing a child into our world. I want very much to feel like we have this huge family just as excited and just as ready as we are to meet this baby. That has been one of my deepest prayers. So, if you have been one of those amazing encouraging people who have emailed, facebooked, commented on our blog, or said an encouraging word- thank you. You will never know just how much we long for that and need that. You are truly a part of something we hope brings amazing amounts of glory to God.

Still Working...

I have been chatting with a lot of people lately who have mentioned that I haven't updated our blog in a while, so here is an update. We are still working on our home study paper work, which has been a true labor of love. Until this point I have patiently moved through our paperwork and been able to remind myself that this is all for the love of our child- and then I got the home study packet in the mail. It has been so thick and so long and my patience in this process has at times wavered. I have wanted to cry and believe the lie that this will never happen, and at other times I have seen God move in amazing ways (God appointed an amazing woman at the Clerk of Courts to give us our background checks in one day and free of charge). The closer we get to being done with the home study paper work the more anxious I get! I have to take moments every day to be still before the Lord and pray for patience. In many ways this process has been similar to pregnancy: I have been tired and had many sleepless nights. I look at the timeline and think will this child ever be here? I anticipate what he/she will look like, act like, ect. Even the labor pains of going through something uncomfortable in order to meet our sweet little one! Please continue to pray for us as we fight our way through this process. Pray for patience and endurance. Pray for speed through the rest of the process. Pray for our future little one that he/she is being knit together according to God's perfect plan, and for our future birth mother as she will begin to make one of the hardest choices in her life. We will let you know when the home study paper work is sent in (there will be A LOT of rejoicing), and after that the agency will contact us to set up an appointment to come see our house and do our interviews. We will also attend a weekend information meeting...and then we will see!

Learning

I woke up early this morning, which is very unusual for me (like 6am early). Since I work night shift, early typically looks like noon. :) It is still dark outside and I sat with my cup of coffee and my Bible and was still before the Lord. It is such a privilege to do that. It feels so comfortable. I started reading through Luke. I sometimes forget just how life changing the Gospels truly should be to me. I didn't even make it through Luke 1 without God being faithful to speak. Vs. 37 "For nothing is impossible with God." I don't know how many times in Luke 1 it says this, but it seemed like the entire way through chapter 1 that is all I could read and hear. God does the impossible for Elizabeth and gives her a son when she was barren. God does the impossible through Mary and allows her to become a virgin mother, and to carry the savior of the world. God does the impossible and sends a savior who just by being alive and dieing saves the world from it's sin. God proved to all of the Jews who had been waiting for what must have seemed like forever that He would keep His promise and set them free. It just blows my mind that God is so much in the business of doing the impossible.
We got our official acceptance after turning in the formal application- one more impossible thing down. We also received our home study packet- I cannot explain the emotions, but they looked kind of like excitement and panic all rolled into one. The book sized packet looks impossible to me. I stared at it this morning after reading...I keep telling myself that this is not impossible for God. It feels that way. The enemy would love for me to believe the lie that it is impossible for us to have a family. He whispers that lie to me often. I now have a sword to cut that lie down with. "For nothing is impossible with God." Luke 1:37